Husband GOT UP

When I have this problem with people not respecting the fact I am busy I stop what I am doing, turn to them and ask them to explain to me why they don't think that my work is important because I don't understand. Why even though I have repeatedly told them what I am doing and to not disturb me, they carry on doing it and I would like an explanation.

I find people are less likely to carry on their shit when they know they have to justify it.

I've had a look and I can't find anything about AIBU that states anyone ever comes here, or is supposed to come here, to ask for solutions to anything. The topic is about reasonableness (or not) and posters are welcomed to offer opinions on this aspect of the issue at hand.

Whether or not OP has decided they are being unreasonable or not is the entire point, and human nature is such that the OP will be annoyed if everyone disagrees with them.

Offer solutions if you must, and criticise people for not engaging with those solutions as you are free to do but it is incorrect to take issue with the very fact of a person posting in AIBU and not wishing to engage with suggestions for improvement. For this to be a valid complaint I would need to have posted in a topic called 'Please Advise on the Problem I Wish to Fix' or similar.

You're ignoring your final sentence that you you were 'broken'.

Unless you simply wanted a straight Yes/No, then of course you are going to get people offering solutions especially when your first post said 'I think Christmas might have broken me'.

If you are a writer, using language like carries weight and comes over as a cry for help.

You might have meant it as a rant.
Another poster could easily mean they were suicidal.

Posters rushed to your support, trying to help you find a way to stop 'being broken'.

You then went on to engage with what you have tried and what didn't work.
I can't see anything early on where you said you wanted no advice, only to offload.

So you are right. You should have made it clear that it was a rant, you weren't on the verge of breakdown and didn't want help.

AIBU gets all kinds of threads, mainly because people know it's a busy part of the site and it's renowned for posters being opinionated (I stand as charged and guilty!)

The OP was stood by the kettle making herself tea 🙄

This is the most relatable thing I've ever read. NBU.

Vent away, but yabu re the dc coming to demand food. I’d go crazy.

So rude.

What happened to his arms that he can’t make himself tea? Tell him to bugger off to another room

I'm with you, OP. venting is good for the soul.

Hope you managed to find some productive time today!

Just to point out @sandyhappypeople

If there is a lot of ND in OP’s family and OP is ND, then it’s likely the kids are too.

So you can expect they may be immature for their age in some respects and have difficulty with theory of mind (understanding how others may feel), impulse regulation and with self care/some basic functioning.

Speaking as a ND Mum in a house of ND people… it’s all a bit much in terms of balancing everyone’s needs.

Agree with the noise cancelling headphones… however a ND person can’t cope with any interruption.

If you can imagine it takes them 20 mins to settle to task. A two minute interruption from DC may mean a further 20 mins to settle to task… then you get 10 mins done before the other child asks about something.

She needs her own, preferably private workspace to hyper focus.

Believe it or not some offices have a separate room for the ND; they walk in go to their desk and none of them speak to anyone the whole day 👍.

I am and it stood out a mile to me from what you were saying, how you described the impact on you and everything. And with you being highly creative.

There are a tonne of ND women on MN as a preferred means of communication/socialisation.

There is a book about autism in women by Sarah Hendricks that might be worth a read or scan through. If it’s in your family to that extent it’s probable, but you won’t necessarily present like your male relatives.

I’d probably say asd comorbid with adhd.

Get him to build the shed. Find a place to be that isn’t in the house or organise for them to be out when you’re working in the meantime.

And investigate diagnosis because it is worth it for the level of legal protection you get when diagnosed. If you get PIP or other form of disability recognition, you also get free carer ticket at cinema, concerts, theatre, concessionary rates, you are fast tracked through airports. Pretty much all of the stuff you find stressful can be eradicated to some extend making life a bit easier. But you will know that from your family anyway.

maybe we need a "vent" sub-topic where we can just let it all out? no judgement from other posters just handholds and agreement?

Agreed, OP is massively unreasonable and hasn't prefixed with "light hearted" so probably just needs a place to vent rather than engage in a debate.

I get that my role is designed, by me, over many years, partly as an excuse to avoid people and it usually works out fine.

Do you do something like copywriting, or some kind of art/ design/writing @BlackWhiteWhatNow

It is unrealistic to expect your family to tip toe around you when you are self-employed and surely could either take yourself out to a cafe or library, or take holiday at peak holiday times (like Xmas.)

I'd missed the fact you were self employed so it's not as if you are having to work for a company and have no choice.

Also- you chose your work to 'avoid people.'

Interesting!

The issue with posting in AIBU is that it's asking a question which (often) the OP has already answered in their own mind. And then they don't like anyone disagreeing with them.

Or they post here on the basis of 'more traffic'.

There ought to be a forum for 'Rants about Husbands' where posters can rant away, find solidarity, put their fingers in their ears when posters try to be helpful with solutions.

It's crystal clear that 'solutions' aren't welcome because people don't want anything to change, they just want to moan away.

That's fine. But don't go drawing conclusions that ALL men are 'like this' just because a few other posters pile in to share their own awful relationships.

I'll make one thing clear as far as I am concerned if you have a job that requires quiet and focus and you think that you can do it at the kitchen table or other communal space over Christmas in a house with your husband and school-aged children in it then you are deluded and totally unreasonable. This is a you problem and pushing it on to your husband and children is a bit toxic really.

I agree, but I would also wonder whether in this case the need for isolation and quiet is because of the nature of the job, or because of the nature of the person doing it. My place of work is never quiet. Working at home with dh, dd and ds at home, variously playing computer games, chatting, making food and drinks, playing music etc would not bother me in the slightest.

a. Snacks: Kids don’t need them all the time. Being peckish is fine. Healthy even. It certainly won’t kill turn.

b. If they must have snacks why do they need to ask you. Please tell me that you’re not being asked by a 14 year old for snacks

c. Stop being such a fucking martyr (even though you seem to secretly enjoy it) and put your foot down.

I didn't say it was his "fault" - I said it gets on my nerves.

From the description of the cupboard rearranging, I'd hazard a guess your H is neurodiverse and the ASD spectrum. Has he ever been assessed for this ?

@VictoriasSponges - not necessarily. Friend's husband wasn't neurodiverse. He just thought he knew better than everyone else and that his system was better than hers. And it may have been - for him; but he wasn't the one working in that kitchen.

i don't actually think that's a bad scenario/conversation (except I'd have said "since i'm working you make the tea"

But the DCs? I would be reading them the riot act. (mine realised that elevenses are A Thing, when we were all at home for Covid, and brought me tea and a biscuit every day at that time.)

Not only am I fucked off that he has wasted 4 hours doing FUCK-ALL, but also I cannot find anything for WEEKS after. He thinks he has done me a favour, but all he has done is hindered me. Last time, I told him to never do it again. And the last few times I went out for 5-6 hours he did nothing. Didn't even wash a fucking plate. Arsehole.

Yes, to all you posted, and this bit above particularly resonates . . .

Or if they do do something, you are expected to notice, comment and praise ("I did the hoovering and you didn't even say 'thank you' 😢") - it's like watching a 3 year old doing up their buttons, sometimes.

Can you not see that that is a you problem though? Random noise is a fact of life. Having zero tolerance of it is not your husband's fault.

It is exhausting reinforcing boundaries - you have to spend a lot of energy thinking how you will present it, then tell them, then continually reinforce the boundary for however long until everyone learns. It's another job for the to-do list isn't it

You're making it way too complicated.

1. "When I am working, I am WORKING. I am unavailable unless there is an emergency - the same as you, when you're working. If you interrupt me while I'm working then I will ask you if it's an emergency. If it's not, I will resume working straight away."

1. "Is it an emergency?" "No, but..." "I am working. Please go away."

1. "Is it an emergency?" "No, but..." "I am working. Go away."

1. Repeat 3 as necessary.

If you stick to your boundaries, they will get the hang of it quite quickly. If you're inconsistent it'll take longer. If you like you can make an "Is it an emergency?" sign to hold up instead of speaking, and flip it round to write "I'm working" on the other side.

Signed, strongly boundaried person who is nonetheless everyone's go-to in a crisis because strong boundaries don't make you selfish (your friends who behave selfishly aren't strongly boundaried, they're just selfish)

This is my experience, too.

And funnily enough, adjoining bungalows (as in "My Wife Next Door") is something that has gone through my mind more than once (lottery win needed, sadly).

It's just like fingernails on a blackboard.

I hate random noise. Hate it. Really, really HATE it.

but what do you say to him about the interruption?
Because in your shoes it would seriously be "next time you interrupt me i am going to stab you in the eye with my pencil"

Ah yes, practical systems that require you not to be present to work of course!