To ask; why do some people demand an apology?

My mother was like this. Falling out with everyone and it was always the other persons fault. I really believe she was a narcissist.

Her last falling out with me was epic. She had fallen out with my brother so took back her copy of her will which he was keeping and gave it to me in a folder which I put on my bookcase and didn’t look at. About a year later she started asking who had the receipt/papers for some expensive Turkish rug she had. I’d never seen these and told her so. She kept saying my brother had them but she wasn’t talking to him. I kept asking him, he said he didn’t have it. Then one day he was at my house and I mentioned it, he said he thought it was with the will and sure enough it was in the folder. I rang her up and said I had it, she went crazy and accused me of purposefully keeping it from her. Demanded an apology. I refused. She never spoke to me again! 🤷‍♀️

some people are just bonkers and their need to be “right” clouds their judgement on everything else. It is exhausting and I’d say the best thing you can do is stop playing the game.

Agreeing to a date and then forgetting or expecting people to remind you again, YABU

The whole auntie brenda thing, YANBU.

Great suggestion earlier about having a sit down and letting her get it all out.

@WolfFoxHare shame?
DH has hurt me on occasion. He associates apology with deliberately doing something wrong. He didn’t do it deliberately, it was an accident, why should he apologise for something he didn’t intend?

Also, hurt me significantly. Felt awful about it and went into a decline until I apologised for making him feel bad 😂.

we’ve found our way round it now.

Does she have mental health issues?

In your first example you did apologise, but it sounds like she wanted something more elaborate. In your second example she’s batshit. I wouldn’t have the energy for this: I’d just avoid her.

If you apologised, it would have no value as if you don't remember the incidents then you can't understand the pain caused.

Could you give up one evening to really listen to her, really hear her, and then tell her you regret having made her feel that way.

I'm on the other side of this fence. I tried to ask my mother to listen to me and I got defensiveness, denials, counter attacks, deflection. They are the victims of me. The classic "you're crazy". Just no acknowledgement that they hurt me. If they can't see that they hurt me then I can't go back for more.

If you want a relationship with your sister I would commit to really hearing her out and validating her experience of you.

I dont mean flagellate yourself indefinitely. I mean, be certain that you have definitely definitely properly heard her out and been respectFulbourn her experience of you before you declare her crazy.

My parents have lost me because they just could not /would not acknowledge that they hurt me. They did. So to have my sanity question because I tried (but failed) to communicate with them, it has done a lot of damage to our relationship and I don't know if things can ever be fixed. It all seems so sad. I just wanted to know that they acknowledged what really happened and that it mattered.
They weren't able to do that so I have to give up.

Good luck op.

More importantly, why do some people find it so hard to give an apology when they’re in the wrong?

(This may or may not be in reference to my husband.)

I find that IRL (rather than on MN) it’s not very usual to “demand” an apology and is more generally done my pass agg people who love drama.

That is unreasonable.
tell her it’s fine for her to have boundaries but they are hers to manage. Then I’d suggest she leave if not happy.

To be honest I’d start limiting contact with her and putting the ball back into her court. Don’t play in to it.

“ok I apologise I forgot the date. Given you’re so angry I think it best we don’t arrange another appointment together. Bye”

”well Brenda is here. It’s not my party so not my job to manage attendees. Leave or sort it with the host. Bye”.

I agree with you in principle. I accept my friends and family are flawed and wouldn’t demand an explanation or apology from them.

Although in your example, I think it’s your own responsibility to manage your own diary, I dislike the reliance on reminders for anyone to actually turn up to anything anymore. I wouldn’t demand an apology, but you are in the wrong.

If I stand on someone’s foot I jump away in horror, check they are ok, find them a seat, look at them anxiously to see if they are ok or if I need to clean their beautiful light shoes…!

If I say sorry and do none of the above, then it’s pretty meaningless.

Can you give an example of what they expect an apology for? Hard to reply without some examples.

Thing is with their behaviour, if it doesn’t work for you you can reduce contact with them. If you honestly truly don’t think you have done wrong tell them so and then it is their choice to maintain contact or not.

I do think words like “gas lighting” have become overused and misused by some people.

It’s power play.

In genuine relationships people realise someone has been badly impacted by them and try and put it right. An apology is rarely needed, but generally offered freely as part of the reparations.

An apology that’s asked for is of no value.

They sound like hard work. I’d limit it to essential contact

Hm. I know someone like this. They are very transactional in their relationships and keep tabs on everything (and hold grudges). Perceived slights and snubs abound and are mulled over and endlessly discussed with their poor partner. They request apologies in the same way your sibling does ‐often with a bit of metaphorical hostage-taking. Ultimatums are also part of their repertoire. They're exhausting.

Demanding an apology is dumb if you hope to retain any kind of meaningful relationship with the other person moving forward. It is often coercive and manipulative and not necessarily freely given, which renders it useless.

They could be or the OP could be a gaslighter.

There's really too little info to tell at the moment.

Your sibling sounds like an insecure, controlling, manipulative narcissist.

Id be very low contact.

Like what though? Can you give some examples?

Like what? Can you give an example?

Do they have mental health issues at all?