To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

I think it’s sad that babies are put into childcare and brought up by the system.

Children of working parents are not being brought up by the system. They're in childcare not foster care.
They are being brought up by their parents and the choice to use childcare is just one of many decisions made by parents.

I'm not career driven

But some women are and that's okay. Just like it's okay that you aren't. That means that they might choose to structure their lives differently.
Neither is wrong, just different.

I think I would be on anti depressants if I was an SAHM. I only work part time but at home all day would not be good for me.

My DM was a sahm and I was for several years. Loved it. No regrets and would do the same over again.

I had a SAHM growing up and it's one of the reasons why I'm not a SAHM myself

I think that’s true for many people, depends on your own experience.

I had a SAHM and so did pretty much everyone in my era. The rare mums that did work either had grandparents that looked after kids while they were at work, or if school aged would pay a SAHM next door or close to pick kids up from school with their kids, take home and they’d collect after work. Formal care simply did not exist when I was young.

I really admired the kids whose mums worked and came to pick them up looking very important and smartly dressed 🤣. As opposed to my very lovely mum who spent much of her time behind the ironing board. There was a lady in our street who used to take in/get paid ironing for working mums, and I always thought surely you’d want to work and pay someone to do your ironing rather than doing it yourself🤣. I recall saying this to my mum to be met with ‘ironing’s alright’, and I thought, no, it bloody isn’t. It’s not just ironing obviously, this is just one representative example.

My first boyfriend in high school had an aunt who didn’t have kids (or husband), went to uni and had a career job. I found her fascinating and, while I loved mum dearly, I just felt so sorry for her that she didn’t have this life. Even though it was what she wanted I, as a child, honestly felt she had third best (second best being non-uni educated mums who worked as receptionists for example) and had zero idea HOW she could be happy with this. So, it was pretty clear I was never going to be ‘just’ a SAHM.

Obviously I had a career, and while our kids were never in care, apart from preschool age for the time required for peer socialisation and school readiness, and with this being due to choice on our end to save high care costs to try, there were times when the kids came second to my work. DH and I tag teamed care by working opposite shifts/days (very rarely ever at home together and both awake with the kids), and there were times when they were in my care and I would have a call about an emergency I could help with and the kids were plonked in front of tv and told not to move, or dinner stopped half way through cooking, chuck them a banana and restart afterwards and they ate 2hrs late. At these particular times the very clear message was that they were second to my job. As adults I have asked them about how they felt about this and all of them have fed back that they believe it was actually a healthy situation, and they believe it benefited them as opposed to otherwise. Also, none of them can imagine being SAHP’s or having husbands/wives that are SAHP’s if/when they have kids so will be interesting to see what occurs there, albeit not my circus 😁.

I had a SAHM growing up and it's one of the reasons why I'm not a SAHM myself.

I did what most mums do on maternity leave, still found it boring so I did something about it and went back to work. It was absolutely the right decision for everyone.

I also think it's easy for you to say as you aren't career driven. I am and that didn't magically change when I become a parent. I love my career and I love my child, why can't I have both? Fathers usually do.

Nursery look after him during working hours but they don't raise him. Do teachers raise children too? Or just nursery workers/childminders etc?

Don’t need to believe - evidence is there in our family. Happy healthy and successful DT’s - our greatest achievements.

I chose to be a SAHM because even at the best childcare setting in the world, your baby is one of many and isn’t getting the same care as from their mother. I’ve worked in enough childcare settings to vow I’d never leave my kids at one (even the good ones!)

the positives of a child care setting can be replicated at home or at groups

despite the agenda being pushed on us, I believe that apart from the exception, mothers know and love their child better than anybody else in this world including the fathers. (I get there are some exceptions) and are better looked after by their mothers than anybody else

i value time with my child more so than earning money or helping someone else make money

time is precious. Kids only need you for a short amount of time and you then have years left to work.

im not career driven

being a mum brings me more joy than anything else in this world. I believe motherhood is what you make of it - you don’t need lots of money to make it fun and adventurous. I kinda think if people find it boring then it’s your own responsibility and you should try and do more.

I think it’s sad that babies are put into childcare and brought up by the system. My nephew spends more time awake at nursery than he does at home. I understand some people don’t have a choice but to work but I find that heartbreaking to know our childcare and education system are raising children nowadays, not parents.

children will never wish their parents worked more, but they’ll always wish mum and dad were at home more

@Parker231 believe whatever makes you happy.

I worked when I didn’t need to but have the advantage of DT’s now being in their early 20’s and have the evidence that our decision worked perfectly for our family - DT’s, DH and I.

@Thepeopleversuswork I stand by my earlier comments.

That's fine: I'm happy to let it go. I just ask that you give a bit of thought before you accuse people you know nothing about of being bad parents.

But on the central point we have fundamental differences on values and we are not going to agree so let's just draw a line and respectfully agree to disagree.

@SouthLondonMum22 @Thepeopleversuswork I had suggested we let it go as we disagree.

So you can post whatever you want but you can police pp's posting if you feel she has had 'another go'.

Right then.

@SouthLondonMum22 because she/he had another go.

Quite. @youngones1 I’m happy to discuss this with you but you don’t get to dish it out and then tell me to leave off.

But then so can pp so why tell her to 'let it go'?

@Thepeopleversuswork I'll say whatever I want.

Parents bring up their children regardless of whether they go to a nursery. Children do not need 24/7 parenting to be happy and healthy - I have evidence of this with my DT’s.

This is my view too.

The argument is wrong because of the assumption that mothers and fathers all each fit neatly into a box and on the whole, are similar with similar wants, strengths and personalities.

People are different, including when they become mothers and fathers.

The argument is also wrong because it implies that raising children is only possible if you are with them 24/7. It's about much more than that, including providing for them financially.

I was bored out of my mind on maternity leave, I didn't feel fulfilled and I enjoyed motherhood much more when I was able to balance it with working full time.

If someone else feels happy and fulfilled at home as a SAHM, that's great. Good for them but the issue is when people try to apply that to all mothers.

It absolutely wouldn't be beneficial for my child to have a bored, miserable, unfulfilled SAHM and that's what he would've had with me so I went back to work.

Fair enough. You’re entitled to your opinion. Just please don’t tell working parents they are failing their kids.

Yes agree, let is go now.😀

@Thepeopleversuswork we will never agree on this so let it go.

My view, @Jessiepaintyourpicture view, @youngones1 view is that (and I don't want to misquote anyone here!) bringing up a child is the most important role any of us have and that a mother, biologically, is better placed to do that than a father. I get others have to work etc. I get mothers want careers etc but that doesn't mean the basic argument of SAHM mothers is wrong.

1) Children are best cared for by parents not paid professionals. And yes totally accept that a dad with good parenting instincts is better than a paid professional and grandparents too. Mine were great with our children.
2) Mothers (in the main) fulfil that duty extremely well and better than fathers (in the main).
3) Children need love and attention. They will get this from parents and perhaps the wider family.

Yes, children are not in nursery 24/7 but in their formative years they need 24/7 parenting.

As @sunray5 says this argument is going around and around in circles so it is probably best to agree to disagree on this one!

As I’ve posted DH and I have never needed to work - why shouldn’t we if we want to. We both have sought after skills (DH - doctor and I’m an accountant). Due to our qualifications we have a choice - one of the greatest gifts we’ve given our DT’s is their education and the opportunities now available to them. They will have a choice as to whether to continue to work or be a SAHP.