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Original poster

To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

613 replies

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

OP posts:
Kwasi · 28/12/2023 22:21

He'll get over it. Hopefully his gf will point out that he's being a massive tit.

Let him call his step-mum 'Mum'. It won't last.

theduchessofspork · 28/12/2023 22:21

FloofCloud · 28/12/2023 21:48

I think mum is too much as there's more than you and her involved. Why not pick another name like mama or something familiar around your own name (so
juju if you're Julie etc ... but solely for her?) or anything that can be portrayed as you being a little different in your relationship? Just tomkeep your own child/children supported too and her own mother really is her mum

The OP’s son is 19, he has no logical reason to feel threatened and needs to work through it.

The OP’s stepdaughter’s biological mother is her biological mother, not her mum.

She needs a mum

Redglitter · 28/12/2023 22:19

But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide

But she is her Mum in every sense that matters. Her biological mother isn't part of her life. The OP is the one who's bringing her up. She's the only mum she knows, it's perfectly understandable she calls her mum

The adult son should be ashamed of himself

Ted27 · 28/12/2023 22:18

I have a 19 year old son. I also foster a 12 year old who has been with me for 7 months, who calls me mum. He also calls my parents nanny and grandad. My son is absolutely fine with this.
We all understand that our fosterling has a mum, the one who has let him down. We also all understand that our fosterling has a desperate need for a mum figure. And at the moment I'm it.
I think your son needs to grow up and the child you recognise as your daughter should be able to call her mum figure, mum

SemperIdem · 28/12/2023 22:18

Does he think that the twins are the “binding” factor in the family and that if she is calling you mum too then it is all about Williams children, it becomes more his family and your son feels he has less of a place within it, especially being so much older than the other children?

Borth · 28/12/2023 22:18

Your son is being a knob.

muggart · 28/12/2023 22:18

He sounds like he has some maturing to do.

Please don't let him think he has a right to meddle in your relationship with your SD. It's amazingly entitled that he even thought he could get a say in what she calls you.

Is he kind to his girlfriend? I hope he is not as controlling with her.

theduchessofspork · 28/12/2023 22:18

In this instance her need for a mother outranks his feeling of upset. (By some margin.)

Do take it seriously and ask him to talk to you about what’s bothering him - he feels how he feels and we all want to be heard - but don’t indulge him too much. He is going to have to learn to live with this one.

MerryBlueberry · 28/12/2023 22:16

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 22:15

@FraiseRoyale well he complains she's "annoying " and "always wants to be with me".

He is often at his girlfriend's house or out with friends. So he exaggerates a lot. Overall, I have never seen him behaving rudely towards her. He complains to William, not even to me, which I find odd.

I always told him that I wouldn't tolerate any bullying or mistreatment in our household.

How does he act and talk about your twins? Which are younger and probably a lot more needy?

MerryBlueberry · 28/12/2023 22:16

FloofCloud · 28/12/2023 21:48

I think mum is too much as there's more than you and her involved. Why not pick another name like mama or something familiar around your own name (so
juju if you're Julie etc ... but solely for her?) or anything that can be portrayed as you being a little different in your relationship? Just tomkeep your own child/children supported too and her own mother really is her mum

can you read? Would you like the Op summarised? A 9 year old child has not seen her own mum for 4 years and hardly before that. She loves with a woman she has known and loved with practically her whole life who loves and treats her like a daughter and she wants to feel safe and belong. Why would you want to make her still feel like an outsider but refusing to let her call her mum but MUm Jane for example?
are you this delightful in real life?

Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 22:15

@FraiseRoyale well he complains she's "annoying " and "always wants to be with me".

He is often at his girlfriend's house or out with friends. So he exaggerates a lot. Overall, I have never seen him behaving rudely towards her. He complains to William, not even to me, which I find odd.

I always told him that I wouldn't tolerate any bullying or mistreatment in our household.

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 28/12/2023 22:14

How does your 19 year olds behave in general? Is he quite a stroppy brat in general, or is he quite mature in general?

I'm guessing he feels threatened that he will loose out on your attention and affection. Which is quite an immature point of view for a 19 year old but it is clear he is feeling emotional not rational. Perhaps he harbours resentment that when you met DH and/or had the twins (and he grew up) he lost out on attention and saw you giving what he perceived as "his" attention to your DH and the twins? I don't know, I'm guessing.

I think firm loving boundaries might be the way forward with him.

"You shouldn't let her call you mum!"
"I love you, I love [twins, other siblings], and I love her, she is part of our family and her calling me mum takes nothing away from the bond that you and I have."

"I'm going to call so and so mum then"

"If you like. I'll always love you."

"Good cos I'm going to go no contact to hurt you"

"That would hurt me very much yes, because I love you and nobody is replacing you in my affections. You will always be my son and much loved."

"Aren't your own children enough for you?"

"Yes, you are enough. I'm lucky to have more than enough love for you all including [stepdaughter]. [Stepdaughter] calling me mum doesn't take anything away from you being my wonderful offspring. I have enough love for you all, I promise!"

It's the sort of language I'd use with a 10 year old, but since he's acting like he's 10 he can be spoken to like he's 10.

Castellanos · 28/12/2023 22:14

I'd be tempted to suggest a couple of sessions either with a family therapist if he cant come to terms with it himself, because it's coming from somewhere unhealthy and he needs to address that or it may crop up in other aspects of his life.

Sallybegood · 28/12/2023 22:14

Feelingdozy · 28/12/2023 22:03

Do you think he could be concerned that everyone else in the family will be calling you both mum and dad, while he will say mum and William - making him feel the odd one out/ not part of the family? Especially as he’s older, he might feel excluded/less special. Not saying that’s the case just if he’s insecure he might feel like that?

This is a good post. Would William be ok with your son calling him Dad? Would his actual father be ok if he understood the reason? If so then maybe make that offer to your son? He may not want to act on it but at least you’d have made the offer.

MerryBlueberry · 28/12/2023 22:13

RedHelenB · 28/12/2023 21:42

But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide.

Eh? She has not seen her own mum for 4 years, this mother figure treats her like a daughter. Are you saying all adoptive and step parents who step in when a parent dies is not a parent? Of course she is her mum and it’s wonderful that she wants to call you tha5 @Lospecesenelrio and you see her as your daughter. Your son is being crazy and there must be a reason. Does he think he’ll have less inheritance? Ask him what will happen when you adopt her.

FraiseRoyale · 28/12/2023 22:12

OP, you say he has a problem with your stepdaughter. How does he treat her? Because I would have a real problem with an adult in my home treating a child unkindly.

Pootle23 · 28/12/2023 22:12

I’m with the he needs to grow up team.

A little girl needs the stability of calling you Mum and your man child is having a hissy fit. Tell him to stop being so pathetic and grow up.

Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 22:09

@Catsmere Him and William get along greatly. Have same love for football. When our twins were born, he was jealous, but I put it down to teenage years. Now, the twins and him get along great. It's only with our daughter he has a problem with.

I am going to be honest, no, he isn't generally nice. But I made poor choices, I got pregnant with him when I was only 15, so maybe I have not been a good mother. His own father is amazing though, took care of his son and still does.

For the other poster who asked, he isn't moving anytime soon. He goes Uni, 20 mins away and wants to stay until he finishes he studies, which I have 0 issue with.

OP posts:
Jingleballs2 · 28/12/2023 22:06

In this situation where she has had no contact with her real mother and you have taken on that role completely, then yes if she wants to call you mum and you and her dad are happy with it then that's all that matters. Poor girl just wants to feel like she has a proper mum.

Your son is acting extremely immature for being 19. Let him kick off, he'll get over it.

WhatTheFuk · 28/12/2023 22:04

This is an adult man. He's being an arsehole and a bully.
She is a young child craving a maternal attachment figure and to feel included in her family. You have adopted that role since she was very young and have a responsibility towards her.

SD1978 · 28/12/2023 22:03

You've raised her for 5 years with minimal input from her mum. She lives in a house fulltime where everyone else calls you mum. Of course she knows you're not birth mum, but she loves you and relies on you as much as her dad. You son already 'shares' you with 2 younger siblings, so I assume it's not a jealousy thing, but he is a bullying twat for trying to make the girl feel like she is less than. I'm sorry, I couldn't tolerate that behaviour from a young grown man. He sounds like he's being quite horrible

HappyHamsters · 28/12/2023 22:03

Is he likely to take it out on her, does he treat her nice like a sister? He sounds jealous and insecure.

Feelingdozy · 28/12/2023 22:03

Do you think he could be concerned that everyone else in the family will be calling you both mum and dad, while he will say mum and William - making him feel the odd one out/ not part of the family? Especially as he’s older, he might feel excluded/less special. Not saying that’s the case just if he’s insecure he might feel like that?

Thedogscollar · 28/12/2023 22:02

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 22:00

From your update, OP, he does sound jealous, possessive and immature. Does he dislike his stepfather as well? How else does he behave around your stepdaughter? Agree with other posters, he needs to grow the fuck up and drop the childish threats.

Exactly this. He is coming across as a very unlikeable young man. His reasoning is wrong on every level. If he was 9 yrs old understandable but 19 no way.

Upwiththelark76 · 28/12/2023 22:02

Sorry hit your son is being awful . He’s an adult . Your daughter is young and probably longing to belong. I think it says a lot about you OP that SD wants to call you mum . Don’t deny her because your grown son is jealous