Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum slapped me during argument with husband

119 replies

Korin19 · 30/12/2023 20:51

I'm 2 weeks postpartum and my husband has been such a jerk since I got back from hospital.
Yes he helped me with my washroom routine the first week and giving me food. But he doesnt really care about my emotional state. A simple question to him today "why was your phone not on ringing mode" caused him to shout at me and walk out of the house. I went behind him and pleaded him to not leave. Yet he still left and came back 4 hours later (after i called and begged him to come back). This is the second incident in 2 weeks. I've cried till my eyes are swollen. Worst thing is he watches me cry and doesn't flinch. Says the meanest things and continues arguing and is so sarcastic.
My mum is staying with us to help with the baby.
As the argument got heated today after he came back, mum interfered and slapped me. My phone which was in my hand fell on the floor. I looked at my husband and asked him what did you do.
I asked my mum how could you slap me, I'm an adult. I'm 35 years old

By this point, I was crying inconsolably (I have anxiety). Mum said to stop or she will slap me again.
I said "how dare you slapped me". She threathened to leave the house. Husband threathened to take the baby and leave and go to his mums house. My mum pleaded him to not leave and at the same time kept blaming me and scolding me.
I walked to my room and lied on the bed, crying. He came to me and started lecturing me like everything was my fault and its my fault that i got slapped. A good 15 mins of lecture while I said nothing.
He said nothing to my mum. Did not defend me at all. Even my mum didn't defend me at all. She has this ancient mindset that men can get angry but women can't. Men can shout but women can't. Men can say stuff because they're men but women should be polite and never stand up to their husbands.

After she slapped me, Mum went to bed. Husband went to bed after lecturing. And here I am writing this at 4.30am, having my dinner now.
I told them earlier that I'm 2 weeks postpartum and this shouldn't happen. Husband shouldn't be fighting with me over the most petty thing and should care and support me and keep me happy during this phase.
Both Husband and my mum said to not use postpartum as excuse, that I should be tough now that I'm a mum. My mum said even if my husband tells me stuff or is mean to me that I should just bite my tongue and don't respond. My mum said to not keep saying "postpartum" like it's a big deal and when she delivered, she was doing chores immediately when she returned from hospital. My mum even shouted and told me that I should've travelled me 5 hours in car with newborn to stay with her and my family instead of her coming and staying with us. She said people can travel with newborn, it's easy with a car and that I shouldnt have given "excuse " that baby is too little and fragile to travel at 2 weeks.
I'm just perplexed at my mum's stupidity, my husband's selfishness and this entire drama.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I feel so unsupported and I'm madd to feel like my job is done now that I've delivered the baby and now I'm useless.
I have half the mind to just pack bags and leave the house, both of them can stay with each other. But I can't leave my baby and he wouldn't let me take the baby too.
So defeated. This is not the postpartum I expected. I'm dissappointed and so hurt.

OP posts:
Ghentsummer · 31/12/2023 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lookingatthesunset · 30/12/2023 23:49

You need to throw both of the fuckers out, you poor pet! xx

Anele22 · 30/12/2023 23:31

What stood out for me is that you said you H wouldn’t let you take the baby too. Sounds like he holds all the power. Please look after yourself 💐

Esmerelda2024 · 30/12/2023 23:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DoubleTime · 30/12/2023 23:23

Oh OP this sounds awful. Big hug from me.
I would follow the advice on other posts, pointing you in the direction of support. You need backup.

Easipeelerie · 30/12/2023 23:23

coffeeandcake91 · 30/12/2023 23:19

Another thing id recommend is writing things down in a diary or journal. So you remember what they've said and done. I wish I had done this.

I agree. Keep a record of bullying and abusive behaviour form both. Neither of these people is good for you and sounds like ultimately you’d be better off going it alone.

coffeeandcake91 · 30/12/2023 23:19

Another thing id recommend is writing things down in a diary or journal. So you remember what they've said and done. I wish I had done this.

Takoneko · 30/12/2023 23:18

JANEY205 · 30/12/2023 23:06

Please don’t scare OP from getting help. Her baby won’t be removed from her because she was a victim of her mother and her husband has shouted and left the home.

Show quote history

Based on the OP’s post saying it was 4:30am when it was 8:30pm here, she is likely somewhere in East Asia. There may not be the same legal protections for women in her situation where she is.

I agree with you that the PP was unhelpful though.

coffeeandcake91 · 30/12/2023 23:17

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Especially so soon after having a baby. It is such a fragile time and you need care, love and support!

My ex-partner was unsupportive when I came home from the hospital, I don't think he cared at all about the emotions and baby blues we feel after having a baby. Needless to say we're no longer together and I wish I hadn't wasted so much time with him.

They both sound like bullies. I don't know what parent would slap any child let alone an adult child.

I understand you need support right now so may be reluctant to tell them to leave , but it doesn't sound as if they're supporting you and you might want to consider if it's best for your mental health if they aren't around?

nosleepforme · 30/12/2023 23:14

Mum needs to leave.
you need a break. Is there a mum and baby home/retreat where you are? seems like an ideal option - you’ll get pp care, dh will get a chance to sleep and hopefully reflect and find out what’s bothering him.
pp isn’t a joke. You need to get care. If this mum and baby home isn’t an option for a couple of nights, you need to think of another option.

Takoneko · 30/12/2023 23:14

Christmaslights21 · 30/12/2023 22:37

I wondered this…the OPs posting style tells me she isn’t English/living in the UK.
i hope im wrong, i know some other countries dont have support from a midwife or health visitor in the postnatal period.
OP your husband is emotionally and verbally abusive. Your mum assaulted you. Do you have any other support-friends or family? This is not ok.

Show quote history

If the OP was really posting at 4.30am then she is somewhere that is 8 hours ahead of the U.K. That would place her in one of a number of Asian countries (Singapore, Hong Kong, China, Philippines, Malaysia, Brunei, Taiwan and a few others) or in Western Australia.

The level of support available to her and the attitude of police and other authorities towards her if she reports this could vary very significantly depending on which country she is in.

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 30/12/2023 23:13

MrNovember · 30/12/2023 21:05

I am so so sorry you are going through this. Your husband and your mum should be supporting you. especially at this time when you have just went through the birth of a child, and then have a small baby to look after. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG

Your husbands behaviour is horrible. Your mothers is despicable. Your mother needs to leave. I would say that your husband needs to step up, but let’s face it: he won’t.

do you have any friends you could stay with? Please speak to your health visitor or midwife as soon as possible

This ^^ Please do what @MrNovember says, and may I add please tell your GP as well xx

HangingOver · 30/12/2023 23:12

Oh OP this sounds terrible. What absolute arseholes they are. This makes me so sad for you.

user1492757084 · 30/12/2023 23:11

Pack a nappy bag, an over night bag and your bank cards and go alone to visit the infant welfare centre to have a full check for yourself and your baby. Your husband is behaving like a bully. Your mother is also and she sounds out of her depth staying away fromher home.
Is she there because you have injuries from birth from which you are recovering? Can you not lift the baby? Can you manage without her? Do your own laundry and meals?
If you can manage those things, reclaim those tasks and ask her to leave.
If your mother and husband continue being nasty, do not argue back with these bullies just calmly retreat and phone the police and tell them that someone slapped you, threatened to take your newborn child from you etc. when they answer the door.
Your husband, I imagine, has returned to work. He can not take the baby away. Was his phone on no ring to assist him and the baby to sleep? Does he need to sleep more every second night? Why is he being a dick?
He is incapable of filling your emotional needs due to whatever?? So talk to the midwife about your emotional needs. It could be that you need extra support.

Moreorlessmentallystable · 30/12/2023 23:10

I am very sorry they are treating you like that. Even if you were being a little unreasonable, you are allowed too. Hormones are all over the place and keeping a baby alive is tiring. If your mum was there to help that'd be great but clearly she is just doing the opposite so tell her to pack her stuff and leave. Your husband and you need to sit and talk about how to solve this going forward. It is a very hard time for couples but, as I said your husband should be more supportive Your midwife can maybe help you both with some tips on how to parent more effectively and support you in this tough time.

CarefulWishes · 30/12/2023 23:08

Very sad to read about your situation. You should be well supported to enable you to enjoy these first precious days of motherhood, but that all depends on your support network which from what you say is very lacking and destructive. DH & your mother are not part of the solution for you & your baby, they are the problem!
I hope that you will dig deep & find the strength to get help, there seems no point in wasting your energy trying to get DH & your mother to behave in a reasonable way.
In my experience midwives/HVs can be thin on the ground, so perhaps try your GP for a guaranteed confidential conversation. GP may be able to suggest organisations that can offer you the support that you don’t have, but are in desperate need of right now. I wish you the best & hope you will post more, bad or good. Thinking of you XX

JANEY205 · 30/12/2023 23:06

Mariposistaa · 30/12/2023 22:59

That poor, poor baby being born into such a hostile, volatile environment.
You need to take action before social services do.

Please don’t scare OP from getting help. Her baby won’t be removed from her because she was a victim of her mother and her husband has shouted and left the home.

369damnshesfine · 30/12/2023 23:06

I looked at my husband and asked him what did you do.

Why would you say this to your husband?
I’m confused why your mum slapping you was his fault.

Firstly, your mum needs to leave.

It is not her home and she physically assaulted you.

Tell her to go back to her own home.

You can look after the baby by yourself.
You may think it’s hard but it will be a hell of a lot easier when it’s less toxic.

Unfortunately, you cannot just kick your DH out of his own home.
So you can ask him to leave or leave yourself.

But I wouldn’t even worry about that yet.
Just get your mum out and then plan your next steps.

Mariposistaa · 30/12/2023 22:59

That poor, poor baby being born into such a hostile, volatile environment.
You need to take action before social services do.

Howbizzare22 · 30/12/2023 22:50

Both of them are absolute cnts OP. Abusive.nasty cnts. I’m so sorry.

hot2trotter · 30/12/2023 22:46

Easier said than done, I know. Send your mother home in the first instance, soon as she wakes up. Speak to your health visitor, midwife, whoever is giving you postpartum care, and tell them what happened. All of it.
I would ditch the husband too but I daresay you don't feel strong enough for that yet. That's completely okay! But start making plans, getting things in order etc. Their behaviour is unforgivable.
I suspect you won't do any of this though, unfortunately.

RadRad · 30/12/2023 22:43

Newborns cannot travel 5 hours in the car, this is ridiculous. Your mum is cruel and your husband is a twat, I am sorry you are going through this. Who cares what your mum had done during her postpartum, everyone's different and experiences this difficult hormonal time differently. If I was you, I would ask her to leave immediately and cut contact, she's not helping by any stretch.

Tryingmybestadhd · 30/12/2023 22:40

you seem to be between abusive people . Contact the police regarding your mum slapping you and speak with your midwife regarding your husband abusive behaviour . You need to be away from those 2 toxic people asap .

Christmaslights21 · 30/12/2023 22:37

Delassalle · 30/12/2023 21:31

Is this a cultural thing where women are subservient to men and that's why your husband is downright nasty to you and your mother is 'on his side'?

I wondered this…the OPs posting style tells me she isn’t English/living in the UK.
i hope im wrong, i know some other countries dont have support from a midwife or health visitor in the postnatal period.
OP your husband is emotionally and verbally abusive. Your mum assaulted you. Do you have any other support-friends or family? This is not ok.

FerreroFan · 30/12/2023 22:37

I am so sorry you have to go through this. You don't deserve it and both your mum and husband should be supporting you not treating you like this. My DH shouted at me after I had my baby. Things are better now (though I haven't forgotten it). I'm sending big hugs your way.

I agree with the other posters to contact your midwife or GP for support. I would also tell the mum to leave if it was me. If she hurts you again, don't be afraid to contact the police. She has no right to to lay a finger on you.

I sincerely hope things improve for you.