To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

Because she’s 9 and she wants a mum

I actually haven’t noticed anyone mention that she shouldn’t be allowed to. I have noticed lots of posters suggesting she sorts her DS’s issues around that first.

The ops here saying not to allow this wee girl whose mother has abandoned to call OP mum, would
you like your own child treated like this if you weren't around?
Adopted kids, in laws etc use mum for non biological mums.
OP your son needs to grow up and learn empathy.

He is throwing a temper tantrum and threatening to cut his mother and siblings out of his life if he doesn’t get his own way😂.

are you honestly saying he is emotionally evolved? If my 15 year old nephew behaved this way I would be so disappointed in him. He has navigated bereavement and some serious health challenges with more maturity than this ‘boy’.

That’s very true. Adulthood is a process not an event. He’s still got one foot in his teenage years and is being honest enough to say he still feels a need for his mum to be his mum.

I think it’s lovely that she wants tk
call you mum. Absolutely fucking pathetic that a 19 year old would try and twist that into something negative.

He is also communicating his objections and making himself vulnerable in that sense. Many boys that age would be too proud to, would bottle and … abracadabra: we have another emotionally stunted male for MN to whinge about.

Not as vile as you do.

I suspect the root cause is in your relationship with him rather than being anything to do with your step daughter. With the other children being much younger you probably naturally spend more time with them? It must be quite difficult to suddenly have 3 young siblings after a long period of being your only child. 18/19 is a tough age as you’re expected to suddenly be an adult, how much time do you spend just the 2 of you?

That’s simply not the case. He’s a young man in turmoil. Have some perspective & understanding. Emotions and fear impact our Conscious & unconscious behaviour. Under stress people exhibit poor judgement &behaviour. he needs support and reassurance not a 4 word put down

so at the very least he is emotionally blackmailing his mum to get his own way and control the relationship his mum has with other family members.

Edited

Yep in the same way a toddler has a tantrum, but we don't call that 'coercive control' though technically it is.

Hes's not a toddler , he shouldn't be tantruming. But he is . He's communicating his fear and struggle. He's an immature adult, who needs reassurance and guidance.

I couldn't disagree with you more.

I think @Devonshiregal has raised some legitimate points.

it’s odd to me that you can so clearly appreciate the emotional cost to/stress/distress of your SD but failed to anticipate that your son may have negative feelings. It’s not that hard to anticipate surely that in a blended family he wants to feel that some part of his relationship with you is separate and sacrosanct?

He’s not a man he’s a boy still and your child. One would hope he felt secure enough in your love for him and in his place in the family to accept your SD calling you mum. But he (rightly or wrongly) doesn’t. I think you’re making him feel excluded in some way, superfluous, replaceable. Reassuring him of your unconditional love and understanding and most importantly of your role as his mother would seem the way forward - not telling him to grow up and accept something that is obviously hurting him.

He is reacting in an immature way, yes.

But he is her barely adult son, it is right that the reason he feels the way he does is explored.

It is not usual to leave your children to their own devices without support before they’re out of their teens.

I am a hardline feminist but it is boring seeing every male reaction to any and all situations being dressed up as being abuse.

Coercive control - are you for real????

This is a young man who for some reason is hurting, and he is lashing out!!!

What the hell is wrong with people here??!!!

Catch yourself on, his mother who raised him (& due to a secondary marriage/relationship) is now in the thick of raising another young, this time multi child family (1 step/soon to be adopted under 10 & twin 4yo's) at a time in his life when he's reached adulthood, has his own outlook & opinions & will probably start a family of his own within the next 10 years is being open with his feelings & being shut down by randoms.

Step familys are a frought situation & there's no reason why OP's family would be any different - even if they've had longer before it hit.

Thank you. And it will be the same kind of crowd as are crying he should be told to just grow up who will hand wringing and wailing on here in five years time when he’s impervious to his partners needs.

At 19 he's teetering on being an adult. You said you've been married to William for 7 years so your son was 12 then.Presumably you knew him for at least a year before marrying, which makes DS about 11 years old when you got together.

Obviously lots going on in his confused mind, even though his bio dad loves him and is very involved, he has issues with sharing you. You said he had to work things out when the twins arrived - well now his step sister wants to call you mum needs working out for him too.

Talking therapy perhaps? Sounds like you've said and done all the right things so maybe a few sessions with a professional might help DS.

And yes, I'd let DSD call me mum too.

It is controlling behaviour thought isn’t it?

He has stopped talking to his mother and has said he will never see his mother or siblings again if this little girl calls his mum mum.

so at the very least he is emotionally blackmailing his mum to get his own way and control the relationship his mum has with other family members.

I'd have some counselling with son, family therapy type thing, if you can, just a session or two. Assure him of your love but let him know that whatever your step daughter calls you, is not for him to decide.

bombastic nonsense. Adds nothing. No attempt to understand or seek solution. I think all this billy big balls posturing is empty rhetoric

With attitudes like this it’s no wonder there are women on here complaining on and on on other threads they are blighted by men who have zero compassion or respect for others feelings. The boy needs help.

No one has said that's not OK though, making threats when you don't get your own way isn't OK at 19 yos old though, I would expect a 70 yo to be able to have a conversation about their feelings without making childish threats. That's all I'm saying.

I definitely don't think the boy should be written off but equally he is old enough to be told he is being selfish, whilst also being told how loved he is etc, and he should be able to listen and take it on board. I am allowed an opinion about this based on my feelings and experiences, just as you are.

It is completely inappropriate to infer the sons feelings are “coercive control”.

He sounds absolutely vile