To leave my lovely DP

I agree that you need to give him a chance to find someone who he can have a genuine relationship with. He’s living a lie and it’s not fair for you to keep going back when it’s not right for all involved. X

You’re getting a really unfair pasting OP probably from people who are resentful because they have a shit partner, and think a man who’s capable of being nice and doing some parenting means they’re some kind of god among men and you’re obligated to stay with them. I hate that rhetoric. He could be the nicest, most loving, responsible father in the world with no faults at all and you could still leave if you wanted. Nobody is obligated to stay in a relationship for any reason whatsoever, and “you might not find someone else” isn’t a reason to stay either. So what? Better to be single than unhappily coupled.

I disagree that sleeping with people while separated is cheating or that you should tell him you might be bisexual. You chose to be with him all this time, who else you fancy or what sex they are is entirely irrelevant and frankly not his business. But there’s a lot of biphobia on MN so people are acting like you’re harbouring some dirty secret. You’re not. He no more needs to know you’re bisexual than he needs to know you also might find other men attractive.

I also think he sounds emotionally manipulative. You’ve tried to break up with him before and he’s wheedled you back in, and left a suicide note probably on purpose for the kids to find. So now you’re planning the logistics of an exit. Which is a reasonable and sensible thing for anyone to do when they want to leave a relationship, especially one he refuses to accept has ended. You deserve happiness OP and yes, he also deserves the chance to potentially meet someone else who is attracted to him.

I agree. It’s (a bit) dishonest but making this about bisexuality (if this is where OP is at, I’m not sure if the people she slept with in the relationships were all women) might me better.

and it will probably ingress the chances of a mutually appreciative co-parenting relationship.

This seems as all very dramatic when it doesn't need to be.

You are with someone you don't want to be with.

Your sexuality or cheating or anything else is irrelevant.

If you want to break up, do. You will both be better off.

No matter how lovely DP is if you are not happy then you need to break off ,it is giving false hope to him .He will get over it ,ATM he is in a difficult position ,he loves you and you are not happy!he also need space to find a new partner

You've been together from a very young age - most of us are not the same people when we are adults as we were as teens.

I don't believe that all of us meet "the one" we are to be with forever.

I believe some of us meet the right person to enjoy our younger years. the right person to raise children with. the right person to grow old with.

And some of us realise we are better off single.

you're not a bad person because this relationship is not destined forever.

You do need to rip the plaster off sooner rather than later though - for both of your sakes. You will both be better for it in the long run even though it will be painful initially.

You need to tell him that you’re bisexual and want to be with a woman.
Hopefully you won’t take the kids with you, after all he’s the innocent party so should stay in the house with the children.

It's the old saying "You have to be cruel to be kind.". Yes he'll be devastated but it's better for him in the long run not to be with someone who really isn't in to him! I couldn't bear to stay with DH if he cried after having sex with me!!
If he's as great as you say, he'll meet someone else who loves and appreciates him. He deserves that.

You say you have had a relationship with a woman. Is it possible that you have been suppressing that side of your personality.
After I left my husband I found that I am more attracted to women. That realisation came as a surprise but it was a relief and took off pressure that I hadn't realised was there. Ex and I continued to parent quite amicably.

This place has the most ridiculous double standards.

None of this is about whose fault it is . If OP truly believes that there is no way back then she needs to make a clean break and both parties can then find happiness .
Of course DP will be distraught but she can’t
stay with him at the expenses of her own happiness .
MIL needs to understand that children from “ broken homes “ can actually fare very well in life !! - as long as the parents behave like adults , work together to bring them up and don’t use them as weapons they will be better off than living in an unhappy home

You have to leave and keep it that way. Because it's not just the two of you who are living a miserable half life, your DC are too. They deserve to grow up with parents who are happy.

Hurry up and leave him

You have what seems to be the ideal partner. Then come the comments about him lying and cheating early on, the refusal / failure to engage with what you ask, and the suicide musings (which you were meant to find).

You're bi/gay and don't fancy him. It's possible to like, love and respect someone and not want to sleep with them.

He needs to know the truth about that. But as long as you've been safe, I don't think it would be wise to tell him about sleeping with others, even if you were on a break.

Leave your mothers out of it - it's none of their business.

Tell him you're gay and can't live a lie any more.

Try to keep an amicable potentially 50/50 custody relationship with him.

And let him go.

You don’t deserve him. If it was the other way around everyone would say the man was an arse and that all marriages can’t be exciting forever

Just let the poor bastard go ffs. You’re a selfish self absorbed twat. He deserves better.

These affairs you had when you had 'breaks'...were they with men or women?

How does that experience fit with your idea you might be a lesbian?

It's interesting that you describe a man who sounds lovely, apart from the fact he has no get up and go, which I have to say would be very off putting. Then you drop in the fact you'd rather be with a woman. Then you tell us he used to be unfaithful and a party animal, by which I assume you mean he took drugs and drank a lot.

I think he left those notes for you to find in order that you felt obliged to stay with him. That's very manipulative.

You say you want him to have the house, etc. There's no need for that if you've both put the same amount in. You're both young enough to sort out a new mortgage for yourselves. There's no way you should leave yourself at a financial disadvantage.

I don't think you need to mention other women. In your place I wouldn't get involved with anyone, male or female, for several months after leaving. The children need to be settled before you do that. It's fine if you want a FWB when they are with their dad, but I wouldn't be open about any relationship until it actually was a relationship.

FWIW I think he'll go back to partying and shagging around pretty quickly after you split up.

I am not attracted to him at all. I am closeted bi-sexual but feel I would be much happier with someone of the same sex. The thought of having sex with him makes me sick'

You're in your early 30s wirh someone you aren't attracted to at all who makes you feel sick?? You obviously need to split up. Ignore any emotional blackmail regarding his mental health. He isn't your responsibility.

I suppose I’ve always felt resentment in a way. I have (until the last couple of years) devoted myself to him even pre DC. Missed out on so many opportunities for him, potentially done myself Over financially. Missed out on career and social opportunities. Now I suppose I realise none of that was right and I feel suffocated

It is very unfair to blame him for your lack of career or missed opportunities.
You are still very young and have time to do whatever you want.

He's an easy target, but without us knowing the detail, it's hard to know how he stopped you doing anything you wanted to do.

The only way I can imagine you missed out was you had more of the childcare role and now you resent that.

if that was your choice, please bear in mind you have made some bad choices before- maybe marrying when you were too young, accepting his bad behaviour when you were dating, and not pursuing your own ambitions (and don't blame him for that.)

Make sure that if you leave, it's with realism over your future.

The bottom line is you need to be sure you'd be happy alone. Not with someone else as that may never happen.

Well you can't force your feelings, they are yours regardless of how good he appears on paper You may regret it or you may start having the best life you could ever imagine.

One way or other you need to make the jump and only you can decide which way.

Just be honest and finish this relationship. This on/off is just teasing him, and giving him hope when it sounds like there is none. Rip that bandage off and be done. He deserves better.

You already have broken his heart and devastated him, multiple times. You can't expect him to bounce back from that and suddenly be the confident sociable person that you want to be. You'd be doing him a massive favour by letting him go. He sounds absolutely perfect for someone else and I sure that he will look after the children well under his care. And it sounds like your kids could do with knowing where they stand and put first. I can't believe that you even went back to him after sleeping with other people. Surely you would have known at that point? One could be forgiven for thinking it fictional.

You need to be clear on a few things first @Shouldistayorshouldi

Are you leaving with the intention of finding something better?

If not, ask yourself how you'd feel if you didn't find anyone and spent the rest of your life alone. The grass is not always greener.

Are you turned off him sexually because of his behaviour?

ie He's a 'safe bet', but not an Alpha male. If he was more assertive and pro-active with all the things you want to do, would that change you sexual feelings?

Has sex ever been good?

If it was, has daily familiarity turned you off him?

Does he have any idea of how you feel?

If he doesn't, he needs to. You can't blame him from not taking you up on therapy etc if he doesn't know how close you are to leaving him.

His future isn't your responsibility, BUT how you behave within your marriage is your responsibility. And he has the right to know how negatively you feel about him.

Once he does, he may decide he is better off out of the marriage.

If he decided he'd had enough and made a break, how would you feel?

You might say 'Relieved' but the reality of being a single parent, with less money and a divorce behind you may not be the bright future you expect.

Or it might. You're taking a chance.

It's one thing to say, yes, leave.

Quite another to call the dp a gaslighting manipulator (and that op has done nothing wrong here) as a few have done.