To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

I havent said he shouldnt have feelings. She has spoken to him and tried to discuss it, he is not listening at all? Should she give in and tell the DD to not call her mum. 19 yos are not children, my 15 and 17 yo sound more mature TBH. At 19 he should be able to understand why she wants to call her mum and at the same time articulate why he is unhappy about it. Instead he's given the response I would expect from a 12/13 yo. Why do people on MN baby young adults so much.

Very good advice.

Feeling “replaced” by your parents ( and I’m not saying he has been but it seems to be how he is taking it) is incredibly damaging. I think you are going to have to tread respectfully round those feelings. If he wasn’t feeling it, he wouldn’t make such a tit of himself by saying it!

Imagine using the word bellend when describing someone's child on this forum, a forum for mothers seeking advice. What an awful thing to say - seems like you're the one who needs to grow up.

I'd be telling your son that he doesn't get to dictate to you. She's a little girl who doesn't know her biological mother.

Your son needs a lesson in compassion. I'd not tolerate his bullshit over this for a second!

My immediate thought is that your son needs to grow up a bit..sorry. I don't think there is a problem her calling you mum. You know you're not bio mum and does she but you are being mum in all other ways. The ways that matter and its a massive compliment to you. Hopefully you can adopt her.

There is something going on with your son that probably dates back to when you and DH got together.
DS just hasn’t worked through those emotions and is placing it all on DSD.
He probably needs to talk to someone to work through things.

I always called my stepdad "dad" and my kids call him granddad. My actual dad fucked off into the sunset, he doesn't (didn't - he's dead now) get a reserved title when he has done nothing worthy of it and when he reappeared when I was a teenager I generally called him by his first name because it was so weird that he'd stroll back into my life and expect to be given "dad" status over the man who actually turned up to my school Christmas plays etc.

However I'm also half an only child as I have a half sibling and I did find it weird that she jumped into calling my bio dad "daddy" the week he reappeared after 14 years (she had never met him before). I cringe now when I remember how shitty I was to her over that.

Your DS needs to understand that he's not losing anything here and be reassured that his place in the family hasn't changed, that you still love him and that you want him to know he's still your very loved son. I'd find a way to put him in the role of helper rather than competitor, so he sees this as an exercise in helping his step sister rather than vying for your love.

How do they get on? Is he usually so cold.

First up: your little SD sounds adorable and well done for creating such a secure relationship for her that she has asked this.

The next bit I can hardly believe I am about to say as your DS is being incredibly immature BUT it sounds to me as though SD is actually going to be able to be the more mature one here AND I have some sympathy for your boy given the background you have given. I think if he feels territorial about you, pushing things is not going to help and is maybe going to create an ongoing problem. Do you think ( and I don’t know her) that you could possibly explain that you would be honoured to have her call you Mum and that you are so delighted she has asked, but that DS is feeling threatened by it and you don’t really understand it but don’t want to rush him and that you hope he will change his mind. It’s absolutely honest, shows you respect both their feelings and with luck not pushing it may help him to feel better about it. I know DS is much older but … he does have a point. You are his biological mum. Making a statement that that doesn’t mean something special sounds like the wrong path given his stance and what you say about his background. He seems to be needing to claim that still and have you reinforce that it means something. He’s old to be having those issues but it seems he does. It’s immature but clearly where he’s at.

At 19 years old, he needs to get a grip.

Come off it, he's barely out of childhood and he is entitled to have feelings too, you know.

There's clearly something deep-rooted here and his discomfort has now emerged in his objections to his stepsister calling his mother, "mum"!!

Your son is an adult and behaving like a spoiled brat and if he threatened me by saying he'd leave if I didn't do what he wants, I'd say you must do what you think is best, he'd soon come running back with his tail between his legs.
What a brat.

Please don't accept the demonising of your son here either. It's horrible.

Couldn't agree more.

Way to make her feel like an outsider.

I think it’s lovey that she wants to call your mum. Your son is behaving appallingly. He’s blatantly jealous and needs to grow up.

Tell him directly how it’s going to be and see if he actually follows through with his threat. I suspect not. The only person he’d really be hurting is himself - he is responsible for his own actions.

Maybe you should suggest a counselling session with you and your son?

So there is a neutral place where he can explain why this bothers him so much?

You definitely aren’t being unreasonable and of course she can call you mum. My DSS lives with us and calls me mum even though his mum is still in his life; her contact is so sporadic and she put him
through a lot. He said, other people have two mums, you do everything a mum does for me, so why can’t I call you mum? I said he could call me whatever he liked so long as it wasn’t rude!

It sounds like he feels jealous of the mum you are now for the younger ones than maybe you were when he was young? Either way he is grown up and needs to take responsibility for his feelings now.

I completely agree. To be honest those comments come across as spiteful and childish.

It is completely normal for a child who has lived with a mother figure for basically half their life to want to call them mum esp as there are younger DC calling her mum.

I am surprised a 19 yo is behaving like this, i wouldn't even discuss it with him further, you've tried to speak to him, he's being completely childish about it. He will have to learn to accept it. Such a stupid comment about his dad's wife, if he had lived with her half his life and you were completely absent then the situation is the same but it clearly isn't in this case!

You sound like a fabulous step-mum and this little girl is very lucky. Please look into adopting her and make this official, perhaps it will look more real to your son when you actually have PR for her.
My friend is married to DH 2 (DH1 who is father to her son was a vile horrible man), and he adopted her son as a teenager and they all share a surname and made the decision not to have any more children. He doesn’t call him Dad but they’re all happy with that. Each case is so different.

We never stop needing our mothers. Even when they are long gone.

Don't be ridiculous.

I think you should take heed of what @Devonshiregal has to say. Wise words.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all 'grow the fuck up" at the click of fingers. But we don't , not many of us. We often feel sad, resentful, left out at any stage of our lives.

You can be 'mum' to this little girl and still take on board that your son is sad inside.

What a cruel and unwarranted comment to make!

This boy (and he is a boy, because 19 year old boys are still immature, never mind that they are legally men) has got a deep-seated issue around your blended family. He is entitled to his feelings too. For years of his life it was you and him OP, and then suddenly, he had to share. It's clearly been more difficult for him than you realised.

Absolutely, your SD should get to call you 'mum'. I think that's adorable, a testament to you, and her love for you.

However, you can't push your DS away either. Talk to him and try to understand why he feels the way he does. It sounds to me as if the little boy in him still feels somewhat usurped by your new family? Tell him frankly that you will always be his mother, and that he is fortunate to have both mother and father in his life. Ask him whether he wants his little stepsister to always feel like the odd one out? And does he want to call William 'dad' too so that they are all the same?

What is his dad like? Could he talk to him and try to explain it?

He needs to understand that the needs of a little girl whose mother has abandoned her trump any discomfort he feels about her calling you mum. Does he have grandparents that he's close to?

Please don't accept the demonising of your son here either. It's horrible.

Your son needs to get a grip. Your stepdaughter obviously loves you, little ones need a mum and she needs you.
It's not up to Your source, he has no business telling you what you can and can't do. Don't let him bully you

Devonshiregal - I do agree that this young man is jealous and has a problem with his place in the family and it very likely does go back to circumstances in the past. I have no doubt that the OP loves him and has always loved him, but might not have been in a position to provide for him in the same way as the other children and he will have been able to see this. He also had you as a sole parent for some years - he has done a lot of sharing of you! ...... with a new partner, with newly arrived twins and with stepdaughter. You cannot wave a magic wand and solve this, but telling a child (including an adult child) that you love them every day is a good route to go down.

It is the child in this young man who is speaking - we all have one inside us. I am a grandma and there are things that I resent about the way I was parented..... and that was a good while ago ...!