To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

The fems on here seem to condemn any mum having the audacity to choose to be a SAHM, it's ludicrous. Being a SAHM is a perfectly valid and reasonable choice.

Feminism isn’t about ‘validating’ anyone’s choices. You seem to have misunderstood its purpose, while benefiting from its hard-fought victories.

Yes, well put, that's my experience, a lot of feminists talk about choice but don't see being a SAHM as a valued choice more conforming to some sexist stereotype.

It is a valid choice, but a choice that is influenced by societal expectations. All choices are!

And you're being particularly insulting to working mothers so you can hardly take the high ground......

Yes, well put, that's my experience, a lot of feminists talk about choice but don't see being a SAHM as a valued choice more conforming to some sexist stereotype.

Why should it be applauded? Which ‘pendulum’ are you referring to?

@HappyBusman what a childish response. The pendulum has swung too far, if mums want to stay at home to look after their children it should be applauded not criticised.

@ElaineMBenes maybe but the fems are knocking the choice to be a SAHM.

What a remarkably silly, short-sighted post.

Are you not a ‘feminist’? Whose activism do you think got you the right to work for equal pay in the first place???

FEMINISTS???!!!?? WHERE???? GET THE SPRAY, SOMEONE, QUICK!!!!!!!!!

@youngones1 do you not believe women should have a choice?
As a proud feminist I believe women should have a choice and all of those choices are equally valid.

Feminists are running riot on this thread.

Being a SAHM does not set a bad example to your children.

The majority of people endure rather than enjoy work.

The best carers for children are their actual parents not random nannies.

Most children miss their parents when they go to work.

Parents need to start putting their children's interests first, not their own. Stop obsessing about your financial interests/ independence over your children's best interests.

As for being somehow disadvantaged and beholden to your DH, don't worry, the UK has some of the most mum friendly family courts in the world, just threaten to leave and your DH will be very generous.

So too all the SAHMs out there, enjoy it, don't let the feminists make you feel guilty, lots of mums would love to do this given the choice, we only go to work because we need the money.

I fundamentally don’t believe that women who work make poorer mothers

Nor do I. So that's something we agree on.

I don’t think households split on “traditional” task lines set a particularly great example to children of either sex

All my DC cared was that I was there to drop them at school at 8.45am rather than nursery or breakfast club at 7.30. And pick them up at 3pm rather than 6pm. And not have to send them to holiday clubs.

Now they see their mum working and earning and enjoying her job.. Just as I would've done if DH had legged it. I'm not daft.

They've had a good female role model as I'm sure your DC has.

I agree with all of your points.

Well said.

@Jessiepaintyourpicture

Why do you care what randoms think? I've been accused on this thread of living off my husband but I don't care.

I guess I care for two different groups of reasons: there’s the selfish reason that I don’t like being judged by other people who know nothing about me and who are in a position to make a choice which can’t make. Maybe that’s petty but it’s how I feel.

But less selfish reasons are what you would probably call “pseudo feminist” reasons and for me there’s nothing pseudo about it. I am a feminist and I am proud to be one.

• I fundamentally don’t believe that women who work make poorer mothers and I feel an obligation to defend the millions of women who work, whether through choice or circumstance. It makes all of our lives harder, both men and women, if we perpetuate the idea of biological determinism in relationships and make it harder for mothers to work than it needs to be.
• I think it’s hugely important for women to have some financial autonomy in their families. Plenty of women say it’s “family money” so it doesn’t matter who earns it but I’m afraid I don’t buy this. Marriage gives you some protection and a good husband whom you trust should not abuse your role as a domestic partner and mother but you are still, with all those protections, vulnerable if you don’t have any recourse to funds other than through your husband or the divorce process. I don’t quite accept that marriage is entirely sufficient
• I don’t think households split on “traditional” task lines set a particularly great example to children of either sex
• i love work and it’s hugely enriched my life, financially, emotionally and intellectually. I hate the idea that women are told that a job or career is a waste of their time and I hate the idea that young women will take this conclusion away from these conversations

I totally accept that for some women at some stages of their life, being at home with the children is the best outcome. Live and let live.

But for the reasons set out here I am not going to ignore it when people tell me my way of life is the poorer approach.

Yet my DH really struggled with going back to work after 4 weeks of paternity leave and I was more than ready to go back to work after 12 weeks of maternity leave.

People are just different, including men and women.

And I mentioned "biology" as I think that's what makes it easier for a dad to be away from their children. DH is a fantastic, hands-on dad involved in every aspect of DC's upbringing and care but he was fine leaving them to go to work when they were little. I wasn't, so I didn't.

This irritates me at a personal level because there's absolutely no choice in it for me and it annoys me to be painted by randoms on the internet as a poor mother because I support my child

Why do you care what randoms think? I've been accused on this thread of living off my husband but I don't care.

The OP asked why we chose to be SAHMs, some of us have answered and been criticised for it by pseudo feminists. I still don't care.

You and your child know if you're a good mum just as DC and I know I've been a good mum.

No one else matters.

@CurlewKate

But I still find that day in day out I see casual throwaway remarks designed to disparage me for "farming out" my kid to childcare and other such lazy insults. And until these stop I will keep pushing back against them and calling out people who come up with half-baked ideas about "biology".

And likewise I gave up work (outside the home!) in 1990 and became a SAHM. We had our first DS in 1991 and then another 3 children and during the 1990's and 2000's I was constantly asked, mainly by other mothers (although also by some men and a lot of relations of both sexes), when or if I was 'planning' to go back to work and how I should do part time courses to keep my mind "active" (because of course looking after children full time - doesn't🙁!!). I even remember when our last child was born in 2000 a mother saying to me with a smile, "well he'll keep you tied to the home for another 5 years!" as if I'd planned it so it could stay at home! So as @Thepeopleversuswork says a "woman's place is in the wrong!"

Yet some people are convinced it has nothing to do with sexism. 🙄

DH and I work for the same company too, I earn more than him and was still asked if I was going back to work. No one told DH it 'made sense' for him to be a SAHP because he doesn't earn as much as me.

I wasn't even considered for a work trip when DS was younger because they didn't think I'd want to leave my baby. I asked if all of the men had been given the same consideration and ultimately received an apology.

I can't even be out at the weekend or whatever without DS and bump into someone I know without them asking where he is. DH says no one ever asks him when he's out alone.

I agree @CurlewKate

There are plenty of lazy and horrible stereotypes about SAHMs to go around.

It's partly a woman's place being in the wrong but amped up by the fact that its rarely an objective discussion. Everyone brings to bear not just their perspective on what's "right" but their emotional baggage and their feelings of being judged by other parents. And very often their family's perspective on it. It's very difficult to have a dispassionate view.

If I try to take away my emotions from the debate (which isn't easy because I've spent nearly 13 years being on the receiving end of ill thought out and often spiteful comments about "farming out" my kid and I have become a bit defensive): I think the only things I would die in a ditch over are the following

• Are the children well cared for and happy? high-quality childcare with proper safeguarding, stimulation, their emotional needs met?
• Is the mother in question enjoying her life: does she feel she is missing out (either by being at work or not being at work? Is she stimulated and valued by her family?
• Does the mother (whether she's at work or at home) get proper domestic support from her spouse or partner? If the spouse claims he's "too busy" to help her because of his big important man job, then it's not working for either of them. I know some women claim to be fine with that division of labour but I think a very traditional split is rarely a great example for children and tends to devalue the woman's role within the household.
• Is the mother afforded sufficient financial protection in her role, either as a SAHM or a WOHM which means that should her husband run off with someone else or should she lose her job she won't be left with no means of support? In practice this usually means either having to have some income or being married. Often both.

If those criteria are mainly met then I couldn't give a tinker's cuss what mothers do with their work or childcare arrangements.

But I still find that day in day out I see casual throwaway remarks designed to disparage me for "farming out" my kid to childcare and other such lazy insults. And until these stop I will keep pushing back against them and calling out people who come up with half-baked ideas about "biology".

And SAHMs who feel equally insulted and belittled by WOHMs should and probably will do the same. One day we might get there.

Unfortunately the criticism was levelled at me and not DH for continuing to work.

Me and DH worked at the same organisation when we had DS. I lost count how many people told me how awful it was that I'd had to return full time.
Nobody ever said that to DH.

Just like when I work away people ask me who is babysitting DS. Nobody ever asks DH that question.

I took DH and DS with me on a work trip recently and everyone assumed it was DH working not me 🙄

Financially neither DH or I need to work, let alone in full time careers. However I trained as an accountant and DH, a doctor and we continued with our careers after DT’s were born.
Unfortunately the criticism was levelled at me and not DH for continuing to work.

@Thepeopleversuswork "The thing is when you're in my position and there's this constant drip-drip of low level commentary about how optimal it is for mothers not to work it makes you feel isolated, belittled and judged."

I agree. The problem is it works the other way too. I got the constant drip of what a bad example I was, particularly to my daughter, how hard it was on my dp carrying the financial burden, wasn't I bored, how could I bear having such a little life, what an anti feminist I was...... I suppose it boils down to the old cliche "A woman's place is in the wrong"!

It was torture at first, the neverending-ness of it all. But 10 years down the line and I love being here for the children, not having to stress about childcare cover, or leaving them on their own whilst I work on the computer from home (I was at home admin for a couple large nurseries for a time, shit pay, long hours, and no childcare cover meant everyone was strssed and fed up). I never had a career I wanted, otherwise I wouldn't have gone on to have three kids. The situation works well for us.