To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

ElaineMBenes

You 100% put words in my mouth saying that I think working parents don't raise their children and you still argue the fact after I said yes I do think working parents raise children.

Apparently, in your view, someone else would be raising your child if you worked at all. But your husband is somehow raising his own child despite working (presumably) FT. How does that work, exactly?

I haven't put any words in your mouth. I have only repeated what you wrote.

You wrote this:

Because I didn't want to miss anything and didn't want someone else raising my baby than me.

What exactly did you mean if it isn't what is clearly articulated here??

ElaineMBenes

I'm up for debate and challenge has much as the next person but that's not what you were doing was it!! You were putting words in my mouth to get the answers you wanted.
I left school along time ago that sort of stuff can stay on the playground.

At the end of my very first reply I said everyone got to what's best for them and they kids.

Look, you wrote something online that could be interpreted in a particular way. That sort of comment is always going to attract a debate! That's the nature of online forums.

If you don't want people to challenge what you say then don't post controversial comments. It's that easy 🤷🏼‍♀️

Common sense to me means that if you say you want to be a SAHM because you don't want other people raising your child that it also must mean that working parents who have children in nursery/childminders etc don't raise their children.

Of course some working parents are going to challenge comments like that.

I want to stay at home but not be a sahp!
I love work but would love it even more if I could do it part time and spend the rest of the time split between the kids and separate time for me! I couldn't be a sahp all the time it's not in my design !

ElaineMBenes

Honestly just tell yourself what ever you need to make yourself feel right and validated and the other 2 people who agreed with you.

Some people just don't possess common sense.

I haven’t read all the thread but I just wanted to share my experience as that’s what you seem to be after.

After my first son I didn’t want to go back to the job I had left as it would have meant him being in childcare 4 days a week and I didn't want that for him.

When I was a child I was in full time childcare, Mon-Fri from 6 months of age, and then in childcare (before and after school) until I was 12 and I hated it. I probably saw my parents for about 2-3 hours a day and it did make me sad.

My husband had been in a similar set-up when he was a child too and he’d disliked it for the same reasons I had so it had always been the plan that I would be at home as much as I could be / wanted to be when we had children.

I didn’t give up work completely after my first son was born but I changed my job so I only had to work 3 days a week (one of which was a weekend day) and that gave me a really lovely balance and meant we only had to use childcare for 2 days a week.

After the birth of our second child I reduced my hours further simply because I wanted to be with him as much as I could. This was probably because I had already seen the years fly by with my first son that I wanted to cherish time with my second baby even more.

I have had to give up work this year due to health reasons and so I’m technically a SAHM now but the boys are 6 and 9 years old now so it’s a completely different scenario.

Although I reduced my days/hours when my children were younger, there’s no way I could have been a SAHM during those years.

I needed a break from parenting, I needed the stimulation, the socialisation and the mental challenge that work provided me with and if I hadn’t had just those few days a week to simply be “me” I think I would have lost my mind.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing OP.
You do not have to feel guilty for feeling that the early years are tough and boring, because they really can be!

Calling out insulting comments doesn't make me bitter.

I wasn't the only one who interpreted your comment in that way so know sure why I'm the only one you're choosing to debate with?

Your comment suggested that you feel working mothers aren't raising their children. If you don't actually think that then don't write it down on a public forum otherwise people will challenge it.

OP I was a SAHM as the only way me working as well as DH would have needed us having a live in nanny . I didn’t want that and we didn’t have the spare room . I also was bored of my job so always assumed that I’d change career or start a business from home once the free child care hours kicked in .

I had 2 18 months apart in the end. It was really tough at times . I got out every morning with them and was lucky to make a good group of mum friends - which enlivened things . Mine are GCSE age now and we are still good friends .

I would say that you are at the hardest stage at the moment . Another PP mentioned getting a cheap light weight buggy to use - they are invaluable to make things easier . I think about 18 months kids get much more interesting and you’ll be able to do things with them and watch them really appreciate where you are taking them . I had an annual pass for a local farm park which I used every single week without fail as it was time out which I didn’t need to have inspiration about ! As they get older we just moved onto a different annual pass .

By the time the spring weather comes round DS should be developing and you might enjoy it more .

ElaineMBenes

1. I wasn't backtracking it was you that was jumping to conclusions obviously because you've got a very big chip on your shoulder about something.

1. You didn't challenge me all you did was make yourself look very bitter.

Different strokes as they say. There's no right way.

But can people be a little careful not to suggest that SAHMs are somehow "lesser" or more suited to tedium and drudgery than WOHs? There is often an undercurrent-maybe not nconscious- of "it's fine if you're able to deal with the repetition and boredom. Me? I want more from life" on these threads.

@sickbucket67 yes I know or exactly what that poster meant. Despite the backtracking when challenged.

I couldn't care less what other people choose to do, work, stay at home.....who cares? However, I do have an issue with people judging women (and let's face it, it's only women that get judged) for the choices they make. People should be more mindful of the language they use.

I'm perfectly comfortable with the choices I made but I know women who have to work out of necessity not choice, to literally put a roof over their head and food on the table. Imagine then reading some of the comments that get thrown at working mothers?

That comment was insulting.

You don't think there's a difference between 'caring/looking after' and 'raising'?

Parents raise their children but Childminders/Nursery workers/Grandparents etc care for/look after children during working hours.

It isn't unusual on these threads for SAHM's to say that working parents don't raise their children and to actually mean it.

Find some part time childcare, if you can - our local playgroup runs three mornings a week, and that little bit of respite was amazing (it cost, of course, but nowhere near what a proper nursery would have) - did housework in peace and could mentally relax a bit.

As PP have said, it's not wrong to feel how you do, we are all different. I bloody love being a SAHM.

To be fair, I live somewhere there is loads to do, and I have lots of friends nearby. I am not short of money, and have many interests. I love my own company too, and can happily spend hours reading or crafting whilst baby naps. I have three and am currently pregnant with fourth, and so far all of mine have had two hour sleeps every single afternoon until they were three years old so I suspect that has helped too.

Going back to work before they are at senior school at least would make me really unhappy.

You should do whatever is best for you OP, and ignore anyone who says otherwise.

And my child also attends nursery. They are part of a big group effort of raising her!

You knew exactly what the poster meant, lay off.

is it ‘raising’ you take issue with? Would ‘caring’ be a better word?

if the poster had said ‘I wanted to care for my own child’ that have been ok?

Because there is a difference between nursery caring for your child between 8-6, and you doing it yourself. You are both raising your own child- but if they go to nursery full time, then nursery IS caring for them (or raising them!) for a huge chunk of it!

It’s absolutely fine if you want to go back to work- we are lucky enough to have the choice and you need to make the right choice for your family.

i don’t understand why on these threads people who work outside the home leap down the throats of when anyone dares suggest that nursery is looking after their child. Because they are.

if the semantics upset you- i’d wonder why that is.

Do what works for you. I always thought I’d be a SAHP - I didn’t and haven’t been and went back to work with my first at 1 and second at 18 months. No regrets I’ve never missed first steps, been to nativities and my girls know they always come first.

My friend had every intention of going back to work but once her baby born she knew she wouldn’t & hasn’t. She thrives being a SAHP involved in PTA and using her skills for marketing and fundraising.

Another friend thought she should be a SAHP and has struggled on with a now 8 year old. She works PT but she misses the role she had before and it’s been hard for her. Suffers from a lack of confidence and depression/guilt.

Do what works for you and your family.

ElaineMBenes

Of course I do what a ridiculous question.
But I can't imagine for one second that all parents raise their kids the same .
But silly me I thought that was just common sense and shouldn't need to be spelled out for people.

I too got fed up with the pram assembly and got a lightweight stroller at 13 months which changed my life! I always keep a small bag as well with a change of clothes, nappy and wipes ready at all times as well which also helped when leaving to get ready!

I was desperate to go back to work after my first. So I went back part time and loved it. Second was born during Covid, it was all a bit different, work became really stressful, several local nurseries shut meaning childcare was almost impossible. So I did the SAHM thing for a couple of years. I did quite enjoy it - older one was in preschool a couple of days a week, parents had moved close to us so helped out a lot, did some nice classes with them. But that was my maximum, I was so very ready to go back to work before my second turned 3! So now I work part time again and am happy with it.

Being a SAHM is really hard. It’s ok if you want to work.

I became a SAHM because I didn't like the idea of strangers caring for my DC, and I didn't have childcare options available in my family. I felt lucky that we could make it work financially. Money is tighter but it's worth it to my DH and me.

I get out every day, we have a set weekly routine: swimming lesson on Mondays, meet with mum friend and same age child on Tuesdays, visit grandparents on Wednesdays, playgroup on Thursdays and the big shop on Fridays.

I also visit parks, farm parks, nature reserves, go into town, see other mum friends etc spontaneously so that every week doesn't feel the same. My DC are 3 and 12 weeks old.

Do you think working parents raise their children?

Because your comment suggests you don't think they do. So either you believe what you wrote or you need to be more articulate because more than one person interpreted your comment that way.