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Original poster

Roast dinner at 1 - which of us is being rude?

338 replies

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:21

Lighthearted.

I always do a roast dinner on Sundays for 1.00. Always have - we've been married for 30 years and kids have now left home.

DH is frequently late. He does an activity on Sunday morning, he could easily be back in time, but chooses to socialise after.

I spend around 2 hours preparing and cooking the dinner. Sometimes it's slightly later than 1.00 because it's not an exact science even after all of these years.

If DH is late, I start to eat mine. I'm not waiting for him to finish chatting whilst my lovely roast dinner cools on the side, to microwave it when he eventually turns up.

He thinks I'm being rude by starting without him. He thinks I should wait and reheat both dinners if he's late.

AIBU?

OP posts:
twistandfart · 31/12/2023 14:49

Nagado · 31/12/2023 14:43

Just tell him you’ll make a deal with him. He turns up at the time he tells you he’s going to be home (whatever time he wants that to be) and you’ll stop eating without him.

If he tells you that he just finds it too hard to say goodbye to his golf mates, then tell him that you just find it too hard to watch a lovely roast dinner go cold.

This. This is perfect. Is there any reason why he won't accept this OP?

jannier · 31/12/2023 14:47

I love the phrase your dinner is in the dog ....I so want to use it

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 14:46

Just stop.

Tell him how disrespectful it is and that you won't do it anymore

Teder · 31/12/2023 14:46

Just make it later one day and he’ll be home. Are you both petty about various things or just this?

PickAChew · 31/12/2023 14:45

Well he can't insist on his roast dinner at 1 if he's not there at 1. Just put your foot down.

I'd be telling I'm to make his own lunch.

jannier · 31/12/2023 14:45

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 14:12

What if OP has a hobby herself or wants to go for a walk after lunch?

Why should her day be messed up just because he doesn’t want to eat alone and can’t be bothered to get home on time.

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She says hubby doesn't want it later....he sounds like a controlling arse probably expecting her to serve him etc.

HappenstanceMarmite · 31/12/2023 14:45

Christ. What a miserable way to live.

Nagado · 31/12/2023 14:43

Just tell him you’ll make a deal with him. He turns up at the time he tells you he’s going to be home (whatever time he wants that to be) and you’ll stop eating without him.

If he tells you that he just finds it too hard to say goodbye to his golf mates, then tell him that you just find it too hard to watch a lovely roast dinner go cold.

ClematisBlue49 · 31/12/2023 14:43

That would drive me mad and your husband is being very unreasonable. He is the rude one, not you. I would say to him that if it is important to him that the two of you eat together on a Sunday, but he is unable to commit to a time, then a roast dinner just doesn't work. Ask him to choose between a reheated roast on his own, or something else that can sit on the stove until he comes home.

jannier · 31/12/2023 14:43

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:02

The issue is he can't leave the golf club on time. So even if I did it later - and I reiterate, he asks for it at 1 - he would still struggle to say his goodbyes and leave on time. So I don't have a problem with him doing that and reheating his, I just don't see why I shouldn't enjoy mine whilst it's hot and fresh, when it's him that's broken the agreement.

Then say if you want to eat with me leave on time and show me I'm as important as your mates or skip the 19th hole.

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 14:43

Or switch it to the evening and let him make it?!

Luxell934 · 31/12/2023 14:42

But you don't seem to want to tell us how late he actually is. 1.10pm? 1.30? 2.30?
If he was 15 mins late and you already dished up yours and ate then maybe you could have waited for him, if he's an hour late then fair enough.

jannier · 31/12/2023 14:41

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:57

Thank you to those that have said IANBU.

To those that think I am - to reiterate - he asks for the roast to be ready for 1.00. He does not want it later, at 2 or in the evening. I have offered.

But then he's not home for 1. So I'm happy for him to eat it when he gets home, I really don't have a problem with that. But I'm not going to let mine go cold.

So does he control everything....tell him when you want to cook it he's your husband not god....if he's a coercive controlling arse and this is one thing if many change it.
Get yourself an activity and go out.....he can cook if he wants it at one.
Don't moan about it but not change things or next week you will be annoyed again.

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 14:41

Just stop?

persisted · 31/12/2023 14:38

I don't think your being rude, he's being an arse. I wouldn't put up with it though.
I would stop doing it. He wouldn't get to be cooked for and complain about it.

I would cook it for dinner, cook stew or something that will just sit in the oven until needed, or tell him that I look forward to whatever he wants to cook.

3luckystars · 31/12/2023 14:38

Could you eat out at the golf club on Sundays instead?

I think you need a change. None of this arrangement is working.

HardcoreLadyType · 31/12/2023 14:37

I don’t think you are unreasonable to eat when the food is ready, at the time he has requested.

I do think you need to change up the routine, though. You’ve tried to fit in with him, but he doesn’t try to fit in with you. So do something else entirely. Just break the whole cycle.

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 31/12/2023 14:36

Let the poor man socialise and plan to have your dinner later

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 14:34

2jacqi · 31/12/2023 14:31

@Rachellllleeee you sound awfully strict!! how did your kids manage around you? sunday food should not have such a rigorous time to be eaten! have yourself some brunch around 11am then just make the sunday dinner for teatime at 5 ish then people can relax, after all it is a day of rest. you never know, hubby might end up making it for you for a change!

Edited

It’s her DH asking for it to be ready for 1.

He’s happy with it being ready for 1 but he wants her to wait for him to come home so they can eat together.

OP has a life of her own.
She does not need to spend half of the day waiting for her DH who could turn up any time.

She should make it at the agreed time and if he’s late, he can reheat it and eat by himself.

Original poster
Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:34

JadziaD · 31/12/2023 14:15

Unfortunately, your OP was badly worded and it read like you were inflexible on the timing.

Based on what you are saying subsequently, YANBU. It is completely rude of him to be late for a roast dinner that has been agreed to be ready at a set time and for which you have prepared accordingly. I absolutely would eat when it was ready and he would have his when he came in. Not just because I'd want it fresh, but also because if I know we're eating a roast at 13:0, I'd be planning the rest of my day accordingly in terms of food etc. eg, a 13:00 means I'm having a very light breakfast as I tend to sleep in. A 14:30 roast dinner would mean a slightly more substantial breakfast.

Yes I agree, with hindsight it's badly worded. But people aren't reading the updates and think I'm some crazed 1950's housewife who wants her DH back from his beloved activity at a certain time when his slippers are warm and his roast hot.

I really don't mind what he does! But I object to being called rude because I am sticking to our agreement - agreed by both parties - and he isn't!

OP posts:
StringQuintet · 31/12/2023 14:34

Just move the time by an hour and don't tell him in advance. Easy.

Heronwatcher · 31/12/2023 14:33

I think just stop doing it for him until you can agree a reasonable time which you know he’ll stick to. If you really fancy it yourself just do it for yourself or some other time (like Sunday Eve etc). Sounds like this is becoming a bit of unhealthy power play.

StringQuintet · 31/12/2023 14:32

Mirabai · 31/12/2023 14:23

That’s the other conundrum. Is she raising the chicken herself?

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Surely not too difficult to understand that's how long it takes to make a roast dinner from scratch whether it is for 2 or 10 people. It's not the same as Cook ready meals!

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 14:32

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:28

But.. I like a fresh hot roast dinner on a Sunday (yes we are up north and have dinner and tea for the PP that asked). And so does he. He just can't leave the club at the time he agrees. Which I am fine with, he enjoys it. And I don't mind him reheating his. I just don't think I'm rude by eating mine at the agreed time.

And for the PP that asked, yes, it's perfectly acceptable to do a nice roast for just two of you.

Then I suppose you'll just have to continue as normal and tell your husband that if he's late, you'll start without him.

It wouldn't be worth it to me.

honeylulu · 31/12/2023 14:32

It also strikes me that he doesn't want to be rude to his golf pals, hence being hard to get away. But he isn't bothered about being rude to you! Priorities???

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