To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

As I see it, until food, shelter, clothing etc are magically free, everyone who is physically and psychologically able to work should work. (Barring special circumstances such as caring responsibilities which won’t allow it etc).

The narrative that working FT while being a parent is simply too stressful/ expensive/ only possible with significant grandparental childcare that is too often peddled like a gospel truth on here simply isn’t true.

So many Mners gave up work because they had lazy, sexist partners who took for granted that childcare was a female project. Understandably, that felt impossible to them, but that’s not because of anything incompatible in parenthood and a career.

It worries me that Mners, who include an unusually high proportion of isolated, socially anxious or withdrawn people, who have few or no relationships outside their immediate household, are imbibing the patriarchal norm that women’s work becomes weirdly optional once they have a child, or that it’s terrible that mothers ‘have to work’, particularly because they’re not in contact with people for whom working mothers are just ordinary.

Just go back to work OP. Even if it's only part time, it will give you the energy to enjoy spending the rest of your week with your dc.

I thought I would love being a SAHM - I'm a real introvert, love being at home, LOVE babies and toddlers and hated my job. After about 9 months I started to feel a bit low. Then I had my second and I found myself crying a lot and having these thoughts about just getting up and walking off. It wasn't the dcs - I loved them and I loved being a mum. I went back to work when the dcs were 1 and 3. Best thing for all of us and I massively regret not putting the eldest in nursery much sooner because he really needed more socialisation that 1 hour at the church playgroup could provide.

Mine are older now (16 and 23) but when they were younger I felt all that guilt too. I actually don’t mind my job but haven’t always felt I was giving it 100% plus feeling like a nuisance asking for days off for sports days, school plays etc. Then on the flip side feeling guilty because I wasn’t home when they got home from school!

I only ever wanted to be a SAHM but worked 20 years before I met my husband! But as soon as I was expectant, I stopped work and have never looked back. Love every moment with my child and have been with her for every wonderful milestone. We do everything together and I now have time to do the things I’ve always wanted to do but never had the time for. My life is very fulfilled now.

😂

That's a good point though, you can walk to a different room and miss a first step or a first word.

DS is a traitor. He's all dada dada dada. 🙃😅

I didn't miss first steps or first word either which usually gets thrown about too. He just took his first steps over Christmas 😊.

DS said his first word at grandmas when she had him for one hour!!!! 😂😂😂😂

His first steps were over Christmas too, little bugger just got up and ran across the room 😂

Dd was obviously "not right" she was diagnosed autistic at 2

I'm a SHAM, I love it (mostly) but we are very rarely in the house. We go to playgroups/softplay/classes/play dates. We have plans morning and afternoon most days of the week. I was very conscious that I could end up quite lonely and my daughter quite socially awkward because she wasn't going to nursery until later than others. Neither is the case luckily! Do not feel bad for whatever you decide to do!! It helps we're in a city, a lot of my friends who live in other places only have access to groups once a week or can't afford to go to many which obviously makes it a lot harder. Being a SHAM can be hard, being a working mum can be hard, so whatever you feel is best for you xx

You could make a cracking butty with all the chips sat on the shoulders of posters on this thread. 🍟🍟🍟

But can’t you appreciate that doing all of that without working would be a much more chill life? You clearly have the desire to work, me too, but many people would rather not. So… different strokes for different folks isn’t it??

Of course! I don't think I've said I think people should work have I?
And yes, of course it's less hectic if you don't work but I enjoy our family set up. I appreciate it would someone else's idea of hell though.

I was simply agreeing with another poster who said it's possible to do the things a previous poster mentioned.

Want to teach my child our values, our traditions, make memories, keep a strong attachment, no separation trauma.

I have a friend who works in a boys’ school and she says she can tell the ones with non-working mums a mile off (and especially non-working mums with older fathers), in terms of the values they hold.

I won’t tell you what those values are, but apparently they’re strong and clear in teenage boys.

I didn't miss first steps or first word either which usually gets thrown about too. He just took his first steps over Christmas 😊.

But can’t you appreciate that doing all of that without working would be a much more chill life? You clearly have the desire to work, me too, but many people would rather not. So… different strokes for different folks isn’t it??

Sorry, but your comment (whether by design or accident) was goady and tactless. If you say you wanted to remain at home to "raise your children" you must have known that this comment very clearly implies that parents who work don't raise their children. @ElaineMBenes and others pointing this out doesn't make them bitter.

I couldn't give a tinker's cuss whether people work or stay at home and I freely support the right of women who don't want to work not to have to do so. But as someone who literally has no choice but to work (because if I didn't work my child would starve) I do find it offensive when people tip up out of the blue and suggest I'm not "raising my child" (or that I'm "outsourcing" or "farming out" my child. I'm raising my child in every conceivable meaning of the word, from breadwinning to emotional support to education to entertainment. I've done it on my own without any support and I've done it well and happily, thanks very much.

I am very far from being bitter: I've loved it and wouldn't change it for the world but I'm damned if I will be told by strangers that I'm not raising my child.

I do all of these things, as does DH. While both working FT.

Us too.
Plus we've never missed an assembly, play, carol concert etc.

I was a sahm for a long time and I mostly loved it, but I was in a very lucky position. I live in a city with lots of things going on for mums/ kids and I met loads of interesting, friendly mums, many of whom became good friends. I was out every day doing a different activity. I had a very supportive husband and a career I could step back into when I wanted. My job has been focused on child development and education, and so being with kids completely aligned with my interests. I suspect if just one of those things had been different, staying at home would have done my head in.

Being a sahm is not for everyone. In fact, I suspect it's not for most people. It can be difficult and boring. Having the right environment around you (friends, activities, easy transport so you're not isolated, supportive family etc) really helps. I think you should do whatever you need to do to feel ok. Absolutely no point carrying on as a full time sahm if you hate it. Going part time could be a good solution.

I just think having kids is the best adventure in life. I liked spending lots of time with them and caring for them. I have a chronic illness that didn't and to some extent still doesn't slow me down too much as a younger mid -adult but will bite with less time to spare than most, so knowing that in advance, means I've been quite laser focused on things that were meaningful. So, I've been on and off, although mostly on with sahm-ing for the last 15 years.

I couldn't give a flying fuck about what other people think of how our family rolls - so I'm Teflon coated for judgy opinions.

I do all of these things, as does DH. While both working FT.

OP, being a SAHP suits hardly anyone of either sex. It’s a very new, very culture-specific idea, and certainly not any kind of norm, or anything you are supposed to want. Go back to work and enjoy parenthood. Being this bored would wreck anyone’s head.

Op small children develop so fast but it seems so slow when you are in the thick of it.. Can you balance it out work and stay at home, part time?.

OMG @PhillMichellsbrother this could be me!!! I left school at 16 and had no career plans and did admin roles until I married at 25 and became a SAMH - we had our first child 9 months after we married and had 4 children in all. Fortunately my DH was a high earner so never had to worry about a second income which I get is the lot for a lot of families. I loved being a SAHM but as you say

But my God, it’s annoyed the hell out of other people over the years. Why didn’t I want a career? Why have I wasted my life? And now …. what about your pension?

The number of times I've been asked 'but what do you do?" and I've replied that I'm and SAHM and then I get "Yes, but what do YOU DO!" also being constantly asked when I'm going back to work. One good thing with growing older (I'm 58 and DH is 71) and the children flying the nest is that I no longer get those constant questions, so there is light at the end of the tunnel, but being questioned about when I was going to go back to work was the bane of my life when the children were younger. The problem was that I knew a lot of mum's who were mum's of the children's friends and from school and nursery and through DH's work colleagues and most of them went back to work in some capacity and there weren't many mothers like me who were full time apart from a lovely Irish lady who became my best friend! 😀

It’s absolutely fine not to want to be a SAHM if it doesn’t work for you. There is a reason 1950s housewives were on anti-depressants and women fought for the right to be freed from the home and for equality in the workplace.

In answer to your question, though, a lot of the SAHMs I know who really enjoy it are the ones who’ve experienced the alternative - which is being a working mum. And, depending on what you do for work, it can be very, very hard. I’m not trying to put you off if it’s what you want. But having done both myself, I can tell you that my experience was that being a SAHM was a piece of piss, and balancing working with parenting is no joke.

Because I'm an antisocial bugger. I've been in charge of a business, and it was great, but I don't like being an employee, which is what I am now.

I am developing my side hustle stuff on mat leave with the intention of being a SAHM with him in nursery three days. Gives me plenty of alone time, money making time, and makes others tolerable in small doses.

I know.

Either pp is doing some backtracking or despite the fact that she keeps on saying raising, she more means that she wants to be the one doing all of the looking after/childcare.

OP I had the same with my first. It's a huge life change. What helped was eventually having my child at nursery for some time. With my second I'm taking it so so much better, so am convinced I had anxiety with my first. I definitely felt some of the things you've described - could be a bit of PNA?

Like others have said you have options to work / get childcare. You could also contact a charity to support you like Home Start, might be helpful.

I just really didn't want strangers looking after my baby. Especially when there can be such high staff turnover in nurseries. I've been at home for 5 years now, and 2 babies. When this one turns 3 she'll start preschool, and once's she's up to a couple of days there, I'll start easing back into work. I can't wait to work TBH. My head is getting done in, and I just need a life of my own.