Page 7 | To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

Lospecesenelrio · 2023-12-28T21:38:28+00:00

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want. I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins. My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent. She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future. The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.) But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum. I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

Calliopespa · 30/12/2023 08:39

Calliopespa · 30/12/2023 08:33

He will. He just needs support coming round to that point. He’s right that she is his biological mum and he has clearly valued that connection, which is only right and good. Play the long game OP: you want DS and SD to forge a connection and support in each other that will hopefully last long after you have gone. Not addressing DS’s hesitations round this sensitively could play out worse for both of them in the long run.

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… as you say, it’s love that begets love. Not telling him to shove his issues or showing him the door.

Calliopespa · 30/12/2023 08:33

Ukrainebaby23 · 30/12/2023 08:26

This thread made me cry.
I'd have loved it if my step children ever called me anything other than awful..
So sorry your son can't see love begats love.

He will. He just needs support coming round to that point. He’s right that she is his biological mum and he has clearly valued that connection, which is only right and good. Play the long game OP: you want DS and SD to forge a connection and support in each other that will hopefully last long after you have gone. Not addressing DS’s hesitations round this sensitively could play out worse for both of them in the long run.

Ukrainebaby23 · 30/12/2023 08:26

This thread made me cry.
I'd have loved it if my step children ever called me anything other than awful..
So sorry your son can't see love begats love.

Whenthebirdssing · 30/12/2023 08:16

Lospecesenelrio · 29/12/2023 10:09

@Jk8 I feel fully prepared to help my son financially, his father is too. If he has kids in the next decade, I will be 44/45 with teens. It probably won't be an easy journey, but I want to do as much as I can. I can't go back in the past and not get pregnant.

I would lie if I say I am not afraid of how I will handle things. I find myself to be harsher on my daughters that I was on him at the same age. I pretty much did everything he wished. So his behaviour is partially ( if not totally) my fault.

You sound like an amazing mum. He’s struggling with the change. He’s had a lot of it. It’s a testament to you that she wants to call you mum. I’d keep going as you are. Keep letting her call you mum, keep allowing your son to share his feelings about it (be empathic and acknowledge his pain) but don’t budge on it. Let him know that threats to leave or withdraw is not an ok way to express his hurt and it won’t change your mind, but that you love him and want to understand how he feels. Rinse and repeat.

I feel for you OP. But you are right to allow your step daughter this and to deny her would be so damaging.

Maray1967 · 30/12/2023 08:02

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 20:00

You are completely and spectacularly missing the point here.

I would be horrified if my 19 year old was so deeply upset by his stepsister wanting to call me mum. I'd be wanting to get to the bottom of why, not telling him to grow the fuck up, like his feelings don't matter!!

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No - we just have a very different view of how Dc should be brought up. I expect mine to show compassion and understanding. It is utterly ridiculous for a 19 year old to behave like this. If DH and I decided to adopt a child, in time that child would probably want to call us mum and dad, as I have seen with a friend’s adopted child. I would not tolerate a 19 year old child of mine objecting to that.

pineapplesundae · 30/12/2023 00:11

Son resents stepdaughter calling mum mum.

pineapplesundae · 30/12/2023 00:05

That’s an incorrect statement. More than one person has suggested something other than mum.

Dingalingping · 29/12/2023 23:27

Please don’t do that. It doesn’t sound like you do intend to. Your SD already has a lifetime of potential issues ahead of her due to the abandonment of her by her mum which will make her question why adults don’t love her / didn’t want her. How lovely that you are stepping up to try to show her otherwise, alongside her dad of course. I feel very sad for your step daughters situation with her mum and it’s so heartening to read of your love for her, and that you want to follow her lead. I would seriously consider adopting her so that she sees and knows it is a permanent process. I really do applaud your mindset and care of this little person navigating a world most of us can’t really imagine, where a parent doesn’t care. Hopefully with time and the consistent care from you and dad, the impact will be much less on her than it could have been.

Your son just needs time to adjust. Of course he will. His age will help and hopefully his thought process will not take long to change. As other posters have said, it’s just about trying to articulate to him how lucky he is to have both his parents involved in his life, she is not so fortunate. How would he feel if he didn’t have a mum who had wanted to see him for 4 years. And that yes he can call William and your ex partners wife whatever he wants. with discussion with them. He just needs to hear that everyone is there to continue to love and support him, nothing has changed. Your feelings haven’t changed and family life hasn’t changed for anyone other than SD maybe feeling like she belongs a little more.

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 23:17

Did you say he was 19!?! An actual ADULT whose having a hissy fit over someone else saying Mummy?! That is v odd OP. I'd be showing him the door...

" very odd " says the parent who would kick their child out instead of trying to reassure them there's no problem. 🙄👌🏼

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 23:14

*Your son just needs a bucketload of reassurance on that point - and then down the line address the silent treatment thing! They're separate issues though.

I really hope it all works out for you. You seem to have a lovely family.*

This

zaazaazoo · 29/12/2023 23:12

FloofCloud · 28/12/2023 21:48

I think mum is too much as there's more than you and her involved. Why not pick another name like mama or something familiar around your own name (so
juju if you're Julie etc ... but solely for her?) or anything that can be portrayed as you being a little different in your relationship? Just tomkeep your own child/children supported too and her own mother really is her mum

You know some step parents ARE the mum or dad. Step dads have given step kids away at their wedding. Step parents are parents too. You seem to think it is more appropriate that everyone else gets to call OP mum. Just not this little girl. Please don't ever become a step parent. You'd be awful.

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 23:11

WouldRatherBeAPieceOftToast · 29/12/2023 22:21

@mayorofcasterbridge I've been following this thread and have to ask, what is your problem? Why are your posts so aggressive? Can you not debate matters in a reasonable manner?

Thank you for your 'opinion'.

I'm sorry not sorry actually that I've been speaking up for the 19 year old in the face of some horrible comments.

If you have been following the thread, then you will also be aware of them.

Enjoy your evening.

zaazaazoo · 29/12/2023 23:11

RedHelenB · 28/12/2023 21:42

But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide.

So a step mum is not a mum? Can be in my books

AllIsWellish · 29/12/2023 23:06

I'd keep trying to get to the bottom of the issue with him. Maybe his dad could speak to him too. The manipulation and sulking when he doesn't get his way needs to stop though

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 22:30

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 22:21

I wasn’t looking for a tah-dah moment, you seem strangely fixated on the idea of “one-upping” people on this thread. It’s really weird. Incase you hadn’t heard, it’s not an exam. I don’t require your approval for my comment to be worthy enough to post. If you don’t think my post adds to the discussion then scroll on and don’t reply it’s fairly straight forward. You asked for any examples, you got some. Whether you agree with them or not isn’t my concern. Move on, I promise it doesn’t hurt that much.

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You found 1 post supporting your pov, ok. You looked through thread,well done you
You do seem to be somewhat labouring the 1 post you found, advising posters read the thread and reproaching posters for not recalling all 18 pages. You also Advised posters to RTFT.

You are Correct you do not require my approval, luckily I’m not offering it. It appears we agree on that

I will post and contribute to thread as I wish, and I hope you will too

whatthehellnow23 · 29/12/2023 22:27

I can understand why he wouldn't like it... personally I think you can have the best relationship in the world but there's so many affectionate nicknames but mum shouldn't be it.
My step daughter lives with me full times and hasn't seen mum in 3 years but she's much older mid teen so wouldn't feel the need to have me be called mum.

I would of hated another child calling my parent mum or dad I think too it's not not needed from either side

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 22:21

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 22:08

As requested You found two posts. 1 op not the mum and 1 mum and forename compromise. That in no way is a tah-dah moment that changes the thread tone or direction. Unfortunately a lot of the thread have been recommending harsh and punitive solutions.
What is your actual point having found 1 affirmative she’s not the mum post, what do you think this adds?

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I wasn’t looking for a tah-dah moment, you seem strangely fixated on the idea of “one-upping” people on this thread. It’s really weird. Incase you hadn’t heard, it’s not an exam. I don’t require your approval for my comment to be worthy enough to post. If you don’t think my post adds to the discussion then scroll on and don’t reply it’s fairly straight forward. You asked for any examples, you got some. Whether you agree with them or not isn’t my concern. Move on, I promise it doesn’t hurt that much.

WouldRatherBeAPieceOftToast · 29/12/2023 22:21

@mayorofcasterbridge I've been following this thread and have to ask, what is your problem? Why are your posts so aggressive? Can you not debate matters in a reasonable manner?

User789456 · 29/12/2023 22:21

I think it's lovely re your DSD. What I would say is maybe try to set aside some Mum/ son time so he feels you're sometimes there just for him? So say go out for Sunday breakfast just the two of you ( or with his gf if he wants). Could that help?

wonderwomaninaus · 29/12/2023 22:17

I think it’s lovely she calls you Mum and how you care about her so much. Not all step parents do. You sound like a very caring person. Your son sounds like he has some maturing to do, he can only see it from his point of view and a in practical way. As he matures he may understand this more. I would keep it the way it is, as she too is your daughter regardless of whether you gave birth to her.

IsThisOneAvailable · 29/12/2023 22:17

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 22:15

Oh do keep up - SD wants to call OP mum, OP is happy with that - OP's DS isn't.

@Lospecesenelrio this is going round in circles now. I think the best thing you could do is get someone else to talk to him. Either his dad, or a grandparent. It's too emotional I think for both of you - he needs someone to gently tell him that his stepsister calling you mum is only a word so far as he is concerned, and will never make a jot of difference to your love for him, but that it's a huge thing for a little girl who hasn't 'officially' really ever had a mother. You have clearly been a mother to her all along - it's just expressing it out loud now.

Your son just needs a bucketload of reassurance on that point - and then down the line address the silent treatment thing! They're separate issues though.

I really hope it all works out for you. You seem to have a lovely family.

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Yes, I am well aware of that, but thanks.

Maybe also 'keep up' and read the number of comments suggesting OP is BU and that 'mum' is a step too far etc...

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 22:15

IsThisOneAvailable · 29/12/2023 22:10

I don't understand how you aren't a mum to her? You may not be her biological mum, as she is aware, but you're still a mum to her (the best/only one she has really by the sound of it) so why shouldn't she call you mum?

Oh do keep up - SD wants to call OP mum, OP is happy with that - OP's DS isn't.

@Lospecesenelrio this is going round in circles now. I think the best thing you could do is get someone else to talk to him. Either his dad, or a grandparent. It's too emotional I think for both of you - he needs someone to gently tell him that his stepsister calling you mum is only a word so far as he is concerned, and will never make a jot of difference to your love for him, but that it's a huge thing for a little girl who hasn't 'officially' really ever had a mother. You have clearly been a mother to her all along - it's just expressing it out loud now.

Your son just needs a bucketload of reassurance on that point - and then down the line address the silent treatment thing! They're separate issues though.

I really hope it all works out for you. You seem to have a lovely family.

IsThisOneAvailable · 29/12/2023 22:10

I don't understand how you aren't a mum to her? You may not be her biological mum, as she is aware, but you're still a mum to her (the best/only one she has really by the sound of it) so why shouldn't she call you mum?

Genericusername3 · 29/12/2023 22:08

LovelyIssues · 29/12/2023 21:51

Did you say he was 19!?! An actual ADULT whose having a hissy fit over someone else saying Mummy?! That is v odd OP. I'd be showing him the door...

Wow. Extremely simplistic and absolutely no consideration for the son’s needs in this post. And showing him the door would hardly be a great example for the other kids either.

”Hey kids, I’ve kicked DS out because he’s expressing some kind of emotional disturbance and I don’t have the inclination / depth to help him, and ultimately us as a family, to figure out what’s happening for him. So take note! Because when you’re older if you express any form of emotion that I’m not comfortable with, you’ll be on your way too”

Lovely.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 22:08

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 21:56

You asked for examples, I found you some. Just because it wasn’t littered with negative posters, the point was made presumably because in this case it’s hard to conceive it could be anything other than unanimously in favour of the OP. However, whether you agree or disagree, one person is equally as entitled to their point of view as another. This is an online forum, not a school playground. One doesn’t need a point to be endorsed by others to be valid or considered. What an odd point of view you hold. I actually only made it to page 3 and decided it was an arduous task but they were from page one. I can very well imagine there may be more. I don’t feel that need either, I just remember reading some early on in the thread. It wasn’t actually my point. I was just helping you find some examples as you asked so nicely.

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As requested You found two posts. 1 op not the mum and 1 mum and forename compromise. That in no way is a tah-dah moment that changes the thread tone or direction. Unfortunately a lot of the thread have been recommending harsh and punitive solutions.
What is your actual point having found 1 affirmative she’s not the mum post, what do you think this adds?