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Original poster

To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

613 replies

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

OP posts:
mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 19:36

ImustLearn2Cook · 29/12/2023 00:39

He is using threats to control his mother’s behaviour and that is coercive control. It does need to be addressed for his sake as much as anybody else’s.

And failing to address his inappropriate behaviour because of his feelings is not doing him any favours. Excusing his behaviour because of his feelings will not benefit him at all.

If he is not challenged on this behaviour now, he will repeat it. Every time he repeats this behaviour and gets away with it he will feel more justified and entitled to behave that way. Then the behaviour escalates. That is called environmental conditioning. And we are all shaped to some extent by environmental conditioning. It’s part of our human development and no one is above that.

In many studies of intimate partner violence, coercive control was the precursor to physical acts of violence and murder.

And while I am not predicting his future by this one incident. I am saying that it is important for him to learn right now that it is not ok to control other people by threatening them.

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That is a total load of tosh!!!

whatsitcalledwhen · 29/12/2023 19:35

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 19:31

Young females might need emotional support but not young men ⬅️utter Nonsense
Gender stereotypes and assigning roles is harmful and is not meeting individual needs, nonsense like this creates and perpetuates harmful stereotypes and reinforces dysfunctional beliefs
Humans have individual needs that aren’t easily reduced or categorised into male and female needs.
We all need,want and seek regard, love and warmth. Irrespective of whether one is male or female

The poster was being sarcastic.

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 19:34

slore · 29/12/2023 00:25

Yes, because his feelings are completely and utterly unreasonable. You can't even give a good reason for it.

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I don't have to - I am not inside his head!! You're utterly unreasonable!

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 19:31

Young females might need emotional support but not young men ⬅️utter Nonsense
Gender stereotypes and assigning roles is harmful and is not meeting individual needs, nonsense like this creates and perpetuates harmful stereotypes and reinforces dysfunctional beliefs
Humans have individual needs that aren’t easily reduced or categorised into male and female needs.
We all need,want and seek regard, love and warmth. Irrespective of whether one is male or female

Mumof2NDers · 29/12/2023 19:27

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 19:25

Wtaf?
Young men don’t need emotional support?
What an absolute load of fucking bollocks!

of course they do @Mumof2NDers I was being sarcastic re what @DeeLusional said.

I’m so sorry. I was reading posts on here in between reading texts from my DS (who has managed to get himself stranded miles from home again!) x

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 19:25

Wtaf?
Young men don’t need emotional support?
What an absolute load of fucking bollocks!

of course they do @Mumof2NDers I was being sarcastic re what @DeeLusional said.

Julimia · 29/12/2023 19:19

This is clearly what your SD wants or she wouldn't be doing it. This is not about what you are 'letting her do' explain this to your son and let him sort out his threats without you showing that he is 'getting to you'

Mumof2NDers · 29/12/2023 19:16

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 19:03

Controlling males come from somewhere, and we hear over and over again that "And they have such a lovely family". Guilt-ridden mothers give in all the time, women need to get bolshie with adolescent males and show them that they can't ride roughshod over females. Yes female teenagers blow hot and cold but in case you missed it, there are far fewer coercive-controlling females than males.

Here we sum up 'coercive control'. And how to sort it out.

Young females might need emotional support but not young men.

Wtaf?
Young men don’t need emotional support?
What an absolute load of fucking bollocks!

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 19:14

No one is at fault.its really not about women inadequately parenting men
This is a manifestation of human condition eg our vulnerabilities, ties,love and fear. We all experience these emotions and we all learn and exhibit a range of coping. This young man isn’t coping, he’s said as much. He needs support
His fears are conscious & unconscious it is about emotions,attachment,blended families and irrational but deep fear of abandonment . He is sad not bad. He is human, it’s how we are wired

imsoverytired83 · 29/12/2023 19:13

Tell him 'I want to be her mum'

imsoverytired83 · 29/12/2023 19:12

You sound lovely and your step daughters request backs that up. She obviously loves you a lot.

I'd explain to your son he can call his step mum whatever he wants. Her calling you mum doesn't change how you feel about him. I'd also consider adopting her if you can. He needs to grow up.

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 19:09

Once again it's the fault of mothers who didn't put adolescent boys straight.

What garbage.

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 19:07

Guilt-ridden mothers give in all the time, women need to get bolshie with adolescent males and show them that they can't ride roughshod over females.

" Riding rough shod over females "

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 19:03

Controlling males come from somewhere, and we hear over and over again that "And they have such a lovely family". Guilt-ridden mothers give in all the time, women need to get bolshie with adolescent males and show them that they can't ride roughshod over females. Yes female teenagers blow hot and cold but in case you missed it, there are far fewer coercive-controlling females than males.

Here we sum up 'coercive control'. And how to sort it out.

Young females might need emotional support but not young men.

Pinkelephant66 · 29/12/2023 18:56

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 28/12/2023 21:45

I'd tell him to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a bellend. He's 19 not 10. Absolutely no excuse for behaving like that.

100% . He’s an adult he needs to stop behaving like a brat

Madamum18 · 29/12/2023 18:55

To you son...:

"I love you very much and always will. Whatever I am called by anyone else will never change that!. Whatever you choose to call your fathers wife will never change that! Equally my allowing SD to call me mum.will not change my love for you in anyway atall. I accept that you do not agree with me, that is your prerogative. But I think that being able to call me mum matters a great deal to SD and WILL change how she feels as part of our family. So I am going to let her call me mum which is MY prerogative. I hope YOU can accept that. I will not change my mind so there is no point discussing this again. I love you!"

DeeLusional · 29/12/2023 18:48

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 12:32

Hope I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like he is just naturally a controlling male type, that the battle of his stepsister calling OP "mum" is incidental, and what he is actually doing is honing his Controlling skills on OP. OP usually gives in to his demands but he is finding her more resistant to this one, and is determined to win. While he SEEMS to be lovely with his GF, - well, men like that usually do seem nice in public, don't they. Blowing hot and cold, also typical of controlling males. Again, really hope I'm wrong.

Blimey full character assassination.

And I'm not being petty here but plenty of teenage girls do that blowing hot and cold, tantruming thing too! It's because they're emotionally immature.

They need guidance, all of them.

Controlling males come from somewhere, and we hear over and over again that "And they have such a lovely family". Guilt-ridden mothers give in all the time, women need to get bolshie with adolescent males and show them that they can't ride roughshod over females. Yes female teenagers blow hot and cold but in case you missed it, there are far fewer coercive-controlling females than males.

loserssaywhat · 29/12/2023 18:24

She’s 9 and it sounds like you’re the only mum she’s known. You’re son is 19, in effect he’s an adult and can leave and go stand on his own 2 feet if he wishes.
i mean absolutely no disrespect here to you but he sounds like a spoilt, entitled arsehole. This little girl calling you mum does not affect him in any way. Call his bluff and tell him to pack up his shit and go! I wouldn’t allow myself to be blackmailed in such a way.

Mumof3confused · 29/12/2023 18:09

For all intended purposes you ARE her mum. Your son needs to understand that what she calls you has no bearing on him in any way, but it’s very very significant and important for her to have a sense of belonging to the only family she has ever known.

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 18:08

Your son is controlling and emotionally manipulates you. If my son tried to dictate my relationships and gave me the silent treatment if he didn’t get his own way then he’d soon be told he needed to find somewhere else to live and sharpish. If he thinks he’s adult enough to be throwing his weight around then he’s adult enough to wise up and find somewhere to live. He lives in YOUR house, not the other way around. Simple as that. You need to firm up OP and be quick about it. He is jealous and needs to grow up and start behaving like an adult instead of bullying a 9 year old. Hes behaving like this because you’re enabling him. It’s absolutely disgusting behaviour. That little girl is showing you more love than your own son is. He’s emotionally abusing you and trying to manipulate that little girl as well.

Missingpop · 29/12/2023 18:00

Your son is a 19 year old ADULT not a child tell him to grow up & stop acting like a spoilt little brat; she’s a little girl who’s been snubbed by her own mummy (for whatever reasons) & your showing her what a loving caring home is like & you love her clearly & this has made her feel confident & comfortable enough to want you to her mummy full time & forever; it’s incredulous that your 19yr old son can’t be a grown up & be happy he’s got such a wonderful mother; he should be proud not acting like a brat I’m afraid I’d give him a tough love chat & of that doesn’t work then let him go & be the big man in the world he’ll soon come back with a grovelling apology once he learns the grass isn’t as green when you have to do everything for yourself 24/7 on very little money x

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 29/12/2023 17:57

Step parent and wife to someone’s SS.

Firmly against Mum or Dad being used for anything other than biological unless biological parent is not on scene.

SS expressed interest in calling me mama and my name (he was 11). I explained he only has one mummy who loves him very much and I love him so very much too, but I didn’t do the work to bring him into the world and you only get one mummy and daddy, both of whom love him too and raise him, so that wouldn’t be right. I suspect him having siblings in mums house at the time had clouded what he called his step dad leading to this. We (SS, DH and I) talked about it together to make sure he understood and, sadly mum and her DH have since split which I think has kind of made things more understandable to him too.

My DH however does call his stepmother mum as his mother was absent in his upbringing due to her life choices therefore his stepmother raised him.

As such, in your circumstances, I would let her carry on with calling you mum and I would sit down with your son to try and truly understand the issue he has with this and perhaps explain it to your son as above?

godmum56 · 29/12/2023 17:52

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:50

He does not have any special needs, he is a healthy young man, lots of friends, has a girlfriend. I tried discussing with him, reassuring him that I will always be his mother and nothing will change. Me going from Firstname to mum isn't going to impact on anything. But he just gets mad, and says " She is William's child , are you not happy with the 3 you have?.... I am going to start calling (Father's wife) mum then"

It's so childish. I am lost.

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is there any kind of backstory about you and his dad splitting up or about his dad and his dad's partner?

Dibdob27 · 29/12/2023 17:52

Do what you feel is right for you. Have a day out just you and him and talk

Mumof3confused · 29/12/2023 17:52

Your son needs to get a grip.