To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

Time to show some tough love OP, he's an adult at 19.

Tell him this is the situation and this is your house and you and your partner's children.

If he flounced off, let him. You've established some boundaries. You've said yourself you've been too lenient on him. Now you need some rules. It would help if his dad backed you on this as well.

If you actually bothered your arse to read the OPs posts you would see that her twins are both girls so she has 2 daughters already

Have you actually read the thread. The calling the OP Mum has been completely the girls idea.

But she isn't the mother

She is ss far as the .girls concerned. She has no contact with her biological Mum. The OP is her stepmum and the only Mum she's known.

Would you say the same to adopted children too

You haven’t read the thread. The child wants to call her Mum and has asked her to adopt her. There’s no forcing going on.

But she isn't the mother!

You are not her mother!!! Stop forcing kids. You only have sons so you force a little girl to call you mum? Why are women so obsessed with having daughters???

LinaLouLa

The son is acting like someone that has had a traumatic childhood and doesn't know how to express it.
There is (or was) a thread/s from children whose parents thought they did a fantastic job of raising their children but the posters think differently.

I think its wonderful that she wants to call you Mum. She's accepted you as you have accepted her, and she knows that you are raising her like your own children and care about her.
Your son is an adult behaving like a small child.
If she wants to call you Mum, let her!

Very well put.

💯

“Could be” vulnerable.

It’s not really up to any of us to decide whether he is, or isn’t vulnerable.

Your description is quite surface level and doesn’t account for any emotional vulnerability he may be experiencing. It’s almost like asking someone how on earth they could be depressed when they have [insert one or a combination of any number of perceived privileges] in their life.

None of us really know what’s going on with him, because none of us have actually spoken to him. We are all judging him - in whichever way we please - based on what OP has told us. And I do feel for her, she’s in a difficult situation. But it’s still just her own frame of reference. What’s going on inside his mind is important too. He’s a human being so I just find it really shocking that some posts suggest the worst of him and won’t appreciate there may actually be some kind of deep rooted issue which is causing him to behave in this way, that OP hasn’t been able to explore yet. Hopefully with some professional help they can get to the bottom of it.

No wonder there’s so many issues in the world when people are so quick to just judge others based on half a story and their own introjected values.

"mum" is the person who brings you up, who is there and acts maternally. Would you tell an adoptive parent they can't be "mum"? The child will have no memories of their own mother, and OP has been in their life since they were 2 years old. Agree it's not for son to decide, it's for "mum" and SD.

As the child of divorced parents, it's not always shit to have two homes, two families, two lives. Sometimes it scrap, sometimes it isn't. Just like families who are together. I do role my eyes at the pity and 'poor kids' attitude shown to divorcee children sometimes. We don't need to pander to children whose parents are divorced when they are the ones being unreasonable and having a tantrum because they've been asked to share their mummy. Especially when said child is approaching his 20's and aiming his spite at a little girl of 9.

Can't you read?? There ARE no "two homes"!!! This little girl's mother has effectively abandoned her! There ARE no "two sets of rules"!!

I think the PP meant the DS had two homes and this represented an additional hardship for him!

Yes.. so many people on here are way too quick to judge him. The lack of compassion for what could be quite a vulnerable young man has honestly astounded me.

How is he vulnerable? He’s a young man living his life; job, friends, girlfriend, social life. He has both parents who, although separated, get on well and a stepdad who he likes. He may have issues but seems to be used to calling the shots.

And even if she was, say as a foster child, if would be reasonable for her to call OP mum!

@OhmygodDont have you actually read all of the OP's posts? It is possible to do so without having to scroll through the whole thread.

If you had have read all of the OP's posts, you will have seen that this young man has absolutely been listened to - all of his life, and especially recently to try to understand and help him with what he is struggling with here.

Being listened to is not the same as having your opinions and demands agreed with. As it transpires this is likely the cause of the issues, because his young parents indulged his every whim as a child, thinking they were doing their best to raise a happy healthy young man who knew he was loved. Unfortunately now he's making a demand that absolutely cannot morally be met, and he's having the mother of all tantrums because he's not used to having to deal with accepting that things don't always go the way you want them to.

What an utterly horrible, nasty post!!!

To describe a little 9 year old girl as a "cuckoo" is appalling. She is a much-loved and equal member of the family!!!!

Can't you read?? There ARE no "two homes"!!! This little girl's mother has effectively abandoned her! There ARE no "two sets of rules"!!

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Again this is the ops oldest child feeling pushed out and pushed aside by a cuckoo / an interloper

What a horrible thing to call her. She's a 9 year old girl living with her Dad & Stepmum she's not some random waif or stray they picked up

Yes.. so many people on here are way too quick to judge him. The lack of compassion for what could be quite a vulnerable young man has honestly astounded me.

Again this is the ops oldest child feeling pushed out and pushed aside by a cuckoo / an interloper.

He and his half siblings are his mother’s biological children. He and this daughter are step siblings with that what entitles good or bad other parents. Two homes. Two set of rules. Etc. the ops step daughters mum going awol and now wanting to call op mum is in the sons eyes making her on par with a biological. His now the interloper the cuckoo the only one who doesn’t have one family, the only one with two homes. Yes his 19 now this this has been building since his mum first got with her partner. His been feeling slowly pushed out and held onto the one thing being that the other child in the house bar the ties. Was also a part timer in the house was also just a step. But now she’s getting a whole and his just the half.

His using anything he can throw at his mum and nobody is listening to him. Nobody is understanding it’s not about her as a person it’s what she represents as per his outrage that his mother would be happy for him to call another women mother when she is not.

this is dmanaged young man who’s been a damaged he’s young boy but nobodies ever listened and tried to truly help. Hugs and kisses and word don’t always help when someone sees actions just showing that they are not as worth or not as important.

JK8 He's absolutely not a paedophile if he has a girlfriend in his age group & no history of abusing minors so comments like this will simply stir up complete drama & 'you need to kick him out' sentiment.

I am NOT suggesting in any way that the OPs son is a paedophile; I have no idea as do none of us on here!

However the statement above regarding "proof" that he is not a paedophile "because he has a girlfriend and no history of abusing minors" is dangerous and naive rubbish. Neither of those things show irrefutably that he "absolutely is not a paedophile" and I would hope that most people would absolutely know that!

Your poor step-daughter should be able to choose what to call you. Your adult (but still growing up!) teenage son needs to back off and accept that it would be a huge rejection of your SD if you asked her to not call you mum any more. Just because it doesn't align with what he chooses to call his step-dad doesn't mean that it's wrong. His situation is also very different as he has both his dad and his step-dad providing positive male role modelling for him. Again it doesn't mean that his situation is right and hers wrong, just different.

Your son is acting like a child. It’s utterly ridiculous. She can call you what she wants and it’s bugger all to do with your son. Ffs he’s a grown man!

Some very strange and mixed up stuff here that isn't really articulating what the problem is! Counselling/professional help is the right way. Well done to you and his dad