To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

He's a man now and has lived with this child her whole life nearly.
As for the poster saying he has to know he's no.1 priority, is that over her 4 yr old twins?
I haven't said write him off, but pandering and allowing him to make threats isn't acceptable.
At least we know where half of MN get their petulant sulking husbands they moan about.

@HerMammy

Showing support and reassurance isn't
"pandering and allowing him to make threats".

If your SD wants to call you mum as effectively you have been her mum for 7 years I think that's nice. Your son is being immature but I think you need to tell him he can't bully you or his siblings by making threats like he won't see you. That is ridiculous as he lives with you and is financially dependent on you. What does your husband say?

He obviously has an active dad so it seems unlikely he feels the odd one out by not calling your husband Dad. I think you have to accept he has a right to feel as he feels but overall I feel the need of a 9 year old to fit in trumps your sons unexplained resistance especially as he is an adult. Reassure him he is your first born and your SD calling you mum does not change your feelings for him. He doesn't sound very nice though.

Your son is behaving like a nasty little shit OP, and it is easy to tell because he likes to beat down on those more vulnerable than him.

Exactly. But for some posters, as soon as the boy is old enough to sprout a few hairs on his legs it has to be all his fault. He’s abusive or just inherently “vile.”

He isn’t being told to bottle it up. He has expressed his emotions many times, been reassured by his mum that he is loved. He is now not talking to his mother and threatening to cut off all his siblings.

he needs to understand this isn’t how healthy people manage their emotions. He hasn’t come down and said I. Understand why Chloe would want to call you mum, but I am struggling with it. He has said if he doesn’t get his way he is cutting everybody out of his life. He needs to understand that is wrong.

I don’t really see any aspect of his reaction that is commendable. Even his mum has said he isn’t a very nice person usually.

@SemperIdem
He's a man now and has lived with this child her whole life nearly.
As for the poster saying he has to know he's no.1 priority, is that over her 4 yr old twins?
I haven't said write him off, but pandering and allowing him to make threats isn't acceptable.
At least we know where half of MN get their petulant sulking husbands they moan about.

Perhaps the child wasn't introduced into his life correctly, the way that would lead to him accepting her as a "synthetic sibling"? The fact a 5 yrs old appeared in his life and stayed there for another 4 doesn't automatically mean he should love and accept her. His feelings are a reflection of what his parent and step-parent did or did not get right.

But I made poor choices, I got pregnant with him when I was only 15, so maybe I have not been a good mother.
OP I'm sure you are a good mother, you certainly sound like it, but your DS is likely very aware that as a young teen pregnancy he was a mistake (no matter how well loved and wanted) whereas this new family is one you actively chose. That may well not be helping his insecurity. Once upon a time it was just you and him, but then you chose to create a new family. I'm not saying it's rational, but knowing you were a mistake (I was one too) isn't always easy.

I wholeheartedly disagree.

There is a reason her young adult son is reacting so poorly and it is not “coercive control”, it is patently obvious he has no power within the family dynamic.

COVID has had a massive detrimental impact upon adolescent mental health
He was 16yo during covid his school and milestone’s interrupted .
It was a pretty big deal for lots of people. I wish the op and he e son well going forward.

In the name of god, your hand wringing over a selfish man resenting a child that's been in his life for a decade is ridiculous if not laughable.
I think you've covered every excuse including covid 🤣
Some people are just unpleasant, OP herself says he's not very nice, sometimes that's just it, no navel gazing reasons needed.

Well He is ' a man' but tbh I give my 19 yr olds a bit of leeway on this . Sometimes they act like 10 yr olds if I'm honest and I doubt they the only ones that do.

I think if OP can show her DSD the empathy and support she clearly has, she can also show her son the same.

And frankly I think she will. Most people don't just write off there kids like that @HerMammy. Nice or not.

Your son feels threatened by his step sister.
Please reassure him he is your number one priority and nobody will replace him. Maybe make time for you and him to meet once a week or whatever suits both of you for one to one time. Do not talk about the step daughter. As time goes on maybe bring the subject up again. Good luck. You are a fantastic mother.

Such a sensitive and wise post.

Here to tell me how it is are you? The Priti Patel approach to problem solving
navel gazing✅ ridiculous✅ handwringing✅ the tickbox of just get em told empty rhetoric

Same, so thats fine isn't it

OP, I’d be really wary of those people dismissing his feelings with “he’ll get over it”. Most people don’t really start to process their childhood until they’re adults and I don’t think 19 is very old at all for that. If you do what some posters here suggest (eg telling him bluntly to grow up) he may well not ever forgive you for it.

I’m incredibly low contact with my dad because he was persistently low-level crap at being a dad to me. Tbh, it really doesn’t help when you see a parent who was pretty crap at parenting you be much better at it for a younger half-sibling. It might be petty, selfish and immature, and I honestly wouldn’t want him to have been crap for them too but it is damaging to spend half your childhood wondering why you aren’t good enough.

I am obviously affected by my childhood, but there are lots and lots of (now) adults who grew up in blended families who were genuinely damaged by the experience. Particularly children from the first marriage.

Too true OP. Just write him off, aged 19. It’s only her son after all.

His behaviour is coercive control. His feelings are valid.

His feelings do not excuse his behaviour.

He wasn’t a man when he was introduced to a blended family set up.

He was a child.

and struggling with developing the skills of dealing with the set up as an adult. It’s late, but better late than never.

@Zone2NorthLondon
In the name of god, your hand wringing over a selfish man resenting a child that's been in his life for a decade is ridiculous if not laughable.
I think you've covered every excuse including covid 🤣
Some people are just unpleasant, OP herself says he's not very nice, sometimes that's just it, no navel gazing reasons needed.

Early on in the thread there were a couple of "have her call you by some other variant" (like "mama Jane" or something) posts.

Nope I’m not saying he is emotionally evolved. I actually think he clearly has some things that he really needs help with on the emotional front. I AM saying don’t slap him down for the aspects which are commendable, which is making himself vulnerable by admitting he cares about it. What do you honestly think telling him to bottle that feeling away is going to do to his future relationship skills?

The harsh and pejorative tone directed to this young man is awful. It’s obvious he’s in an emotional turmoil and as a result his behaviour and comments are provocative and clunky. He’s scared, anxious, and acting out. Starting point is reassurance and consistency to address his anxieties. This really isn’t complicated stuff to figure out. Like all of us he is trying to negotiate that balance between rational and irrational. He is only 19. Young person whose schooling and education, social development and milestones was interrupted by Covid 19. Part of His adolescence was in Covid and he’s in a blended family. Try be understanding

OP your son needs to grow up and learn empathy.

Of course he does!

But he needs help and reassurance from OP to do that. He's CLEARLY struggling with the set up.