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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

535 replies

Hjjo · 28/12/2023 14:31

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

OP posts:
ElaineMBenes · 01/01/2024 12:01

youngones1 · 01/01/2024 11:39

I don't think many mums would be happy to go to work with their husband looking after the children.

Why?
I'd have been delighted! I'm gutted that we missed out on shared parental leave by 6 months.

youngones1 · 01/01/2024 11:39

I don't think many mums would be happy to go to work with their husband looking after the children.

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/12/2023 21:44

@Jessiepaintyourpicture

I'm happy with the choice my husband and I made for our family. Hence I'm not sniping back at anyone who's sniped at me.

I’m glad you are happy with your choice and I am not sniping at anyone. I am asking genuinely what you expect single parents to do?

People are very quick to suggest that there’s an ethical obligation not to work if you can afford not to. But where does that leave people who have to work?

Because the implication of what you have said is that single parents are morally inferior and their kids will have worse outcomes than those who have a husband/provider.

As a single parent who has worked her arse off and made a huge amount of sacrifices for my kid and who has been there for her wherever I can, it really pisses me off to have people with the luxury of not having to work looking down on me. I’m as certain that I can be that I have done everything I can for my child and I won’t be judged by anyone.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 21:18

Parker231 · 31/12/2023 20:00

Am always amazed at how many women give up work and the men have the jobs. Equality still has a long way to go .

Show quote history

Yep. Definitely a long way to go.

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 21:12

And what about the women who can’t make these sacrifices because their kids wouldn’t eat? Are they bad parents?

I don't know if someone is a bad parent or not.

I'm happy with the choice my husband and I made for our family. Hence I'm not sniping back at anyone who's sniped at me.

Happy New Year.

Parker231 · 31/12/2023 20:00

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/12/2023 19:31

In an ideal world the choice wouldn’t only apply to the mother. Breadwinning and childcare would be equally shared between both parents as opposed to becoming a specialism where one parent becomes entirely dependent on the other’s goodwill for their financial security.

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Am always amazed at how many women give up work and the men have the jobs. Equality still has a long way to go .

CurlewKate · 31/12/2023 19:32

Damn. I meant parent. I must have some sort of misogynist auto correct going on in my head.....

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/12/2023 19:31

CurlewKate · 31/12/2023 19:25

In an ideal world, it would be possible to have a proper free choice about whether to be a SAH or a WOH mother.

In an ideal world the choice wouldn’t only apply to the mother. Breadwinning and childcare would be equally shared between both parents as opposed to becoming a specialism where one parent becomes entirely dependent on the other’s goodwill for their financial security.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 19:27

CurlewKate · 31/12/2023 19:25

In an ideal world, it would be possible to have a proper free choice about whether to be a SAH or a WOH mother.

In an ideal world, it wouldn't be a choice only aimed at mothers because fathers would be expected to consider it too.

CurlewKate · 31/12/2023 19:25

In an ideal world, it would be possible to have a proper free choice about whether to be a SAH or a WOH mother.

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/12/2023 19:20

Like I said, it's family money so he wasn't paying me. What an odd way of looking at a partnership

I don’t have “family money”. I’m a single parent. Any money coming into my household is earned by me.

Its biology isn’t it?

Is it? Does biology dictate that a man has to have a job he can’t give up? Walk me through that.

Also as a PP noted: why is it only women who are required to make these “sacrifices”? And what about the women who can’t make these sacrifices because their kids wouldn’t eat? Are they bad parents?

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 19:05

NIC credits are paid until the child is 12 but that only goes against the state pension - £12k a year in retirement?

I'm not suggesting being a SAHP til retirement! Plenty of time to top up the pension later as I'm doing now.

A partnership to me means that we both contribute in all areas, including financially

Well, my DH valued my contribution staying home with DC. And now he values my financial contribution. It's been a long marriage, plenty of time to enjoy the different stages. Including being empty nesters now (sort of).

Parker231 · 31/12/2023 18:58

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:53

Also the lack of pension contributions!

NIC are paid up to age 12 for youngest child.

If you can afford it, invest in a SIPP. If not, well, like I said - you choose whether to make some sacrifices.

NIC credits are paid until the child is 12 but that only goes against the state pension - £12k a year in retirement?

WithACatLikeTread · 31/12/2023 18:58

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:53

Also the lack of pension contributions!

NIC are paid up to age 12 for youngest child.

If you can afford it, invest in a SIPP. If not, well, like I said - you choose whether to make some sacrifices.

Easy to say if you are sat at home living off your husband's money. 😉

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 18:55

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:50

Yes this is usually the case. Funny that the dad is never faced with this dilemma

It's biology, isn't it?

Thats all dandy if you are married to someone who does the financial heavy lifting who can pay you to stop work

Like I said, it's family money so he wasn't paying me. What an odd way of looking at a partnership.

And we all make choices including whether we want to make sacrifices for our children when they're very young.

A partnership to me means that we both contribute in all areas, including financially.

Why are only women expected to make 'sacrifices'?

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:53

Also the lack of pension contributions!

NIC are paid up to age 12 for youngest child.

If you can afford it, invest in a SIPP. If not, well, like I said - you choose whether to make some sacrifices.

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:50

Yes this is usually the case. Funny that the dad is never faced with this dilemma

It's biology, isn't it?

Thats all dandy if you are married to someone who does the financial heavy lifting who can pay you to stop work

Like I said, it's family money so he wasn't paying me. What an odd way of looking at a partnership.

And we all make choices including whether we want to make sacrifices for our children when they're very young.

WithACatLikeTread · 31/12/2023 18:49

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:39

What happens to the careers of the parents if they take years out to stay at home.

Not everyone has a career. Most people have jobs. Either way, they'll be there when you're ready to go back. They really will.

In your case why didn’t you return to work and your DH stay at home?

DH earns more than me. I would have found it harder to leave DC.

If you have too much of an employment break it is much harder to get back into to. You don't just stroll back in. Also the lack of pension contributions!

Parker231 · 31/12/2023 18:48

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:44

It might be best for you but it wouldn't be best for me

I was answering the OP's initial question.

I think it's best for the child too.

Why does it always seem to be the mother who becomes the SAHP?

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 18:46

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:44

It might be best for you but it wouldn't be best for me

I was answering the OP's initial question.

I think it's best for the child too.

Like I said, it's only best for the child if a parent is happy to be a SAHP.

How is it best for the child if the SAHP is bored, miserable and unfulfilled?

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/12/2023 18:45

@Jessiepaintyourpicture

Not everyone has a career. Most people have jobs. Either way, they'll be there when you're ready to go back. They really will.

Thats all dandy if you are married to someone who does the financial heavy lifting who can pay you to stop work. You do realise, though, many of us don’t have this choice? Job or career is immaterial. I have to work.

DH earns more than me. I would have found it harder to leave DC

Yes this is usually the case. Funny that the dad is never faced with this dilemma.

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:44

It might be best for you but it wouldn't be best for me

I was answering the OP's initial question.

I think it's best for the child too.

ElaineMBenes · 31/12/2023 18:44

Not everyone has a career. Most people have jobs. Either way, they'll be there when you're ready to go back. They really will.

No they won't. There are many jobs where a significant career break would be detrimental.

And I say this as someone who researches this for a living!

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 18:43

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:39

What happens to the careers of the parents if they take years out to stay at home.

Not everyone has a career. Most people have jobs. Either way, they'll be there when you're ready to go back. They really will.

In your case why didn’t you return to work and your DH stay at home?

DH earns more than me. I would have found it harder to leave DC.

My career would still be there but I wouldn't be at the same level, I'd lose my flexibility and it would be harder for me to get back to the same level as I was before because I work in a male dominated role and funnily enough, none of those men are lining up to sacrifice their career progession.

I'm also the higher earner.

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:42

Strangely few fathers appear to get on board with the career sacrifices and economic dependence involved in this

Many fathers, like mothers, have jobs rather than careers.

Being a family involves economic dependence for all members. Its always been our money. I wouldn't have married someone who wasn't on the same page.