To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

@SouthLondonMum22 My DH didn't work long hours because we needed the money he did because a) it was expected of him and b) he loved it! Obviously the family benefitted from his high income but we could have got by on a lot less.

The problem is that there's just no evidence that this is true though. Numerous studies have been done on this over the past four or five decades and none has yet found a compelling evidence even of correlation, let alone causation, between women's rising participation in the labour force and mental health problems and delinquency in children and teens. None. This is wish-fulfilment on the part of people who are uncomfortable with the idea of women working and want to create this narrative for political reasons.

There is much more compelling evidence, by contrast, that COVID has had a damaging impact on children's mental health. Even in the three years since that's happened there is a wealth of data suggesting children's health has suffered.

If the evidence is so clear cut in the case of COVID, why has no one ever really been able to make the case stick against working women? Because the case is non existing.

@Abracadabra12345

I get DLA for both (though one only low rate care). I work reduced hours and DLA is making up in part of my loss of income. It's not enough to pay the bills and give up work.

Have you applied for DLA for them both?

It would be though because men don't generally line up to sacrifice their careers.

If it was truly set up as an option for everyone and not aimed just at mothers, I wouldn't necessarily be against it but I feel it would largely just increase the inequality between men and women in the workplace.

Sure, but it doesn't have to be the same as it was in the past.

It would be best if people didn't HAVE to work full-time if they preferred not to, and were able to split their time between work and home more to their satisfaction (and I don't just mean parents, but everyone who works). It's becoming clearer that having the option of a proper work-life balance (whatever that means for the individual) is best for good mental health.

I'm also sure that parents who are happy working full time and feel fulfilled by it are better for their children than parents who feel compelled to work full time because they need to for survival.

Don’t feel bad if you went to work. Do what’s right for you. I hate all these threads that start “I’m fortunate to be able to be a SAHM” fair enough but not everyone wants that.

I felt this way so went back 2/3 days a week. I felt MUCH better. And I was definitely a better mum for it. Now I’ve had baby no. 2 she’s 7 months and I’m looking to go back to work again soon. Stay at home mums are super human, I just just the urge to be both a mum and work and that’s okay, as it is for you x

But Mothers were the ones who would stay at home, not fathers which is why it seems to blame working mothers.

It also assumes that no parents but again, particularly mothers because they are the ones who are more likely to give up their careers actually enjoy working and want to continue that full time when they become mothers.

Thank you grouchykiwi- that's the point I was making

I'm not blaming working mothers. I am saying the society that has been created by this government has made it impossible for people NOT to work and that has had an impact on children.

I waited until I was older before I had my daughter so that we could afford for me to stay at home with her for several years. It was a real struggle financially and we went without holidays, meals out, new cars, new clothes etc for several years. But we both wanted me to stay home because we believed it would give our daughter the best possible start in life and I've got no regrets about any of the unnecessary luxuries we went without.

I hated every second of being pregnant and didn't really enjoy the first two or three months, partly because we moved house when I was six months pregnant into a semi derelict house which took us a long time to renovate ourselves because of the lack of money, but also because I was so inexperienced with babies- my daughter was the first small baby I had ever held. But I wanted to spend every minute I could with her, and never stopped being fascinated by watching her develop and turn into a proper little person. I didn't want to miss her saying her first word, taking her first step etc and I enjoyed every day playing with her, reading with her, and taking her out to the park, local museums, farms etc. I really missed her when she started school. I went back to work part time when she started junior school and managed to find work that fitted in with the school day, and in the evenings, when my husband was home to look after her. I never had any regrets about staying home, and would do the same again without a second thought.

I had no interest in being a SAHM after my first. It didn't make sense for me to not work financially anyway but I would have found it tedious. Now I've had my 2nd I wish I didn't have to go back to work a bit but we can't afford me to be a SAHM

I don't disagree with you about the multi-factorial nature of the rise in mental health issues, but PP's post wasn't about mothers specifically.

The problem of children spending most of their waking hours at school/nursery/wrap-around care could be solved by both parents being able to have part-time jobs and being able to be equally there for their children. The issue is needing TWO FULL-TIME jobs just to be able to afford the basics of life (housing, food), when in the past only one full-time salary was needed for a comfortable lifestyle.

Because it completely ignores other factors such as more knowledge and understanding about mental health issues in children. Not to mention the increase use of social media, the recent pandemic/lockdowns and the cost of living crisis just to name a few things.

But of course, working mothers are to blame. 🙄

I would absolutely love to be a SAHM (currently work 3 days a week), but then my job doesn’t allow for ten minutes to myself either and I’m constantly in demand all day, it’s actually much harder work than looking after my toddler all day.

I genuinely love being at home with my son, having little days out just the two of us, watching him learn new things every day. He was talking from a young age which probably helped- he’s 2 now and we can actually have proper conversations which is adorable. I also have a lot of friends and family with toddlers, who we meet up with regularly which helps. But as PPs have said, everyone is different. I’ve always wanted to be a mum, never been career minded and being a mum has (so far) lived up to everything I’ve hoped for.

I mentioned previously being a big fan of the concept alloparenting and this is a great article on it. If someone enjoys being Sahm and it works for their family then that's great. But I disagree with the notion that it's the only way to being up a child.

Op, this is a great article on why you shouldn't feel shame or guilt about finding parenting boring and why having other caregivers is a benefit for parents and children and is in fact keeping with how we've raised children for centuries https://www.cnn.com/2021/06/15/health/alloparenting-multiple-caregivers-raising-kids-wellness/index.html

It always amazes me that people deny any correlation between the massive increase in mental health problems in children and the massive increase in children being in full time childcare outside the home.
There are children doing 12 hour days in childcare- either nursery or school and wrap around care and it is just too much.

I think the fact that we have a society that requires two full time wages to survive pretty much is awful for our children.

The other common narrative I've seen is that SAHMs are boring, can only talk about their children, have no other interests outside of their children, and won't cope when their children are no longer around.

The reality is that people are multi-faceted and complex and generally have interests outside of work and/or home and both of these narratives are ridiculous.

I'm a SAHM because I enjoy it and find it very fulfilling. But if I did not find it enjoyable or fulfilling then I would not do it. We are all individuals OP and there is nothing wrong with you wanting to return to work if that makes you feel happy and fulfilled.

The other hoary old chestnut is that people have jobs because they want to buy handbags, shoes and fast cars. And “farm out” their children so they can do it.

Yep I've heard this aimed at women in particular. Funny how women work for luxuries whereas men work to provide!

I bloody love my job and I'm not ashamed of that!

@SouthLondonMum22

Women.

It's only women who aren't allowed to enjoy their work.

Indeed @SouthLondonMum22 thank you for correcting me. Men work to provide. Women work to buy handbags and to play act dressing up for the boardroom while their children cry in Dickensian nurseries eating thin gruel.

Women.

It's only women who aren't allowed to enjoy their work.

@ElaineMBenes there’s quite a common narrative on here that people who enjoy their jobs are boring and have nothing to talk about other than work. It comes up a lot on these sorts of threads.

The other hoary old chestnut is that people have jobs because they want to buy handbags, shoes and fast cars. And “farm out” their children so they can do it.

Yawn.

See, that's a reason why we both work. It means that we both share the financial load so that one of us doesn't have to work all hours under the sun and we can both enjoy family time too.