To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

When I went on may leave with my first, I had every intention of being a SAHM. Many of my friends were, and seemed happy and fulfilled. Both of us had mums that never worked.

But I found it so boring and relentless that I changed my mind and went back to work, albeit 2 days a week. Best decision I ever made. We were extremely lucky in that we had grandparents thrilled to do a day each, as childcare (as in a nursery or childminder) would not have been something we’d have chosen.

ElaineMBenes

This conversation is getting absolutely ridiculous now.

Of causes it's my opinion because I was only answering for myself and not the other millions of parents out there.

I imagine there is very few parents if any on the planet who have exactly the same method of raising their children.

Why aren't you getting any time alone each day, are you a single parent?

Can you go back part time? This was the best of both worlds for me, I got to some spend time with DCs which I looked forward to and also had a life outside of nappies and the drudgery of home. Longer term this has been invaluable for me personally and financially.

Go back to work. You can always quit again if you want to. I could never have been a SAHM. I took 6 months, my husband took the next 6 months and now we both work FT.

My mum was and I just assumed that I would be. I also had DS1 very young so I didn't have much of a career and it seemed like it made sense to take a break rather than rush back to work and have to stress over childcare etc. The first thing I did actually was go back to uni when he was 2, putting him in childcare part time. Then I got a part time job as well.

I actually don't like the SAHM role very much, which surprised me because it was all I wanted to do when I was a little girl. It's too unstructured and I don't do very well with that. I tend to just waste time and laze around and not do any of the fantastic enriching activities that the perfect SAHM version of me in my head is doing. I do much better when I have less time to waste, and I have a very set window to fit family time, educational activities, fun play together, outdoor time, cleaning, etc. When it feels like I have endless time to do them all none of them get done.

I also love the fact that nurseries do a lot of this stuff and take care of lunch so I don't have to think about it and can just spend our time together doing what I/they want to do. Providing three meals every day is some kind of torture somehow.

Circumstances dictated my time as a SAHM and it wasn't something me or DH wanted long term.

Everyone is different and as long as both people in the relationship are happy with the arrangement, and crucially the person giving up financial independence is appropriate protected legally, then that's all that matters.

Because you didn't say it was a difference in opinion.
You said you chose to be a SAHP because YOU wanted to raise your children. That suggests you think working parents aren't raising their own children.

People comment on what they see written down. Don't write something so inflammatory if you aren't happy being challenged 🤷🏼‍♀️

But it isn't jumping to conclusions when you outright said that you didn't want someone else raising your child.

ElaineMBenes

Did you ever think for a second that my definition raising a child is completely different to yours!! Why does everyone MN keep jumping to conclusions.

As a working parent I can assure you that I still raise my child 🙄

I’m newly a SAHM (DS2 is 12 months and didn’t return to work after mat leave) but I was a working mum for 10 years. I think the grass isn’t always greener! When I was working, I missed DS1 so much when he was little and felt horribly guilty that he was in childcare full time from 8 months old. I missed all the firsts. Half terms weee a NIGHTMARE as the poor kid just wanted to chill at home sometimes but he was constantly being schlepped between family, holiday clubs, sports clubs etc. I was so desperate to stop work (as I also hated my job) and be home with him. But we couldn’t afford for me to not work and also me working meant I could afford days out, treats, holidays etc so that was kind of the pay off.

Now I am at home and kind of wish I’d gone back, at least part time. I love DC to bits, and especially as DS2 took 5 years and lots of losses to have him, I love that I am here to enjoy him, and also life is so much easier now that we don’t have the breakfast/after school club and super long days anymore. I can have a healthy homemade meal on the table at 5pm which was never possible before. But I miss the interaction and using my brain. I miss having my own money especially, although DP is brilliant and everything is joint but I miss having my own income source you know? I think when DS2 is around 18 months I’ll go back part time and the FT when 30 hours kick in. I don’t think the SAHM life is for me.

I think that's a response to me? I'm not SleepingStandingUp.

It may not have been intentional but of course that's the implication when you say you're a SAHP because you wanted to raise your children.

There are a few reasons I’m choosing to be a stay at home mum for the time being. Firstly we are lucky enough to be able to afford it (I know many families don’t have that option). My son is also an extremely clingy baby. He will only sleep in my arms during the day and will not settle for anyone else ever, even his dad. He just screams until I come back. I know people will they they’ll be different at nursery but I know my son and I know he isn’t ready for nursery anytime soon.

Another reason is more selfish. I was a teacher before and while I didn’t hate it, it took up 100% of my time and mental headspace. I’d get to school hours early and then work until 10-11 at night marking and planning lessons etc. As well as the stress of actually teaching all day. I couldn’t imagine doing all of that as well as looking after my son. I know I wouldn’t have coped. I am planning to go back to work when my son (and any more children we have) are at school but even then I think I’d need a career change.

You absolutely shouldn’t feel pressured into being a stay at home mum. It’s not for everyone and as long as your son is being looked after properly that’s all that matters. I believe that children are happier if they have happy parents who are taking care of their mental health. And if that means going back to work for you then there’s nothing wrong with that.

SleepingStandingUp

That "Obviously everyone's gonna do what's best for them and they kids"

SleepingStandingUp

I wasn't implying anything I was just answering the question that was asked. The fact that you have read more into it is really a you problem.
And I even put at my very first reply that

I always wanted to be a SAHM, that was always the plan and DH was very much on board, and luckily when DS arrived I found I really enjoyed it too! he’s now 2y2m and I’m still loving it, all the games and teaching him stuff and whatever. I hated the thought that he is of course only small for such a short time and I didn’t want to miss out on that.
Had I felt the way you did, I’d have gone back to work, you shouldn’t feel bad!

I admire your commitment, I couldn't cope home educating through until at least secondary school.

Thankfully my kids happily went to school nursery at 3 and like every other parent, WE'RE still raising our own children with our values and traditions, making memories etc because they go to childcare / school not posted off to The State until they're 21.

I wanted to because my job was really stressful (Deputy Head in a large secondary school). I planned to take my full year maternity leave and return but during that time several things happened that changed things for us:

DH got a promotion and a big salary jump
I knew I would not be able to do my job as I would want to and be a good mum ( I worked 50+ hours a week)
We wanted another baby in the next couple of years
The school asked for volunteers for redundancy

I took the redundancy, but I was a bit bored at times at home.

DS1 went to nursery two days a week and I started a consultancy working with schools and eventually local authorities. I could choose the amount if work I took on and it varied over the next 8 years (while we had 3 DC and I stayed at home until youngest was 4 and in Reception). I'm now back full-time (WFH 1 day a week) working for a local authority (paid by them, not independent).

There were times I was full-time SAHM (when babies were very young) and then I worked 3-4 days when the oldest two were at school full-time. DH had another promotion in that time so we were able to manage. They all had some time at nursery from being about 6-8 months.

I also did some volunteering at various times which was good for my mental health.

Our daughter is 12 months old, I'm going back to work in a few weeks for four days and I cannot wait, I know I will miss her but (and I feel guilty for saying this too) I'm so bored, she is so wanted and going to be our only child but I'm finding this age so hard, she needs constant entertainment and I miss being able to even wee in peace! I loved maternity leave to start with but the last month or so I've realised I'm ready to return, she will be in nursery two days a week and her Dad will have her at home two days, I'm hopeful it will make a big positive change for us and I will appreciate the time I have with her more rather than waiting for nap time to get some quiet. I feel so awful saying it!

I was a SAHM 30 years ago. I was lonely, bored and depressed. When my son was born in 2002 I went back whe he was 4 months as maternity pay only lasted 18 weeks but was so scared of going down that rabbit hole. You don't need a career a job is sufficient. It makes you a better more balanced wife and mother. Get going straight after Christmas break. Good luck .

"SleepingStandingUp

That was a massive assumption on your behalf!! My husband is very much involved is raising are daughter and always have been.
Why you came to the conclusion that my husband isn't involved just because I'm a SAHM speak volumes about your mindset 🤯

Part time work was the best for me. I kept my career going but also loved my non working days. My youngest went to school this September and at times it was so, so hard to do the juggle but there are a lot of financial advantages to keeping my career going. I’d be tempted to take a career break during primary years though as they are at lovely ages and having a bit more time would be nice.

It isn't an assumption. You said you wanted to be a SAHP because you didn't want anyone else raising them which heavily implies that you believe working parents don't raise their children.

That includes your husband since he's a working parent.

I love being a SAHM, but I think getting out of house is important for my wellbeing and my children's. I agree it's a faff.

I thrive on having some projects and challenges: the 1000 hours outdoors challenge has done us all good. Learning to forage and identify wildflowers means that when my little ones want to play with one particular tree trunk for 10 minutes it isn't a test of my patience so much as ten minutes of peace to explore that tiny area.

Maybe challenge yourself to learn more about classical music (A Year of Wonder is a good starting point, or Radio 3's composer of the week), or about Art (if there's an art gallery you can visit for free every week it doesn't matter if you're only there for 20 minutes). And these are passions which even a young toddler can start to appreciate. You can imagine pictures to the music together or dance in the sitting room, and you can look for colours or faces or objects in the pictures.

Or learn anatomy and instead of just teaching your LO eyes/shoulders etc you can make a game of ticking them on their tibia/whatever (can you tell I haven't learned anatomy!).

I have been trying to learn as many nursery rhymes as possible. Obviously my baby enjoys this! And I enjoy it so much more now there's a repertoire/list of 40(?) rather than just same old boring five.

A good routine really helps too. Somehow it's not such hard work getting from waking to fed/dressed/out when you don't have to think what to do next each time. Especially when the routine involves some really nice fun bits. Even laundry stopped being so awful when I let the babies help (eg loading the machine) rather than trying to find a moment when they were occupied.

Best of luck