Husband GOT UP

It might be his home, but the work you do goes towards keeping it going, so when that work has to be done in the home, he needs to give you the space to do it. WFH can be difficult for other family members sharing the space, but it's the way things are for many of us these days and people need to adapt and be considerate if they want the income stream to continue.

So you’re complaining about your husband sitting around your house while he’s not working because you’re sitting around your house while not working?

Honestly, if the sexes were reversed here you’d have your arse handed to you.

I've started to play the rocky theme tune everytime bickering starts.
seems to work.

Even though my parents worked outside the home, there would have been blood if we decided to interrupt them while they were sleeping to have them make something for us, or anything that we couldn’t do ourselves, especially at 12 and 14.

DS1 is 8, autistic, and speaks very few words and will get his own snacks from the fridge and his own fruit from the fruit bowl and has done since he was 6. DS2 is six year old and can get his own snacks.

YABVU in that aspect that neither you and your DH have taught them to be self-sufficient.

Saying that, I don’t think you are entirely unreasonable for finally losing it at your DH when he and the children seem to not take your work seriously. You could work in the bedroom but they bother you there despite the door being closed and you obviously didn’t work in the bedroom because your DH was sleeping, leaving you no choice but to work in the kitchen unless I missed something.

I think you need to sit down with them all like others have suggested and explain how what they’re doing is effecting you. You having to go to a hotel or a parking lot to do your work is ridiculous when everyone in the house is old enough to understand and respect simple boundaries.

My own DH wfh permanently and we’re having our own talk when the kids are back in school about him working in the kitchen but the difference is, he actually has an office upstairs but is not using it and could also work in our en-suite bedroom across from it (I sleep in the guest room with our newborn) but doesn’t. There is also a shared workspace in the centre of town. He has no legitimate reason I can see that he needs to work in there other than the coffee pot being there and even then he has a super large thermos he could take upstairs.

If it was about 8am, reasonable time to get up. I think Christmas has had an impact and had it been another time of year, maybe you would have reacted differently.

Agree about headphones that someone suggested.

Good point!

She might have had to use lentils, or whatever was to hand.

We got a garden office pod. No one bothers you there because they have to come outside! Highly recommend.

Good point.

I don't think you popping to his work asking for a cup of tea is equivalent though. It's like at work making a cup of tea in the office and you ask colleagues if they'd like one too. You naturally just make them for who's there at the time. It doesn't exactly take loads longer to make 2 instead of one (well it wouldn't for me anyway, it'd be like seconds if I was making one anyway). If I was disturbed from my work and asked to make one, yes I'd be annoyed. But it doesn't sound like that's what happened here?

ya a teeny bit u for not having a separate working space.

but yanbu for feeling peopled out after christmas. he knows you are working and needs to respect that.

also peopled out here, though not working today. I'm off to a museum on.my.own. in a moment. plus cuppa in the museum cafe.

is there a co working space or cafe were you can go for half the day?

You’ve managed to post on this thread 15 times in under two hours. Are you really that busy with work?

You need a sit down family meeting and lay out how this will go from now on. There is no way your teens cannot make themselves snacks. We had a specific snack drawer in the cupboard and one in the fridge, plus a menu so they knew what we were eating for dinner. That meant they didn't have to ask if they could eat X. They also learned to regulate what they ate and how close to dinner.

Going forward a place to work not inside your house would be a good idea. Could you build it together? Your children are old enough to one, look after themselves and two help with the build too. Yes mine have landscaped the garden, lugged topsoil in buckets etc so they understand physical labour and how long things take.

Usually these threads are about a husband who wfh and the consensus is he needs to clear off and allow the partner to live freely

now it’s a woman wfh, oddly the man again is the one needing to clear off

100% this. So you set your own hours but you're raging as your family exist in the home weekends and holidays when you choose to work? If you're working then and also when they're at work/school during the week are you not having any downtime, or are you choosing to only work when they're off?
The bit about 'HE DISTURBED ME TO MAKE ME MAKE HIM TEA!!' Was a bit of a purposeful 'ooh he's a bastard' wasn't it, given you were actually in the process of making a cup of tea?

Agree - it is a male trait to irritate the hell out of women.

When Mr Viper retired he became a thorn in my flesh regarding the everyday. I've grown accustomed to it and can ignore much now, but the fact that he WILL INSIST on coming to do food shopping with me still drives me crackers. Especially since our local Sainsbury's closed their cafe and I can't even suggest that he sits down with a paper and lets me get on with it.

Don't get me wrong - he doesn't interfere and say what I should or shouldn't buy, but he is THERE and it drives me up the wall!

Every woman I have spoken to, whose husband has retired/ changed career and is now working at home/ is spending more time in the house for whatever reason finds herself close to drowning even the best of husband's in a bucket in a very short time.

At least Mr Viper keeps out of the kitchen cupboards. A close friend's husband retired and promptly went through all of her cupboards, re-arranging crockery etc, and sorting tins/ packets by some strange system of his own which turned out to be related to something like calorific value/ nutritional value/ vitamin B12 content or something equally obscure. Frankly, I would have beaten him to death with a tin of beans.

Apparently his system was more efficient, but
a) he never went into the kitchen to cook or even clear up
and
b) she couldn't find a bloody thing!

Your kids think you are the family servant. Set boundaries now op... as for your husband, headphones on and ignore...

AIBU to demand of him why the hell he hasn't stayed in the bloody bedroom? He has NOTHING ON today.

Imagine for a second a man posting this about his wife. There'd be uproar, rightly so!

I'm a big fan of post-its on the door where I'm working.
The current one is actually 12 stuck together in a square with a jumbo sized definitive sharpied 'NO' on it.
Doesn't work though.
My back's to the door which makes it worse when the DH or the DS's try to fling it open and it catches every time, making a thudding bang as they smack their full body weight into it. Big sigh.
Full sympathy OP!

It is exhausting reinforcing boundaries

Well, yes, but definitely worth the investment: short term pain for long term gain.

Start with an initial 'family meeting' to do a proper reset and let them know that when you are wearing headphones (or whatever your thing is) you are not available.

Once talking through the 'what ifs' have been covered, then think of it as you would when training an animal: just do not give them any attention unless and until you are done. Make sure they know when you will next be done.

The questions from PP 'is there blood' is a good and sensible one. Don't say anything g else, just withdraw your attention.

It will be good for them to improve their self reliance. And help you to, win win.

I've had to learn to work in very noisy surroundings. I used to imagine that I was a noisy printer and placed in an invisible soundproof bubble. Don't respond to people, focus on the task in hand. It will get easier and it is a good skill to have, for you to remember to not 'just do it it's quicker' and for them to build resilience. It's investment in their future success.

Agree that you need to be really explicit about what you need and then stick to the boundaries.

Door closed, noise cancelling headphones and phone on Do Not Disturb.

I agree that they shouldn't have to pussyfoot around you (I hate it when my husband gets on a Teams call at the kitchen table) but if you're clear about when you intend to start and finish and take yourself to a bedroom, then it should work out.

Sorry but I agree with this.

He's unreasonable to expect you to make him a cup of tea and to be showing you videos on his phone when you're working. But he's not unreasonable to be awake and out of bed in his own home, sorry OP. If he's just there quietly doing his own thing, I can't see an issue with that. Obviously if he's not, that's different.