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AIBU?

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Original poster

Roast dinner at 1 - which of us is being rude?

338 replies

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:21

Lighthearted.

I always do a roast dinner on Sundays for 1.00. Always have - we've been married for 30 years and kids have now left home.

DH is frequently late. He does an activity on Sunday morning, he could easily be back in time, but chooses to socialise after.

I spend around 2 hours preparing and cooking the dinner. Sometimes it's slightly later than 1.00 because it's not an exact science even after all of these years.

If DH is late, I start to eat mine. I'm not waiting for him to finish chatting whilst my lovely roast dinner cools on the side, to microwave it when he eventually turns up.

He thinks I'm being rude by starting without him. He thinks I should wait and reheat both dinners if he's late.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 14:05

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:02

The issue is he can't leave the golf club on time. So even if I did it later - and I reiterate, he asks for it at 1 - he would still struggle to say his goodbyes and leave on time. So I don't have a problem with him doing that and reheating his, I just don't see why I shouldn't enjoy mine whilst it's hot and fresh, when it's him that's broken the agreement.

Just stop doing it.

It's too much hassle. Tell him to sort his own lunch on Sundays and you'll do the same.

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 14:04

Or you could join him at the golf club for a drink and then go out for lunch

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 14:04

I would start making it for 1:30.

If he’s not back then eat without him.

If he complains, tell him he’s 30mins late.

You shouldn’t have to wait to eat, just because he’s late.

You have your own life too, your job isn’t waiting around for him.

margotrose · 31/12/2023 14:03

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:02

The issue is he can't leave the golf club on time. So even if I did it later - and I reiterate, he asks for it at 1 - he would still struggle to say his goodbyes and leave on time. So I don't have a problem with him doing that and reheating his, I just don't see why I shouldn't enjoy mine whilst it's hot and fresh, when it's him that's broken the agreement.

So tell him you'll cook it for one but cook it for 2pm instead.

Silverbirchtwo · 31/12/2023 14:03

Aim dinner for an hour after he's due home. Doesn't he want to come in and chat, have a drink, while you (and he) finish off cooking and dish up. Do you expect him to come in and sit at the table immediately, my MIL used to do that it always felt like you were late.

Or get everything prepped and only start cooking when he comes in, most roasts don't take that long. You can chat and cook.

KingofCats · 31/12/2023 14:02

He is being rude. Ask him to confirm what time he will be home for and confirm that’s the time food will be ready for, you won’t be waiting past that

RosesAndHellebores · 31/12/2023 14:02

Oh op I sort of feel your pain. We have been married for 32 years. Even before we got married I realised that if I needed DH for 2pm, I had to tell him 1.15 or 1.30pm. Funny how this casuality with time doesn't affect him regarding work!

Original poster
Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:02

The issue is he can't leave the golf club on time. So even if I did it later - and I reiterate, he asks for it at 1 - he would still struggle to say his goodbyes and leave on time. So I don't have a problem with him doing that and reheating his, I just don't see why I shouldn't enjoy mine whilst it's hot and fresh, when it's him that's broken the agreement.

OP posts:
margotrose · 31/12/2023 14:02

Even if he asks for it at 1pm, you know he's not going to make it back on time so why do you keep making it for 1pm?

twistandfart · 31/12/2023 14:01

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:57

Thank you to those that have said IANBU.

To those that think I am - to reiterate - he asks for the roast to be ready for 1.00. He does not want it later, at 2 or in the evening. I have offered.

But then he's not home for 1. So I'm happy for him to eat it when he gets home, I really don't have a problem with that. But I'm not going to let mine go cold.

Ok so your DH is being a tosspot for insisting on 1pm but then always being late. But I think you need to take the bull by the horns and change it.
You say he's always late. So what time does he get back for? Whatever time that is, you plan to serve up about 10mins later.
Or continue arguing about it.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 31/12/2023 14:01

We take turns cooking Sunday dinners. It's always earlier when I do it because it takes ages, so I like to get out of the way and enjoy the rest of the day. I would be thoroughly pissed off if my husband constantly just rocked up an hour late and expected me to have waited for him.

I think most of the responses supporting the OP's husband are about the early 1pm start time rather than his rudeness. I suspect she would be getting different responses if she was serving Sunday dinner at 2 rather than 1.

Sparklfairy · 31/12/2023 14:00

I came up with this strategy because DM was always late for everything. I'd come by train (2.5hrs away to visit) and the train station was an hours walk from her house, no buses, never any taxis without waiting around for up to an hour. She would insist on picking me up and let her know when I was 20 mins away from the station.

Every single time she wouldn't be there when the train pulled in, so I'd start walking.

I'd get halfway to her house (to the top of a very steep hill) before we would meet each other.

So I started texting her 'I'm 20 mins away' about half an hour early, and she would be there (or almost there) when the train pulled in Grin

Can you do this to DH? Say 'Roast will be ready at 1pm' and start cooking an hour later? Wink What would he say if he walked in and it wasn't ready? Grin

EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 14:00

Tell him you’ll get it for 1 and then actually get it for 1.30? We always tell BIL an earlier time for anything we plan as he is always late.

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 14:00

But she knows that he's not going to be back for 1pm.

Either because he's crap with timekeeping or the golf genuinely takes longer than expected.

So just say to him
You are never back for 1pm

So I will cook for 3pm

Mirabai · 31/12/2023 14:00

It just sounds like some long-married couple’s passive aggressive game. Who do you think gets most out of the shenanigans?

(Who the hell could be arsed to spend 2 hours cooking every Sunday tho particularly as he’s always late).

Luxell934 · 31/12/2023 13:59

How late is he?

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 13:59

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:57

Thank you to those that have said IANBU.

To those that think I am - to reiterate - he asks for the roast to be ready for 1.00. He does not want it later, at 2 or in the evening. I have offered.

But then he's not home for 1. So I'm happy for him to eat it when he gets home, I really don't have a problem with that. But I'm not going to let mine go cold.

I'd just stop doing it. Make lunch for yourself.

Lucytheloose · 31/12/2023 13:59

Why can't you have lunch at 2pm, will the world explode or something?

Original poster
Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:59

Exactly @milesmachine thank you!

OP posts:
milesmachine · 31/12/2023 13:57

Delassalle · 31/12/2023 13:54

How utterly joyless.

Decide a reasonable time when he has to be back for and make dinner for then.

2.00 - 2.30om seems a good idea.

I can't imagine being so petty about not wanting to cook it just an hour later.

OP has said several times that she is not dictating 1pm, he is asking for it. She often suggests a later time and he says he'll be back in time and then is late. She has said if she moves it later, he is still late

The issue isn't when she is preparing it, it's that he is late and insists she shouldn't eat it until he is home (when it is cold) and then needs reheating in the microwave, which ruins the meal for her

EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 13:57

MumblesParty · 31/12/2023 13:56

Yeah but if OP said golf it would be outing 😂

Show quote history

Oh of course - silly me. We would all instantly know who this man is, out of the thousands of men who play golf every week!

Original poster
Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:57

Thank you to those that have said IANBU.

To those that think I am - to reiterate - he asks for the roast to be ready for 1.00. He does not want it later, at 2 or in the evening. I have offered.

But then he's not home for 1. So I'm happy for him to eat it when he gets home, I really don't have a problem with that. But I'm not going to let mine go cold.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 13:56

Sounds like he's having fun and loses track of time. Which for just eating lunch is fine.

Would strongly suggest getting out of this claustrophobic routine and not having a fixed lunch every single week

MumblesParty · 31/12/2023 13:56

EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 13:53

Why do people on here always say ‘activity’ like he’s doing something clandestine? If he’s playing golf then say he’s playing golf (and then having a drink in the clubhouse, which is why he’s late home)

I get that it’s annoying but if he’s always just a bit late then I would just delay things till he gets home. If he complains he has to wait then tough.

Yeah but if OP said golf it would be outing 😂

quisensoucie · 31/12/2023 13:55

I can see an episode of Father Brown unfurling before my eyes
Check the horseradish sauce, Father...