To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

She obviously loves you, and loves the way you 'mother' her! You are her mother figure. I know children in long term foster care who call their foster carers 'mum and dad' because they need that connection, and that stability. If you like it, and she wants to do it, why not? I think your son needs to be a bit more empathetic... perhaps he feels jealous or threatened about it x

My DD's two children are adopted and call their birth mum Mum "Jane" (they still see her once a year) and my DD is called Mum. It works for them.
But I can't see why your son, supposedly an adult, feels the need to object. It's pretty childish.

Ah bless her. Yes id let her call you mum. If the 19 year old doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is. Youve done nothing wrong here

I agree with PP, adopting her sounds like a wonderful thing to do. It's great she has found someone she feels safe with enough to consider them her mum. As someone adopted it makes me especially happy to hear

Is adopting her on the cards? If so then that is your reason to your son though to be honest it sounds like jealousy to me.

To be honest my dd is a little jealous of my relationship with dsd, it's irrational but she still misses when only she mattered

I'll stop now then 👍🏻

Go back you’ll see I have queried other posts inc your posts. I note you directly address me, indicating you’re engaged and expecting a response from me

@Zone2NorthLondon

I did elaborate...

Maybe you could ask some other posters to do so too, rather than posting so repetitively to me only at this point?

Enjoy 😊

Completely agree!

I know he’s only 19 but he is an adult and is acting very selfish, childish and mean. I would nip this in the bud right now.

Angry? No not at all. Bemused? Certainly
if you post you should expect to asked to elaborate upon said post. That is how a discursive forum works

Ahh so it was a generalised there will be consequences post without any actual consequences

@Zone2NorthLondon

Again, I literally did what you asked. I didn't refuse to elaborate. I answered, you said I hadn't answered, so I copy and pasted my answer, then you said the same thing again... it's a very odd and ineffective way to engage with someone.

Here is a recap again:

I said I didn't know what the specific consequences would be in OP's house as I don't know her.

Then gave a specific example of what the consequence might have been in my home at 19.

As for saying I'm making it up to 'garner support' or crowd appeal... I'm an anonymous poster, not a politician looking for votes.

It's a post by a stranger. On someone else's thread. Your response is so disproportionately angry it's bizarre.

I hope your day improves.

You’re bombastic enough with the there will be consequences post. Unable to elaborate
That is the thing about common sense,get him told,easy to post. More complicated when you actually have to rationalise it
If you post on a thread you naturally will expect to be asked to elaborate or explain your post. You see that’s the point. Posting and then refusing to elaborate just further piques my interest . Anyone would think you’re just making it up for effect, crowd appeal , garner support from the get ‘im told crew

If you’ve never told him he was an accident, and you didn’t make the extremely unusual decision to deliberately try for a baby at 15, then he will have filled in the gaps for himself.
I think it’s possible a truthful but positive conversation about this might help. So - we weren’t using contraception properly but I didn’t think I’d get pregnant but as soon as I knew I loved you from that moment on. Or - I didn’t realize I was pregnant until I was 7months gone so it was all a bit of a shock but you were the most gorgeous baby ever and me and your dad and your grandparents loved you straight away and we’ve all done our best ever since to give you a great start in life.
Whatever the explanation is, tell him the basic truth and reiterate how much you’ve always wanted him and loved him.
If you and his dad did deliberately get pregnant at 15 - tell him!

@Zone2NorthLondon

I’m simply asking you to define and explain consequences and what that all means. Your bombastic but vague post didn’t elaborate upon consequences. It’s to be expected that you elaborate on your own recommendations

you see it’s very easy to post a recommendation such as consequences. Has limited crowd appeal ,common sense innit, you just get him told

What you’ve failed to do is elaborate or explain consequences or their impact

so go on then…start with consequences

Oh and we are both anonymous posters on a public forum.

You aren't a teacher marking an essay or setting an exam question, so the tone of your posts is very odd indeed 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Zone2NorthLondon

Huh? You asked what the consequences would be and I gave an answer in the post you've just quoted. I feel like you've had a really kneejerk reaction to my post and are now doubling down even though I directly answered you.

Here is my answer again:

I don't know what the consequence could be because I don't live in OP's home.

When I was 19 I would still get lifts from my parents when I went on nights out.

If I behaved like OP's son and been so mean about a nine year old member of the household, I expect those lifts might have stopped until my attitude had improved.

I’m simply asking you to define and explain consequences and what that all means. Your bombastic but vague post didn’t elaborate upon consequences. It’s to be expected that you elaborate on your own recommendations

you see it’s very easy to post a recommendation such as consequences. Has limited crowd appeal ,common sense innit, you just get him told

What you’ve failed to do is elaborate or explain consequences or their impact

so go on then…start with consequences

You refer to her as your daughter so of course she should call you mum. I assume she's been with you a long time too. My advice would be to get the adoption paperwork going. Your son has a right to his feelings, and perhaps he felt left out when she joined you, but couldn't put that in words back then. But now he's 19 not 12 and will have to learn to live with things that he dislikes.

i have said no one knows - all we know he acts like this now to his mother - I didn’t assign this unfavourable characteristic to him. His mother told us he does this.

he might continue to do it - he might not. But it’s not acceptable behaviour at this point in his life and hopefully he stops it

Maybe it's time to adopt her OP? Then you will be her mum and that will be that.

I'd be gentle but firm with your son, he's obviously struggling with this on some level. It may be that he is used to getting his own way and now sees that he can't get his own way with this and blames her. It might be that 'getting his own way' is what makes him feel loved - which is unhealthy but maybe understandable.

Perhaps discuss with him if that might be the case as he might not even realise and maybe talk about being a young mum and not always getting things right - always giving into him and the dynamic that has set up - but that even if he doesn't get his way it's no reflection on how much you love him.

She has no biological mum in her life and she has known you since before she can even remember. It would be a horrible rejection for her if you were to tell her she can’t call you Mum.

Your son, who is AN ADULT, is being childish and obnoxious about this and he needs to grow the fuck up.

@Zone2NorthLondon

Goodness you sound really angry about my post!

I don't know what the consequence could be because I don't live in OP's home.

When I was 19 I would still get lifts from my parents when I went on nights out.

If I behaved like OP's son and been so mean about a nine year old member of the household, I expect those lifts might have stopped until my attitude had improved.

I find myself to be harsher on my daughters that I was on him at the same age. I pretty much did everything he wished. So his behaviour is partially ( if not totally) my fault.

Unfortunately lack of boundaries from parents can create insecurity in children/teens. And he may see that you were willing to fight/make more effort for your daughters than for him.

When you said for him to call his step-mum mum if he wants. But he got offended and said "how could you agree so easily to let me call another woman mum" he is telling you very clearly he doesn't feel that the mum/son relationship is sacrosanct to you.

To be honest, as an insecure teen, if my mum had said this to me, it would have really hurt that she (apparently) didn't care enough to bother if I called another woman Mum.

What I dislike more and more about my son is that he is a bit hot and cold. If I don't do what he wants, he gives me the silent treatment. Then I feel guilty and always end up doing what he wants. So it's probably my fault for giving in every time.

This stood out to me OP, and there's no 'probably' about it, my sister has always been like this with her son who is now mid twenties, they have what seems to be a very unhealthy dynamic and never choose to spend time together willingly, what you're describing is a very toxic relationship and his future girlfriends will probably suffer the same fate as he has learned that this is how he gets what he wants, I'm sorry but he sounds awful and you seem to be enabling it.

At best it is a weird behaviour pattern, with my sister and son when he was a child they would be a bit horrible to each other out of nowhere, then make up in an overly soppy way, it was like she would be off with him, tell him off for stuff that wasn't his fault or give him the silent treatment because she wanted him to come and gush and tell her how much he loved her to get back in her good graces.. obviously he stopped gushing at some point, but this sounds like the opposite for your son, he's the one being awful for no reason and you're the one that comes running to 'make up'.

Stop letting him dictate to you, if your stepdaughter wants to call you mum then let her, it doesn't effect him in any way and the fact he's trying to put his foot down about it shows that he thinks his feelings are more important then anyone else in the household, so if he gives you the silent treatment then let him, but don't be the one to break it and demand an apology for his shit behaviour before you're willing to move on from it, it IS abuse and you need to break the cycle.

Absolutely nail on head.