Roast dinner at 1 - which of us is being rude?

@Rachellllleeee you sound awfully strict!! how did your kids manage around you? sunday food should not have such a rigorous time to be eaten! have yourself some brunch around 11am then just make the sunday dinner for teatime at 5 ish then people can relax, after all it is a day of rest. you never know, hubby might end up making it for you for a change!

Does he let you know he'll be late and the time he'll actually be arriving home? Have you pointed out that it's rude of him to expect you to have a reheated roast (which is never quite as nice) and wait indefinitely for his return?

After reading your updates you aren't unreasonable. You are preparing as roast dinner that he requests, at a time that he requests. His only part in it is to turn up at the time he himself set.

If it was simply you being inflexible my answer would be different.

What would happen if you just made sandwiches at lunchtime and announced you'd do a roast for 6pm? You are putting in the work - I think you can fix a time that works best for you. He seems to want to know a roast dinner is ready for him the moment he steps in the door. He doesn't want to agree to 2 in case he comes home at 1.45 and shock horror, the big man's dinner isn't ready!

I don't think you are unreasonable to start without him once it's ready. I do the same though my husband is in the house. I call him once and if he doesn't come down within 5 mins I start eating mine. He does huff about it but I say "well I did tell you it was ready". When he cooks he waits for me (though I do appear promptly to be fair). I don't think it's rude. It's ruder not to show up promptly for someone who has made the effort to prepare a meal for you.

It depends. Do you enjoy your dh's company? If not, then crack on. Eat your lunch in peace by yourself.

Otherwise, tell him it's at 1pm but sort it for 1.30pm.

Socialising is really important, more so the older you get so I don't think it should be cut shirt for a strict meal time? Change and adaptation is also vital for a happy life. Invite his mates and yours round one Sunday for a 2pm roast!

What's the activity he does?

Yes people are completely missing your point!

Of course your H is being rude. I wouldn’t wait for him at all.

I disagree! It's fine to take your time to cook a good meal, especially if it's your main meal of day (or even week!).

So he wants to eat with you/not eat a microwaved roast-but not enough to be back at the time he has agreed to?

So he really does want to have his roast & eat it too?

Blimey. Do you have tea on the table at 5pm too? Pipe and slippers at the foot of his favourite chair? It sounds very old-fashioned and like someone very stuck in their ways. My inlaws are like that. Roast on a Sunday at 1.30 without fail. They will never go anywhere on a Sunday morning because of that because MIL is home doing the roast. Without fail. Never go anywhere early on a Saturday evening either because “that’s when church is”. There’s just no compromise in those arrangements so it means if we want to see them we always have to visit them on a Sunday morning. I think the concept of varying this once or twice so they can do something different has never crossed their mind. We’ve given up trying to eat out at a nice restaurant with them at, say, 7pm because they will have already eaten something at 5pm so won’t be hungry. Because in their eyes they have always eaten their evening meal at 5pm so why would they change that?

why do you need to wait till he’s out to “have an opportunity to cook it”? Because that’s what your post seems to suggest.

Sounds like you are stuck in a rut OP. I would hate to feel pressured into sitting down at a certain time on a certain day every week.

The problem is that you’re letting him dictate the time it should be served and offering to cook it for whatever time he suggests (even if he still chooses 1pm and is then hate anyway). In future if you’re cooking it and he’s consistently late then cook it for a time that suits you only and don’t even mention his lateness at all. It’s a waste of your energy.

No meal is worth two hours of preparation. If you want a roast dinner, go to a pub or carvery. Tell your husband he can join you there if he wishes.

I definitely think he's rude and selfish to consistently turn up later than he said he would, but I don't understand how you end up with plates of food cooling on the side...surely you don't actually put his food on a plate when he's not yet in the house? I would serve my own and eat it, leave everything else warm in the switched-off oven and he could help himself when he eventually deigned to appear.

YANBU! I'd eat mine without him, too. He's already said that one o'clock is fine, but turns up late. That would drive me round the bloody bend.

Maybe one week don't cook it and tell him it's because he's always late so what's the point. Then he can go hungry! You should treat yourself.

I'm traumatised from reading what you are going through. Your life sounds like an absolute living hell OP.

That’s the other conundrum. Is she raising the chicken herself?

Yes. I assume it’s fulfilling some deep unspoken need on both their parts.

I think you're both being a bit silly. You to be so set in your ways over a meal. And him to moan about not waiting for him. So both unreasonable.

Yup.

Personally the idea of a full roast at lunchtime makes my stomach lurch (It's Christmas Dinner here too, not Xmas lunch. I find it a very English specific thing for a full roast at lunchtime). Apart from that, why so inflexible? Family life ebbs & flows. 2 of my DC are now older teens; so life/ food/ routines have had to change as life changes.

Do you never do anything on a Sunday together? Like a day put together or as a family?

You’re not rude or unreasonable, OP, and I see no need for you to wait for him if he has agreed the time. He’s being rude by not coming home in time for a lovely meal you’ve worked hard to make. Presumably he’s not routinely late for work or other social engagements, so why treat you differently?

Thank you, I feel crazy reading this thread!
The obvious solution is to just stop doing it. Like, blindingly obvious.
The fact you don't see this as an option is so strange. Like it's not about the roast anymore, you're both playing some passive aggressive game. Just stop!

He sounds annoying.

Could you just rest the meat and only put the veg on when he gets in?

I wouldn’t start eating without him. It’s not rude so much as weird- surely a meal like that is better eaten together?

I thought I was going mad!

I’m shocked at how many posters are telling her to wait until later on or to tell him a time but actually have it ready for much later, like she doesn’t have better things to do.

He wants it at 1.
She’s cooking it for 1.

Why should she mess about actually having it ready by 2/3 instead when he’s an adult and can either be on time or reheat it himself.

Poor man having to eat alone and his wife not actually making his dinner for 2 hours later than he asks, just in case he’s late.

I feel like I’ve stepped back in time with all these women telling her to bend over backwards, simply so he doesn’t have to eat alone!

No. He can come home on time