Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Roast dinner at 1 - which of us is being rude?

338 replies

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:21

Lighthearted.

I always do a roast dinner on Sundays for 1.00. Always have - we've been married for 30 years and kids have now left home.

DH is frequently late. He does an activity on Sunday morning, he could easily be back in time, but chooses to socialise after.

I spend around 2 hours preparing and cooking the dinner. Sometimes it's slightly later than 1.00 because it's not an exact science even after all of these years.

If DH is late, I start to eat mine. I'm not waiting for him to finish chatting whilst my lovely roast dinner cools on the side, to microwave it when he eventually turns up.

He thinks I'm being rude by starting without him. He thinks I should wait and reheat both dinners if he's late.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TempyBrennan · 31/12/2023 14:19

Change it to 3:30 and make it for 4.

or change it to literally any other time and if he carries on being ‘late’ and wanting you to wait then he IBU.

Fingeronthebutton · 31/12/2023 14:18

How much do you eat? Prepare and cook for 2 hours for 2 people 🤷‍♀️

yogagivesmepeace · 31/12/2023 14:18

Nowt so queer as folk.

Mirabai · 31/12/2023 14:18

They’re both at fault - they’re locked in a passive aggressive game that some old married couples seems to delight in.

The only sensible response to DH’s timekeeping is either eat in the evening or not at all. Not to keep repeatedly cooking a time that he always fails to get back for.

MumblesParty · 31/12/2023 14:18

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:05

If I told him 1.00 but made it for 2.00, the following week he'd aim for 2 and be late for that.

Would he really? Even if you told him it would be 1? He’d still aim for 2, because he’d remember last week it was 2?

InSpainTheRain · 31/12/2023 14:17

I wouldn't reheat mine just because he was late, I'd eat it. However, I would ask DH what time he can make it back by and do it for then. I think it's quite nice to socialise after an activity. Alternatively what about an evening dinner on a Sunday or roast on a Saturday/another day? It seems really inflexible.

Allofaflutter · 31/12/2023 14:17

I think it’s rude to agree to a time but not stick to it. It’s not rude to eat if dh doesn’t come.

WYorkshireRose · 31/12/2023 14:17

I mean, it seems like you're both sort of wrong. Your DH shouldn't say 1pm is fine if he then consistently comes back late. However you can't expect him to be back for 1pm on the dot for a meal which you then say is often late anyway because it's not an exact science.

lairyfights9 · 31/12/2023 14:16

TheGoodEnoughWife · 31/12/2023 14:14

Amazed at the people bending over backwards to make this the OPs fault. How awful for him to get a home cooked roast every Sunday? Poor husband? Move the time around. Lie to him. Do behave!

He wants his dinner as soon as he decides to get home and he wants the OP to sit and wait for him. No chance. He knows the time. He refuses a later time. He thinks the OP should wait until he graces her with his presence. He can fuck right off. Eat yours when it is ready. He either reheats his when he bothers to turn up or stop cooking for him the ungrateful sod.

This!

Mantling · 31/12/2023 14:16

MyFirstLittlePony · 31/12/2023 13:50

To me this whole set up sound's claustrophobic 😬

Not relaxed for anyone

Yes! Inflexible timings for 30 years, passive-aggressive cooking and eating, someone who simply can’t make himself show up at the time he’s repeatedly agreed to.

Move it to the evening, OP. Or another day. There’s no reason for both people to be eternally locked in a Sunday Roast Battle.

2chocolateoranges · 31/12/2023 14:16

Personally I’d stop cooking a roast on a Sunday, it doesn’t suit for that day.

i do think him agreeing a time then turning up late is disrespectful.

Allofaflutter · 31/12/2023 14:16

My mum is like that. Say dinner is at 1pm. She comes at 2. Say dinner is 2pm she comes at 3 etc.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 14:16

TommyNever · 31/12/2023 14:13

You're not being unreasonable. Eat your dinner when it's ready, no need to let his absence spoil it.

It's not against the law for married couple to eat at different times.

I can’t think of anything more depressing than cooking a full roast dinner and then sitting and eating it on my own. Then again I wouldn’t make a full roast dinner just for the two of us anyway.

Whiskerson · 31/12/2023 14:15

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 31/12/2023 14:14

Take a lover!

This needs to be the new LTB. If MN was around in the 1950s, I like to think we'd all be crying out "TAL!".

JadziaD · 31/12/2023 14:15

Unfortunately, your OP was badly worded and it read like you were inflexible on the timing.

Based on what you are saying subsequently, YANBU. It is completely rude of him to be late for a roast dinner that has been agreed to be ready at a set time and for which you have prepared accordingly. I absolutely would eat when it was ready and he would have his when he came in. Not just because I'd want it fresh, but also because if I know we're eating a roast at 13:0, I'd be planning the rest of my day accordingly in terms of food etc. eg, a 13:00 means I'm having a very light breakfast as I tend to sleep in. A 14:30 roast dinner would mean a slightly more substantial breakfast.

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 31/12/2023 14:15

How often does he cook for you and what would he say if you turned up late for the meal?

rookiemere · 31/12/2023 14:15

YANBU OP.
But why not try it at 1.30pm for January.
If he turns up on time - great everyone is happy. If he doesn't go back to 1pm and eat without him.

milveycrohn · 31/12/2023 14:15

Initially I thought the OP was being totally inflexible, but later (as I read your later posts), see it is a problem with your DH time keeping.
My DH is similar. I always tell him half an hour or sometimes an hour earlier than the real time (even my DP - when alive knew to state an earlier time), so agree on 1.00 pm, but instead have dinner ready by 2.00 pm.
Or change dinner to the evening, or stop doing roasts.
Definitely eat yours when its ready. I NEVER wait for for DH.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/12/2023 14:15

Topofthemountain · 31/12/2023 13:24

I think 2024 might be the year to eat at a slightly different time. Go for it.

You and your radical sensible notions.

Nannyfannybanny · 31/12/2023 14:15

Time blind,as some other posters have said "mid day is lunchtime", it's not "dinner time". This is the SE UK, I gather folk further north, have "tea".
When we were kids,main meal was lunchtime, tea was sandwiches and cake, late afternoon.

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 31/12/2023 14:14

Take a lover!

Cantbebotheredwithausername · 31/12/2023 14:14

I feel like you're being absolutely reasonable here. You'd even be reasonable to be pissed that he's not home in time for the two of you to enjoy the food together, as long as that's his wish, too. You're offering him a lot of flexibility along with a nice meal, so I think he is massively unreasonable to expect you to just wait around and eat your food reheated whenever it suits him. If my DP acted like that, I'd feel like he was indirectly telling me that his time and priorities mattered more than mine, even when I was the one making and extra effort. I wouldn't tolerate that at all. Enjoy your food, and tell him that he needs to be on time if he wants you to eat together.

CaptainClover · 31/12/2023 14:14

Just don't bother??
Or if you really love the cooking and the eating of the meal yourself, just do it to suit you and forget him.
Don't even mention it to him again and plan your Sunday round yourself.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 31/12/2023 14:14

Amazed at the people bending over backwards to make this the OPs fault. How awful for him to get a home cooked roast every Sunday? Poor husband? Move the time around. Lie to him. Do behave!

He wants his dinner as soon as he decides to get home and he wants the OP to sit and wait for him. No chance. He knows the time. He refuses a later time. He thinks the OP should wait until he graces her with his presence. He can fuck right off. Eat yours when it is ready. He either reheats his when he bothers to turn up or stop cooking for him the ungrateful sod.

TommyNever · 31/12/2023 14:13

You're not being unreasonable. Eat your dinner when it's ready, no need to let his absence spoil it.

It's not against the law for married couple to eat at different times.