To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

@Hjjo honestly don't beat yourself up about this although I understand because I did. The narrative is often every mum wants to be at home so if that's enough for you you can tell like there's something wrong with you. After 14 months I went back for 14 hours and now they are all in school I'm 24 hours which is a great balance for me.

I did it for 2 years after my third DC. By then, the eldest was 8 and it was full on with school , hobbies and play dates etc and the days whipped by. Once the youngest was in nursery school I had time to recharge for a bit then took up training for my second career.

Feeling guilty because of what you think you should be doing is such a waste of energy and not going to help you get what you personally want out of life. Fight hard in your mind to accept that it really is different strokes for different folks..establish what makes you feel at your best then create that set up. Your child will always be the centre of your universe (they have a way of making sure they are!) but it's completely ok that you crave and need additional things to keep you happy and balanced.

To be honest, when tiny, they are more than happy at a good nursery with loads of stimulation and rest time. You don't stop being their parent just because someone else does the drudgery. Your role is to set the boundaries, the ground rules, the positivity, the joy, the fun. That is what creates attachment and will lead to a far easier older childhood. Actually, older children need their parents to be there far more than you think and parenting pre teen and teen is far harder (and mine were comparatively easy). I'd have gone mad if I had stayed at home when they were younger. I found it rather lonely.

Nothing wrong with how you feel. Both I and DH worked full time (and I being long shifts/hours), and also looked after kids full time by working opposite shifts/days. We did it to get ahead financially in those early days as childcare fee’s would have been the same as mortgage! Honestly, I loved my kids dearly but was happy to run out the door (mostly tagging DH on way in), and get the hell out of there. If I had of been doomed to that as my only life I probably would have ended up swinging from a tree.

I knew I'd want to be a sahm when we decided to have dc. I like the chilled out days once they're in school, and helps mitigate the arduous early years and busy school hols. I've never enjoyed working and prefer being able to choose how to structure my days and who I spend time with. I'm not a sociable person so I don't feel isolated, and I'm attending classes or groups every day so there is still social contact (but not having to actually interact too much). Having the time to myself once they're in preschool meant I didn't mind losing my hobbies and free time in the baby years, because I knew I'd have that time back in the preschool/school years. I think being a sahm for just a few years when they're with you 24/7 and then returning to work would mean I'd never get any free time and wouldn't suit me at all.

With a toddler I've always liked getting out of the house as much as possible and doing lots of external activities. It does get a bit dull if you spend days at home. Also stops you feeling like you have to do housework all day. I find that if you're out and about then the mundane things like nappy changes are just a tiny part of the day and you focus more on playing and interacting.

I gave up work to home educate one of my children. Because school wasn't meeting his SEN. DLA made it possible.
It's been enjoyable but I'm a bit bored of it now. I'm hoping to get him into school for secondary and get a job.

I went back to work four days a week when DS was nine months, and full time when he was 15 months. He does four days in nursery and has a day with my mum.

I thought I'd enjoy maternity leave more than I did, if I’m honest. Bits of it were lovely and DS is the best thing ever, but I found the relentless drudgery soul-destroying. I am a much better mum when I have regular time away from my child to be an adult and think about things other than naps and meals!

Now he's 19 months he's much easier company but it's still hard work. I've got no desire to be a SAHM - I respect people who find it fulfilling because part of me wishes I felt the same, but I have to be honest and acknowledge I'm not cut out for it.

Op, I felt guilty for saying I loved being at home with my kids and being content with the 'drudgery' of housework. Honestly I still would be if they weren't all at school. I've never been so happy as when I've been 'running the home '. Felt like it let down my feminist ancestors!
However they fought for our freedom to choose and we have that luxury (most of us) to choose.

I think happy mum= happy child and if for you that means working then do.

Some of these comments are bordering on hysterical. "The state looking after your children" 😂😂.

Parenting is not one size fits all. If you want to go to work, that is OK. If you want to be a stay at home mum that is OK. What isn't OK, is feeling guilty for wanting a break or time to yourself. These things are a basic human need and what stops most of us from losing the plot and becoming mentally unwell. It's essential to parent well that we look after our own needs too whether that means using childcare or going back to work.

You also don't need to try and enjoy being a stay at home just because society tells you, you should or there's this expectation that you should enjoy every minute of parenting. I'm a big fan of the alloparentint concept. Throughout time, mums have gone out to work and childen have been brought up by multiple caregivers. The concept of a SAHM is a fairly recent one. It's completely individual what works best for each family and one way is not better than the other but what I'm trying to say feel no guilt or shame if you don't want to be a sahm or don't enjoy it.

I did recently take time out of work and the only way I coped with being at home with a toddler was 2 days of him being in nursery. If you don't want to return to work could even a day at a childminder be an option?

I loved being a sahm when mine were younger but I kept myself and them busy with activities, so didn't get bored

I was a SAHM until DS was 3 and loved it. My friend had a DS the year before and everyone expected her to be a SAHM as she had tried for years to conceive and her husband earns buckets. However, she went back to work after six months because she needed it too much.

Don’t feel bad op. We live in a culture where being a sahm is truly awful - it’s not like generations before us where we would have been linked into familial and social networks. It’s lonely, mind numbing drudgery now, coupled with social shaming and the nagging of worry of the long term financial impacts.

Previous generations weren’t as child focused either. My mil tells of putting baby dh out on the front door step in his pram while she got on with her jobs. Once dc we’re old enough to toddle they were pretty much in the care of the neighbourhood kids.

It’s no reflection on your character or worth as a person or a mother that you’re struggling. We’re not a species designed for isolation and drudgery.

I did like being a SAHM but it was hard when they were small, it is quite relentless and a lot of it is boring. I basically did whatever I could to make it not boring! So I had a bit of a routine which involved other people as I liked the grown up conversation. So we went swimming once a week and then to the park with friends for lunch afterwards, we went to playgroup (which was basicallly mums group), we joined a “music” class and went for tea and toast afterwards, and I used to take them to a baby soft play place, again, with friends. We also used to go to each others houses. It helped that I was in Australia so we spent a lot of time outside, in the park and on the beach.
We’d do one of these activities in the morning, then come home for lunch and nap and then the afternoon I would try to plan home activities like playing in the garden, or we’d go on a little “walk” where they could pick up and examine every stone and stick, we might play with washing up bubbles outside, that kind of thing.

Which is completely understandable. I went back to work by choice when DS was 12 weeks because I was bored out of my mind but also because I enjoy my career and didn't want to take too much time out.

I'm expecting twins and plan to do the same again this time.

Do what is right for you.

I really want (and wanted) to be a sahm. Mainly to make my life easier. Both DC have SN, one severely disabled. I would have some breathing space when they are in school, the school hols would be less stressful (I am allowed to WFH though but it is still hard), I wouldn't sit on my laptop at night to work the hours back from the at least fortnightly hospital appointments. In short, I want to be sahm to have an easier life. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to live on 76.75 per week (carers allowance).

Be the best parent you can be and if being happy means you go back to work then that’s what you need to do.
In answer to your question, for me it meant being a sahm that would make me happy. Just always knew it was for me and I don’t regret it. We had less but were very happy. Happy parents help raise happy children.

Because I didn’t want to have a baby and put them in childcare for 9 hours a day. It was always my plan to be at home with my baby, building up to a bit of pre-school when they were 2ish and then going from there.

My mum went back to work when I was 8 weeks old and I was always in some kind of breakfast club or holiday club or childcare- when I was thinking about having a family, that weighted heavily on my mind.

That aside though- being a SAHM for me would be extremely tough if we were struggling financially, I had no hobbies of my own and felt like the house skivvy.

The months you are describing were extremely tough and my paid job was much easier and appealing- but I always had a night out with ‘the girls’ planned, an hour each day for exercise and a very present and equal husband (despite me being a SAHM- shock horror!!!!) to make things more bearable. I also outsourced cleaning and ironing because fuck that for a game of soldiers.

unfortunately ^^ the above isn’t everyone’s experience and a lot of women who SAH have useless husbands and are usually at home because they are priced out of childcare.

I love being a SAHM but if you are default parent once your DH gets in and have no time for yourself and your goals- it can very easily be shite and alienating.

this is what I feel so conflicted about. I am just not cut out for it, I feel so horrendously bored and know that is so selfish.

I say this gently, and speaking to myself as well as you - but think about how bonkers it sounds to label your feeling bored as ‘selfish’? It’s literally how you feel. Is this what you want to teach your son, that listening to your feelings about what you like and dislike, is selfish? I totally get that you want to be able to say you enjoy it, but you don’t. That’s not the reality. If you accept the reality, without bashing yourself, then you’re free with a calm mind to decide what you want to do. Guilt isn’t the best frame of mind to inform good decisions. Perhaps you will make adjustments to make it more bearable, make more mum park etc. Or you may decide it’s not for you and work part time. But try to do away with all the shaming yourself for perfectly normal feelings.

I became a SAHM when my children were 7 and 4, for my youngest’s preschool year. Prior to that I worked 3 days. Decided because youngest was struggling with various things and we felt needed me more, while I was struggling to do it all with work, kids and home. I was so excited to ‘retire’ and pretty upset to find out it was so fucking hard! My kids aren’t easy kids. And when I worked I had a cleaner but we gave that up and I find cleaning so dull. I’m still at home now youngest is at school and unsurprisingly, enjoying it more now! So I really understand the pressure on yourself to enjoy it - took me a year to really admit to myself and accept that I didn’t.

The state taking over? Are you mixing up nurseries with state-run children's homes? What does this even mean?

Your comments are very dramatic. Using a full time nursery doesn’t mean someone else brings up your DC’s, the state doesn’t take over (not sure I understand that comment).
Whether I worked or not I wasn’t going to cook from scratch - not interested or enjoy cooking.
Our DC’s are still taught our values and traditions - why wouldn’t they? Going to nursery doesn’t impact the strong bond and attachment we have with them and it helps avoid any separation issues as they understand that you always come back for them.

I felt exactly the same with both DC and skipped back to work. I feel no guilt about it. I feel very strongly about being able to be financially independent (I am married though). I worked hard to get my career where it is and my kids don't miss out at all. If anything it's made them a lot more independent and willing to get 'stuck in' to anything like holiday camps etc.

I really missed the intellectual stimulation during my maternity leave and I was really enjoying returning to work. I am SAHM now for various reasons and I actually enjoy it more now as I had a chance to work between. But it's also easier 2nd time around as DD is older.

Go back to work - a chance to have quiet time in a coffee shop at lunchtime, adult conversations and go to the toilet without DC wanting to follow you!

I never wanted to stay at home, I wanted financial independence, in case I needed it if my marriage failed(it did). I wanted to be a positive role model for my children especially my daughter, and I wanted my children to benefit from spending time with other children and learning to socialise.