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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband GOT UP

343 replies

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 08:21

I WFH in a highly creative role. I find it impossible to work during holidays / weekends when people are hanging around the house randomly chatting to me when I'm attempting to concentrate (locking self in bedroom seems to be no barrier to kids/husband banging on door and requesting snacks etc. Sometimes they text me to ask stupid questions like where is the milk etc).

Husband reliably sleeps in when he doesn't need to get up for something, he works in construction and is off this week.

I creep downstairs this morning for a couple of hours of peace / work and husband immediately pops up, yawning, asking for cup of tea. AIBU to demand of him why the hell he hasn't stayed in the bloody bedroom? He has NOTHING ON today. He is currently sitting there, slurping tea, breathing very loudly, preventing me from concentrating.

Go on then, flame me (it's his house too, etc etc, blah blah) but jeez I've had to put up with so many people in my face and space this week I might kill him

No I don't have an office

Yes the bedroom is cold and it doesn't have tea or coffee making facilities

I think Christmas might have broken me.

OP posts:
NonPlayerCharacter · 29/12/2023 09:25

Yeah, you're not wrong. My husband is an honest gem but I do find men are bad at being alone in any sense, even in the house for a few hours.

Headphones are a good idea. If there's a library space or something near you then that's a possibility too, although I agree you shouldn't have to leave your house.

leatherchaps · 29/12/2023 09:25

You say you have designed your role to avoid people'.

Why is that? I get people can be hugely annoying but a bit unfair if you're lumping your immediate family in there too.

justasking111 · 29/12/2023 09:25

They really think it's a hobby. Friends husband has always worked from home. Door closed. The children knew not to go near that room unless the house was on fire. My friend didn't either.

Stand firm

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2023 09:22

Yanbu to be stressed, BUT if this was a thread about a woman who'd got a week off work and DH was WFH in the living room and he expected her to sit in the bedroom all morning so he could work in peace, you can guarantee she'd be told "tell him it's your home not his office, tell him to go to the office or leave or rent an office or work in the garden but how DARE he tell you you can't relax in your own home!"

Yesididntdothat · 29/12/2023 09:22

Would it not be more relaxing for everyone if you took the Christmas holidays (or at least the bit between Christmas and new year) actually off - rather than trying and failing to work. The children would probably like some attention from you, rather than that they actually need you to make them food, and it seems less stressful than trying and failing to work.

Original poster
BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 09:21

Purplewarrior · 29/12/2023 09:16

Threaten the DC that if they interrupt you for any reason less important than the dog has run away/kitchen is on fire, you will be spending their allowance on a Travelodge room so you can work in peace.

It is hard when your job is creative. I spend a significant amount of time looking like I am just staring at the walls, but any interruption can make me completely lose where I was in the process.

TRAVELODGE I am looking now

Yes always when I am in the middle of a long thought I am interrupted it is infuriating

OP posts:
Hibernatalie · 29/12/2023 09:19

YANBU I would kill.

autienotnaughty · 29/12/2023 09:19

My dh bangs his spoon against his cereal bowl when he's eating. Urgh

Maray1967 · 29/12/2023 09:19

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 08:33

Are you me? I do that uh huh glance at screen thing. He gets offended

Show quote history

I trained mine not to do that when I’m working at the dining room table and he wanders into the kitchen. He would always start a conversation- I replied with ‘I’m working’ without moving my eyes from the screen and then ignored him. Now he walks in and says nothing, gets his drink quietly and leaves quietly. Took a few goes but we got there.

Original poster
BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 09:18

itsmyp4rty · 29/12/2023 09:12

I think YABU. It's not your husbands fault that you can't work while he is breathing. This is his home. Why are you working weekends in a wfh creative role? Why has Christmas broken you? Do you ever take time off? Why do you WFH if you have nowhere to work?

I am self employed, so although I am forced to take time off i.e. when people are in the house and requiring me to engage with them, generally I don't take time off through choice. This is why Christmas has broken me

I get that my role is designed, by me, over many years, partly as an excuse to avoid people and it usually works out fine. Christmas is so intense, no? All the family, all their weirdness, all up in my face for whole days and nights

Usually kids are in school and husband out at work but the holidays are always really hard for me

I might get him to build me a shed. That might be the perfect project. However he's less handy at home (shoemaker's children go barefoot etc)

OP posts:
Mikimoto · 29/12/2023 09:18

So if no-one else is in the bedroom...maybe sit in there?!

101Nutella · 29/12/2023 09:17

Do you phone him at work and ask where the milk is? Honestly this is just a form of internalised misogyny - is yours not a real job coz you work from a lap top in a house? Maybe if you were building homes it’s a real job?

yANBU. I would carve out a space that isn’t intrusive to the rest of the family so they can still have a good time ant home.
Explain once more your expectations. Then work, headphones on (I do this and don’t even play anything but it just keeps the mindless questions away). Don’t look at the phone unless it’s break time.
clarifiy with your DC who to ask what from each day eg I’m working, your dad is off today so he’s in charge of you. Then just reply ‘not sure, ask dad’ if they break that.

by working at home you’ve probably saved the family money in childcare or holiday clubs so that should be respected. The perks of WFH would be missed by the family if they continue to make it impossible and you choose to take an office job.

Purplewarrior · 29/12/2023 09:16

Threaten the DC that if they interrupt you for any reason less important than the dog has run away/kitchen is on fire, you will be spending their allowance on a Travelodge room so you can work in peace.

It is hard when your job is creative. I spend a significant amount of time looking like I am just staring at the walls, but any interruption can make me completely lose where I was in the process.

Multipleexclamationmarks · 29/12/2023 09:16

Yeah but what if after you made it he sat there and drank it loudly in front of you

(I am being slightly unreasonable I concur)

There's no excuse for drinking loudly. Ever.
But...it's his house too, go work in an area that's not everyone else's living space.

NoCloudsAllowed · 29/12/2023 09:15

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 09:03

yupyup that's what I say to them

Show quote history

Yes but then at some point presumably you cave in and do it. That's why they ask.

Yabu in that you need to grow a backbone and not let the family walk all over you. Stop making snacks if they're that old. Say 'sorry, I just made one but there's hot water left in the kettle' if dh asks for tea. Tell them to leave you alone when you're working and enforce that.

Honestly, you're your own worst enemy. Learn to say no.

Catza · 29/12/2023 09:15

arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2023 08:40

I think you need to stop thinking this is lighthearted/funny/men eye roll op. You should be angry here.

Angry at what?That the man got up and is having breakfast?
Next week on MN “husband was off over Christmas and didn’t even get up until midday”

Zanatdy · 29/12/2023 09:14

You need to tell your kids that your New Years resolution is enabling your kids to be self sufficient. So they can get their own snacks, also put them in charge of cooking dinner once per week. If you don’t one day they will also be mooching around an angry partner asking ‘what’s for dinner’ whilst they are trying to work!

arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2023 09:13

It's pretty batshit that at 14&12 your dc ever ask you for food, whether you're working or not. A query about the time of dinner maybe, but my dc would be looked at like they've got two heads if they asked me to make them a snack at those ages. And it certainly wouldn't happen.

Original poster
BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 09:13

Multipleexclamationmarks · 29/12/2023 09:07

If you're somewhere like the living area then I'm on his side somewhat.
when dh first started wfh he'd take over the living room, spread all his stuff out on the couch and glare at us if we came in. It's my home not his office! He's get cross if the kids talked or put on the tv and expect silence if he got a call.He's now learned to work in the bedroom of he wants quiet.
I do agree that teenagers shouldn't be bothering you for snacks though. Although if I was already making myself a brew I couldn't get worked up about pouring one for my dh while I was at it.

Yeah but what if after you made it he sat there and drank it loudly in front of you

(I am being slightly unreasonable I concur)

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 29/12/2023 09:12

I think YABU. It's not your husbands fault that you can't work while he is breathing. This is his home. Why are you working weekends in a wfh creative role? Why has Christmas broken you? Do you ever take time off? Why do you WFH if you have nowhere to work?

AInightingale · 29/12/2023 09:12

Sounds like you might be better working in a shed or cabin if that's affordable and you have the room, you can always run a power line out. If your husband works in construction, he can help build it. But he sounds like the sort of man who gets offended if you aren't paying attention to him, ie an arse.

LordEmsworth · 29/12/2023 09:10

If your home is not a suitable environment for work, then you need to work somewhere else. Look at shared workspace nearby.

Wildhorses2244 · 29/12/2023 09:10

Drive to the next town to a coffee shop you’ve never been to before. No one will know you - it will be bliss!

TheMoth · 29/12/2023 09:08

My kids are same age as yours, op, like fuck would they ask me to make them food!
"What's for lunch?"
"Whatever you can find. "

Multipleexclamationmarks · 29/12/2023 09:07

If you're somewhere like the living area then I'm on his side somewhat.
when dh first started wfh he'd take over the living room, spread all his stuff out on the couch and glare at us if we came in. It's my home not his office! He's get cross if the kids talked or put on the tv and expect silence if he got a call.He's now learned to work in the bedroom of he wants quiet.
I do agree that teenagers shouldn't be bothering you for snacks though. Although if I was already making myself a brew I couldn't get worked up about pouring one for my dh while I was at it.