To feel depressed about the thought of a childless future

I'm adopted and think it can be a wonderful thing.

Thinking its inappropriate to say 'have you thought about adopting' when someone has poured their heart out about their fertility struggles isn't because they're anti adoption. It's because everyone knows adoption exists. It isn't new information being presented to a couple having fertility struggles, they aren't going to say 'ooh what's that? We didn't know that was an option' because they already know it is.

It's not an option everyone wants to explore and that's perfectly fair. Suggesting adoption to a grown adult going through fertility struggles, who will already know adoption exists, is pointless and insensitive.

True, but AIBU is particularly savage most of the time. You don't have to look at it for long to realise that...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your babies 💐

Can’t speak for the infertility board but we get insensitive people wading in on the MNsetters without children board too (usually saying “well it’s in active, so…”)

Don’t get me wrong, we’re robust in telling them to sod off but let us not pretend that the existence of separate boards stops insensitive people from making insensitive comments.

What’d be nice is if they, you know, stopped doing it altogether!

Aww I really hope there is still time for you, 35 really is no age at all. Hope luck is on your side this year 🤞🏻

I do think you can have an amazing life without kids and I personally would have way more money, space in my house, could go more holidays etc, but ultimately when you want a baby you want a baby and it’s really no compensation for that if that is still what you want by 40, 50 etc. We never know what’s round the corner though and you still have 5 years before you’re even 40 so there is definitely still hope there. Good luck

Not the OPs fault tbf, she said she didn’t know about those sections.

Would be nice if people could still show some compassion in any case?

Wow I don’t know how to make this any clearer. You have no empathy for someone who is struggling with infertility. That is the gist.

Yes, if only we had boards specifically called things like "infertility" and "Mumsnetters without children" where these more sensitive topics could be discussed. Oh, wait...

Great post

It is horrendous OP. DH and I were ttc for 7 years, 4 rounds of IVF and a MC. I was utterly desperate for a child, no idea how I would have lived without them.
Long story short we went abroad and used donor eggs as mine were poor quality. I now have a 12 month old daughter and I would do it all over again for her.
1 cycle is nothing really, sorry to say, you need at least 3 before you start panicking. Go abroad to save money, 100% and look into some evidence based add ons. I had blood thinners, vaginal canesflor, antibiotics, the works.

Hang in there, it can get better.

I had a failed IVF at 41,followed by successful ISCI, immediately after, OP. It is early to give up hope. On the other hand, I have a sister who married too late to have children, who basically, has a fab life, free to do what she and her DH want to do, that makes them happy. Very fulfilled lives. She is a very involved auntie, but pleased not to have the life long dramas of being a parent. We are worth much more than our ability to reproduce. Our hormones trick us into thinking we must reproduce - then menopause hits and you view things very differently.I wish you a fulfilling future, full of happiness.

So sorry OP ❤️ sending love.

I see all the trite tired clichés have been written on this thread already, likely by those with children who don't know what infertility is like.

I haven't been in your situation but I wish you all the best at finding happiness in life x

Hi @Bbwinter I'm so sorry that things haven’t turned out the way you planned. But it absolutely doesn’t have to mean that your life is empty and pointless as you describe. As you do feel this way, though, could counselling be an option for you to work your way through those feelings? It’s more than ok to grieve the life you thought you would have. Speaking to somebody about how you’re feeling could help you to eventually feel more positive and consider other options for your future. I wish you all the happiness x

Empathy for what? Opting out of having kids?
I think you need to read up on what it is to be childfree by choice - since you seem quite stuck on the subject but don't know what it is.

I went the adoption route after unexplained infertility and failed IVF so I can't really help with how to live a child free life. But if I had not adopted, I know I would have paid for as many counselling sessions for as long as I wanted to have a safe place to vent.

Not to diminish what you are going through now but i am now 50 and now my hormones have changed, I'm not so bothered anymore by babies and pregnancy announcements. I am now more jealous of my child free friends and what they get up to.

You didn’t seem to understand that someone desperate for children can not see a future without children. You had no empathy for this situation. Yet you have empathy for the opposite situation. If you can understand how someone would not cope and could never imagine a life with children, then you should be able to understand how someone would not cope and never imagine a life without children.

I also could never imagine a future without. However I am still able to have empathy for my child free by choice friends, who could never imagine a future with.

Sorry, no idea what you mean.
In what way do you think someone childfree by choice is longing for something they can't have? And what exactly do you imagine that is?
I'm genuinely confused by the comparison and why you think it's relevant here. I'm wondering if you know what childfree by choice means?

Then you can be understanding about someone who is desperate for children and therefore can’t imagine a future without them. Very valid feeling to have thanks.

Your life is not less valuable or less worthy compared to parents. You do not have to live a life of service or charity work to give something back...because why do you need to give something back anyway? I presume you are a fully functioning adult with a job and pay taxes. That is enough.
You don't have to have a high-flying job, go on exotic holidays, travel a lot, unless that is what you want to do. To just have an ordinary life is enough.
You don't need to be the neighbourhood babysitter or financially support your friends and relatives children. You don't owe them your time or your money because you don't have children.
It is ok to step away from people who don't understand your situation, who get pregnant easily or who are parents of young children. They say to us that we don't understand their lives often enough, it is ok to say the same back to them and to withdraw if you want to.
It is possible, indeed, highly likely that you will have a good life without children even if you can't see it now. Good luck.

Agree entirely. Great post

@Mumsnet can you please move this to a more specific board so this poor lass doesn't have to deal with kick offs or cunts please, poor OP said she's new, aibu is for seasoned folks who are happy to run into battle over grammatical errors with no armour on. Spare the poor woman please!

Awww OP, I'm so sorry for you, definitely get chatting to others in similar positions so you'll get plenty of advice and have others share life experience.
The boards for adoption are full of really lovely posters as well who give great advice, if that is something you'd want to consider, only saying that because it's been mentioned loads on this thread already and if the idea does ever appeal, those posters are some of the GOATs!

I'm so pleased you managed to have a child after six years @Scottishmamma thanks to clearing your mind and relaxing. How does it work if you can't have children if - for example - one poster said, you've had a total hysterectomy? That would be pretty magical. I'm not trying to be a twat but comments like yours are in the same vein as "positive thinking cured cancer". It impacts mindset, but ultimately it's luck and do as much Headspace as you want, it won't regrow an organ.

I am sorry you are in this position, and please ignore those who tell you to "just" adopt, relax or about their "happy little accident". I read "Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day. She turned my life around. The sadness never really goes away but I can manage it better now.

I don't know if it's any use to you at all but if you're new to mumsnet the infertility boards here were a life saver for me when we were going through it, lots of support from those who really get it.

Adoption is something that people generally want to do in itself, rather than because they cannot have their own bio child/ren.
**
They specifically want to adopt.

such an important and mostly completely overlooked point @oakleaffy

The ‘why don’t you adopt‘ comments are hurtful for a number of reasons.
Firstly it assumes that the person you are talking to hasn’t thought about it.
Secondly it assumes that adopting is simple. That its something anyone can do like buying a new microwave.
But in my opinion, and most importantly, it makes it sound like adopting a child and having a biological child are interchangeable. They are not.