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Original poster

To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

613 replies

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

OP posts:
Catsmere · 28/12/2023 22:00

From your update, OP, he does sound jealous, possessive and immature. Does he dislike his stepfather as well? How else does he behave around your stepdaughter? Agree with other posters, he needs to grow the fuck up and drop the childish threats.

Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:59

@Tacotortoise Yes! Even if I get a divorce, I will always be there for her. No question.

OP posts:
angieloumc · 28/12/2023 21:57

Your son needs to grow up. Good on you for being there for her.

Crooklodge · 28/12/2023 21:57

RedHelenB · 28/12/2023 21:42

But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide.

The mothers not been involved in nearly half her life, doubt the kid will even remember her. Why shouldn't op be her mum? She HAS been her mum in all that time.

I met my dh when dd was 10mo, her dad started getting involved as soon as he heard that. Saw her once a month for tea/lunch or sometimes once in a blue moon had her overnight. My dh is her dad full stop, she says this. He's the man that's attended every single parents evening, show, call for parent helpers at the forest school, loved, worried, cared, known, bought, stressed and cried with her over the last 15 years, not her 'dad'. The tags of real mum and dad are VERY fucking fickle.

olympicsrock · 28/12/2023 21:55

He is being childish. My nephews chose to call their stepmum ‘Mum’ as their own mum had died and they wanted to . Their stepsisters who are a similar age call their stepfather by his first name because their own fathers are still in the picture .

Children should do what feels right for their individual circumstances.

Crazycrazylady · 28/12/2023 21:55

Honestly tell your son that she's a little girl who is desperate to feel
' the same ' as everyone else in the house. He is incredibly unreasonable over this. She is just a little gir.

JMSA · 28/12/2023 21:54

Your son seems to feel insecure in his relationship with you.
No judgement at all from me, but this seems to be the only explanation I can think of.
How has your relationship with him been over the years? And how was he when your husband and then twins came along?
It's all very well people calling him a bellend, but I suspect there's rather more to it!

FortunataTagnips · 28/12/2023 21:54

Poor little poppet - of course she should call you mum if she wants. Your son needs to grow the fuck up.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 28/12/2023 21:53

The posters saying her calling you mum is too much are being ridiculous.

Let her call you mum.

And tell your son to grow tf up.

Sallybegood · 28/12/2023 21:53

Is your son generally a nice person? If so I’d be trying to get to the root of the hurt and insecurity that might be leading him to behave this way - without backing down on the fact that she absolutely should be able to call you mum if she wants to. Does he need some reassurance that he isn’t being replaced in your affections by these younger kids? Is there some jealousy over the fact that if you are her ‘mum’ then she gets to have two loving married parents raising her in one house, which he didn’t get to have? I disagree with the people saying ‘he needs to grow up’ practice tough love etc - 19 is still pretty young.

If he’s generally unpleasant or controlling then obviously that’s a wider issue.

Sodndashitall · 28/12/2023 21:53

There has to be something underneath this for your son. This is quite a strong reaction from a 19 year old. My bestie who is Indian calls her MIL Mum (she has a different name for her actual mum) and her DC call me auntie. I'm not their actual aunt.
My mum's DP is not my dad or even my step dad but my kids would call him grandad (in his language).
Just to illustrate that lots of people call people things like mum or dad etc to reflect the relationship they have rather than the bloodline.
So if your son is having this reaction there's something else that's behind his upset and you need to get to the bottom of it. Have you tried the usual trick of empathy, understand and listen?

LunaTheCat · 28/12/2023 21:53

Just how lovely is it that she ants to call you “Mum” and it’s come completely and naturally from her.
Take your 19 year old out lunch… lots reassurance and emphasise your relationship hasn’t changed but it’s important for your daughter… if he carries on objecting tell him he is wrong.

ACynicalDad · 28/12/2023 21:52

Is he likely to move out fairly soon, maybe it couldn’t happen at a worse time for him, he could see it as her replacing him, but he is being an arse and should grow up. Is adopting her in your plans? If so maybe now is the time?

please stand your ground, she Is 9 and needs you more, perhaps ask if he wants to call William dad and have two dads?

Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:52

FloofCloud · 28/12/2023 21:48

I think mum is too much as there's more than you and her involved. Why not pick another name like mama or something familiar around your own name (so
juju if you're Julie etc ... but solely for her?) or anything that can be portrayed as you being a little different in your relationship? Just tomkeep your own child/children supported too and her own mother really is her mum

So, what do I tell her? "You can't call me mum."

OP posts:
Hoglet70 · 28/12/2023 21:52

He is jealous. He will get over it. He needs to understand she is younger and doesn't have her Mum and he is so lucky. God knows how you get that over to him but I hope you work it out.

INeverForgetAFaceButInYourCaseIdLikeTo · 28/12/2023 21:52

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 28/12/2023 21:45

I'd tell him to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a bellend. He's 19 not 10. Absolutely no excuse for behaving like that.

I feel sorry that a little girl whose biological mother hasn't seen her for years is seen as a threat to a man of 19

Tacotortoise · 28/12/2023 21:52

Are you going to adopt her @Lospecesenelrio?Or make so.e other form of life-long commitment? Because this child has already lost one mother, she doesntneed to risk losing g another.

As for your ds, I guess he's feeling pretty replaced by your "new" family and objecting to you styling yourself as mum to your stepdaughter comes from this.

stomachamaleon · 28/12/2023 21:51

@Lospecesenelrio sorry have just seen your update.

YourNameGoesHere · 28/12/2023 21:51

FloofCloud · 28/12/2023 21:48

I think mum is too much as there's more than you and her involved. Why not pick another name like mama or something familiar around your own name (so
juju if you're Julie etc ... but solely for her?) or anything that can be portrayed as you being a little different in your relationship? Just tomkeep your own child/children supported too and her own mother really is her mum

Why is mum too much? She's 9 she wants to fit in and not be the other in her family so having a different name is only going to make the situation worse.

Her being called mum by this child is in no way shape or form going to impact her own kids, he son needs to grow the fuck up.

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 21:51

What's this 19 year old man's issue with his 9 year old stepsister? Is he a bully? He's obviously extremely insecure and immature to be threatened by her calling you Mum. It's not like it stops him using it or being your son. Is he as snarky about his half siblings?

stomachamaleon · 28/12/2023 21:50

He needs to explain why. Can you speak to him calmly.
My son would be the same but he is asd and you haven't mentioned neurodivergence
He would mean it more in the factual sense though rather than being mean.
You are doing the right thing and if he sulks so be it. He is an adult. I would try and get through to him though.

ShiteRider · 28/12/2023 21:50

RedHelenB · 28/12/2023 21:42

But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide.

There’s more to being a mum than biology

Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:50

QueSyrahSyrah · 28/12/2023 21:46

Is there some other mitigating reason that a 19 year old young Man would be jealous of a 7 year old girl who doesn't have her own Mum around?? I can't wrap my head around it otherwise.

Like a PP assuming it's not SEN or ND that is having an effect here I'd be telling him to grow up, frankly.

He does not have any special needs, he is a healthy young man, lots of friends, has a girlfriend. I tried discussing with him, reassuring him that I will always be his mother and nothing will change. Me going from Firstname to mum isn't going to impact on anything. But he just gets mad, and says " She is William's child , are you not happy with the 3 you have?.... I am going to start calling (Father's wife) mum then"

It's so childish. I am lost.

OP posts:
tennesseewhiskey1 · 28/12/2023 21:49

Your son sounds awful sorry OP. He needs to grow up.

pinkstripeycat · 28/12/2023 21:49

He needs to grow up!