To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

An adoptive mother. OP’s daughter has asked her to adopt her.

A better woman than the mother who abandons their own DD.

The OP literally stated that one of her son's arguments against the step-daughter calling the OP "mum" was that she could turn out to be a supermodel and that he could fall in love with her.

How else can somebody take that? It's odd and perverse.

Then he said: What if she turns out to be a super model and I fall in love with her ?

Yep, that comment right there confirms that something is not right. It's not normal for a man to have this thought about his 9 year old step-sister.

It's abnormal for your son to have such a massive complex with your step-daughter calling you "mum".

Tell me your either haven't read all of OP's posts or your reading comprehension skills are low without telling me...

What a stupid stupid comment. Shame on you.

Find her mother. What type of person let's a little girl call them mum when mother is alive???

God alive. What kind of pure nonsense is this?

But you are not her mother. I am on DS side. You are his mum. Let her call you by a nickname. Find her mother. What type of person let's a little girl call them mum when mother is alive???

That’s why I said the long game! He may be looking down the road. Don’t you remember Woody Allen? Married his adopted daughter! Stuff happens.

Lol what? By that account adopted children don't have a Mum or Dad, either. You don't need to be blood related to be someone's parent. It's a draconian idea to think that way.

The O/P is her Mum. The little girl has chosen her to be her parent. That is a massive thing. To be called Mum or Dad is a huge privilege, not one that is just given to a donor.

Definitely the right call for professional support OP - really glad you've come to that decision in agreement with his dad. Agree this thread is probably not going to be the best place for help for you right now.

I shouldn't try to read too much in to what he's saying. I'm hoping all of this is some kind of mixed up cry for help, coming from a place of fear, rather than anything more sinister, but it needs professional support to work it all through properly.

Please don't beat yourself up though, you've had a really tough job from the start, and are doing pretty amazingly! Not one of us parents in the perfect way all the time, all we can do is our best and be open to changing track when needed, and that's what you're doing.

I’m going to throw this out just as food for thought. Your son mentioned your daughter becoming a super model, which is odd. Could it be that he is playing the long game and hopes to have a relationship with her in the far future? Can’t date your sister. She must be a very pretty girl for him to say something like that. Food for thought!

Dear lord! I was thinking before that he might hurt your daughter so I totally agree with you, he’s dangerous. Does he want to live with his father? And I know you have to tread that lightly. He needs the professional help that you mentioned but you need professional guidance in how to deal with him in the meantime. So sorry that you have to deal with this.

Completely agree 👍🏻

But OP I actually think this thread has done any good it is going to do now. You seem to have settled on a path and, while you may be cross with him, leaving open a thread that is producing such negative discussion of your DS is becoming steadily less constructive .

Possibly the reaction is triggered by something rather less dramatic (Cf what is being inferred), namely that he has an indisputable point along the lines that he and the SD are not blood relatives at any level, not with him nor his “mum”, nor his grandparents. I think he has chosen a lurid way of making that point. Many are of the opinion that that shouldn’t matter; but DS seems to feel it does. I expect OP might find a strictly biological analysis upsetting, having cared for this little girl.

Do you or have you ever had any concerns about your sons and your daughter's relationship? What he said about the supermodel stuff has obviously set something off in you. Why? What is your gut telling you? Listen to it.

The fact you call her your daughter means she is your daughter and you are her mum. It sounds like you have a lovely bond. You have done nothing wrong here.

@Lospecesenelrio but I have this voice in my head telling me "he's dangerous"

of course you do, everybody heres been telling you he's awful, terrible, offensive, abusive, manipulative ect. & you've said nothing to defend him only saying you personally have never done anything to cause him to be insecure ect.

get off mumsnet, look after all you kids & follow your childrens desires (to a point) im what they're comfortable telling you = he doesn't want another sister/child calling you mum. So either change or be prepared to cut ties for a few years.

He's absolutely not a paedophile if he has a girlfriend in his age group & no history of abusing minors so comments like this will simply stir up complete drama & 'you need to kick him out' sentiment.

this thread is turning into a shit show

Firstly, cut yourself some slack! You won’t be the first parent to parent out of guilt and as a consequence raised a little prince. I would have a talk to his biological father and agree how you plan to tackle his behaviour, appeasement has brought you here but it doesn’t have to define your future relationship with him. His immaturity is showing. and he’s trying to manipulate you like he always has done. I think his clumsy what if comments about falling for his sister, is a perfect illustration of his immaturity.

I don’t think all is lost but there does appear to be a need for professional support (I would be very worried how his level of entitlement could impact any future relationship with a gf or bf).

Stand firm but stand firm with professional support (family therapist) in place.

He's at uni now - is there scope for him to live independently? I know you don't want him to feel pushed out or anything - but maybe he needs to learn a few life lessons? I know my DS, similar age, needs to move out to knock a few edges off!

You did the best you knew at the time. It's coming across loud and clear how much he's been loved and cared for by his family.

I think it maybe is time to put your foot down on this one. It's too important to you and your daughter.

@Lospecesenelrio so sorry you’re going through this.

I’ve probably mentioned a handful of times on this thread that professional help would definitely be the way forward. And it’s brilliant you have a certain level of self awareness too - I’m not saying you should blame yourself completely but some parents will not take any responsibility at all for issues that show up in their kids, so I think this self awareness will really help you all moving forward.

I just hope you can manage to get him to accept the involvement of professionals on this.

He may have just been saying something extreme for the point of shocking you into doing what he wants, which isn’t justifiable in itself, but it’s completely understandable that you’d be worried about this kind of comment.

These are only my thoughts but I feel that there’s a possibility it might not even be the fact that she is SD rather than DD that he’s bothered about, although he’s using that to his advantage. In some first borns, once a second child comes along they effectively feel “dethroned” and can form inferiority complex based off of this. It could be that after so long of having you and his birth father do everything he wanted, another child has come along and he’s struggled with the dynamic change. Obviously I have no idea whether this is the case with your son but I really do wish you all the best in getting to the bottom of this.