To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

Another thing that influenced my decision to work was my upbringing.
I grew up in poverty, on one of the most deprived council estates in the uk.

I wanted a different life for my child. Financial independence and the ability to provide my child with the opportunities my parents couldn't give me have always been a driving force.
So to suggest I don't have my child's best interests at heart is insulting.

@HappyBusman I think you will need to start a new thread before you go down that rabbit hole.

@ElaineMBenes I can see all the benefits for yourself going back to work but what about the benefits for your child, you can always go back to work when they go to school.

It’s a career - opportunity for gaining qualifications, further experience and promotion.

@SouthLondonMum22 sometimes in life you need to step up.

And where do these nappy-clad babies’ father stand on this? Do they have no interest at all in what’s best for their child, with the whole ‘not even contemplating being a SAHP’ thing?

I do know how a chat forum works. But this thread is up to 19 pages so far, much of it with people slinging insults at each other as usual. People on Mumsnet seem to be unable to debate anything like this without it getting nasty.

Women need to aim for careers not just jobs so that they have more opportunities and choices

Who would staff nurseries if there weren't plenty of women to fill those jobs?

I'm not saying it is or is not in a child's best interests - I'm saying that I assume everyone tries to do what they think is best for their own situations. That's a decision that every parent has to make based on a whole range of things, including their own wellbeing as well as that of their child. Everyone feels differently and has different circumstances - so long as they are not neglecting or ill treating their children and are doing what they think is the best for them, I don't think anyone has the right to tell someone that they are doing the wrong thing. Why do threads like this always have to descend into arguments about who is right and who is wrong?

Can't people just accept that people have very different views?

That's not quite how a chat forum works, is it?

I agree and it is fine for a Fem to go to work when their child is still in nappies because they find childcare boring not because they need the money. But please don't say it is still in the child's best interest, that is BS.

'A fem' 🙄 are you this rude in real life?

It is in the best interest of a child to have happy parents.
The decision to go back to work is rarely so binary.

Personally I went back to work for a range of reasons:

• I enjoy my job and have invested a significant amount of time and money getting specific qualifications
• I have a clear career plan and a significant break would impact those plans.
• although we could manage on one salary it would mean we couldn't afford to live where we currently live and we feel this is somewhere that offers DS a particular lifestyle and opportunities. Therefore it is in his best interests that we both work.

Those are my reasons and other people make different choices.... and that's okay.

If the parent is unhappy at home, it is the whole family’s best interest to use nursery whilst the parent returns to work
It doesn’t just relate to the mother but the father. Has nothing to do with whether the mother is a feminist or not.

How would it be in a child's best interest to be at home with a SAHM who is bored, miserable and unfulfilled?

Everyone who has a choice is going to largely do what they prefer, including those who are SAHM's. If it makes working mums selfish, it makes SAHM's selfish too.

I agree and it is fine for a Fem to go to work when their child is still in nappies because they find childcare boring not because they need the money. But please don't say it is still in the child's best interest, that is BS.

But surely everyone tries (or should try) to do what they believe is best for their own circumstances, taking into account how they want their child to be taken care of, their money situation, and any career aspirations they have? Unless someone is neglecting their child, I don't understand why threads like this always descend into people insisting that other people's choices are wrong and theirs are right. There's also no need to link parents' choices to feminism when it really doesn't matter whether someone does or does not hold feminist views. I did what I believed was the best thing for my child, taking my circumstances and preferences into account, and don't expect to be judged for that any more than I judge someone who has a very different view/situation from me.

and SAHM's never become SAHM's because of their own interests? Because they want to be with their children?

That's absolutely fine but no different to working mums who also want to work.

You seem to just be sitting on the fence.

I wasn't aware we needed to pick a side?

It's not sitting on the fence, it's acknowledging that both are valid options.

People make choices that suit them and their family.

You seem to just be sitting on the fence.

Good summary so long as it’s not women who are the default SAHP when the parents decide to have one parent at home. Women need to aim for careers not just jobs so that they have more opportunities and choices.

Good grief, this thread is going round in circles. Can't people just accept that people have very different views?

Some women could afford to stay at home with their children but choose not to because they want to work.
Some women could not afford to stay at home with their children, but might prefer to stay at home if they could.
Some women can afford to stay home and maintain their current lifestyle and choose to do so.
Some women stay at home with their children and manage with a greatly reduced income and no luxuries.

Some women think that their children benefit from being in nurseries, and that they benefit from having parents who feel fulfilled by their work.

Some women think that their children benefit more from being cared for by a stay at home parent (usually the mother).
Some women would describe themselves as feminists, whilst others would not.

Does that cover everything? None of these views are right or wrong, they are different, and different circumstances suit different people.

Neither DH or I need to work but chose to as we enjoy our professions and have studied hard to progress. Our DT’s went to full time nursery from six months old (they loved it) and we used breakfast, after school and holiday clubs (they also loved these and complained if we collected them early).
Our decisions were in the best interests of our DT’s and ourselves. DT’s are now in their early 20’s so have the advantage of seeing how well it worked out for us.
All I want for DT’s is to have a choice in the future when they have their own families. In too many cases the women is the lower earner and the default SAHP - this shouldn’t be happening - why aren’t women getting the higher education and better paid jobs?

@youngones1

You seem to be struggling to understand the points I have made.

I don’t think so…. You have said women who work are putting their interests ahead of their kids and are failing their children. It’s a pretty simple argument. Not much complexity there?

Stop misquoting me, I am just defending the right for mums to SAH without shame or criticism from the fems on here.

But you have repeatedly called women who chose to work selfish.

I also defend the right for any parent to stay at home if that's what they want to do.
I'm an advocate for choice.

You seem to be struggling to understand the points I have made.

@youngones1

I'm sorry you are struggling with this due to your personal circumstances, you overwhelmingly resentful that some women have the opportunity to look after their children themselves. I am happy for women who choose to work but we shouldn't criticise those who don't.

I'm not struggling with anything, I'm very happy that I work and I would not want to stay at home FT even if I could. I love working. I'm simply saying I won't have people criticise me for supporting my own kid.

And if you read my posts you'll see I have said consistently that I am very happy for women who want to remain at home to do so.

Literally no one has said all women should go back to work.

You are distorting the complex points people have made and reducing them to two dimensional stereotypes about feminists and their agendas. The argument is much more nuanced than you seem capable of recognising.

You are very welcome to your views on bringing up children but you can't have it both ways: you can't on the one hand tell working women they are failing their kids and then demand that no one has any comment to make about the potential downsides of remaining at home.