To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

Parents should stop being so selfish,

I'm not even going to reply to this bullshit comment 🙄

if you can afford to SAHM (D), even if you find it boring, surely that is best for the child. After all, this is what worked for thousands of years before the onset of third party child care.

This is where you're wrong. The concept of a SAHP is a very, very recent phenomenon. Children from wealthy backgrounds were cared for by hired childcare and those from working class families were cared for by the extended family. Having a parent at home purely for childcare purposes is a relatively recent luxury.

@youngones1 How is it in the child's best interests if the parent is unhappy and unfulfilled as a SAHP?

Happy parents bring up happy children 😊

How is it best for the child to have a SAHP if they are bored, miserable and unfulfilled?

It's only a good option for the child if a parent feels happy and fulfilled doing it.

And none of mine even remember being at nursery, they know they went there and have seen the photos but have no recollection. Same as if I’d have given up my career and had days out and endless group activities. Yes I’d have remembered it, and probably for all the wrong reasons if I had stayed at home when I didn’t want to. I also couldn’t afford to, I wouldn’t have much of a pension if I did. We can’t always rely on husbands earnings

God don’t feel bad. I have always worked and that’s just that. It’s a part of me, and I’d have probably gone insane if I’d have stayed at home all the time. Definitely not for me and it’s not damaged my kids in any way!

I agree, surely from the child's point of you, no-one is better than their actual mum (or dad). Parents should stop being so selfish, if you can afford to SAHM (D), even if you find it boring, surely that is best for the child. After all, this is what worked for thousands of years before the onset of third party child care.

The nursery we used was excellent.
It had a very low staff turnover, in fact my DS left 5 years ago and most of the staff are still working there. So it's clearly not a terrible place to work!

How many nurseries did you work in?

I can’t imagine not being a SAHM as I can’t imagine leaving my child for any reason other than an emergency 🤷‍♀️ He is 2 years old and in term time we go to toddler classes and stay and plays 4/5 days a week - sometimes it’s 1 class a day and others it’s 2 at 3 different classes and 2 stay and plays 😋 We’ve been going to classes since he was 3 weeks old - some are still the same as when he was a baby (just going up through the age groups) and some are new as they didn’t all continue from baby to toddler.
We also go swimming, to parks, soft play ect. when his classes aren’t on.

The way I see it is that this stage of them being little is so very short and I don’t want to waste it!! I want to spend as much time with my small as I possibly can before he goes to school and stops needing me as much 🥲
Plus, I’ve worked in nurseries and a lot of them are really bad and the staff clearly don’t want to be there ☹️

We are all different. I stayed at home with my children until the youngest went to school and I don't regret it for a minute. I loved that time with them, I was the one who saw their first steps and heard their first words, I was always there for them when they needed me and I made some very good friends along the way. I wasn't ever bored. I found being at work much less satisfying.
But I would never say that that life is for everyone, no one should feel guilty for the choices they make. My choice was right for me, it isn't for everyone.

Qualified professionals aren't random strangers, especially after settling in sessions and with the keyworker system.

If they are, then I suppose we all send our children to be looked after by 'random strangers' eventually if we don't home school.

Also, why mum instead of dad?

Thank you. And also for clarity a trusted family member, long-term childminder or nanny (and indeed a teacher after the age of five) is not usually a "random stranger".

It's utterly bizarre how people characterise professional carers in these posts as if they were people off the street who a parent as accosted and shouted: "oi, take my little Johnny, I'm off to work". It doesn't work like that. My DD's former childminder was with us for the best part of a decade, she was almost a member of the family.

Better to be looked after by happy, healthy people than a depressed mother who feels trapped by her situation. Not everyone is happy staying at home with children.

Mum ..... not dad?

Plus, the staff at the nursery we used weren't strangers after we met them. They were trained childcare professionals who do a wonderful job.

Oh shit you mean I was supposed to ask their name first?

I think better to be looked after by your actual mum rather than a random stranger.

It's only great if someone is happy to be a SAHM and wants to be a SAHM. It isn't great if the SAHM is bored and miserable.

It would also be great if the OP decided to work and use childcare. Either option is perfectly fine!

No need for the guilt trip!

It would be great for your baby to be a SAHM, be grateful for this opportunity, rather than resentful. There are lots of ways you can fill your time.

I am one of the lucky few who had an absolutely free choice about childcare. I had been working for 15 years before we had children so we had a healthy bank balance, either of us could have stopped work and we also had satisfactory childcare available. I gave up work because I was ready for a new and entirely different challenge. Absolutely no regrets!

I’ll play anecdata bingo too.

I grew up with a SAHM and we don’t have a strong bond, my bond is much stronger with my father who worked full time.

@Char65

our children always knew I was there for them if they needed me and that created a very strong bond. I have known other children - friends of my own children - so well educated, middle class professional families if you like whose parents (or in our case me!) didn't invest the time and they have gone completely off the rails.

Fine but are you saying having a job means you “don’t invest the time”? If so by definition that applies to your husband too, no? Why is it only a mother’s role to have this strong bond and why does the mother having a job stand in the way of this? (But apparently not the father).

If we are going to play anecdata bingo: I have an incredibly strong bond with my teenage daughter and I work FT (I am a single parent so I have no choice whatsoever). Am I to feel guilty and that I am somehow disadvantaging my child and pushing her into delinquency because I work? Would it be preferable for me to hook up with any man who can support me just so I can remain at home.

I am sure you will say “yes but you don’t have a choice…” which is how people always backtrack on these threads in response to people pointing out the necessity of work, but surely you can see how unscientific and lacking in intellectual rigour and consistency is? We all apply our own filter to data gathering to suit our perspectives. But there still is no compelling data that children of working mothers do worse.

Umm, I can see your point but I disagree, I've not worked (outside the home!) since 1990 when I married. Obviously I have outside interests and our children had a lot of outside interests too when they were growing up, often linked to their private school. Our eldest son would have been a pro rugby player if hadn't been for injury. Obviously as they get older they form their own friendship groups and opinions and no parent is ever going to say they've not had some 'run ins' with their kids at times & bringing up children is always 'smooth sailing' because of course its not and its probably more difficult now than it has ever been due to numerous outside influences but our children always knew I was there for them if they needed me and that created a very strong bond. I have known other children - friends of my own children - so well educated, middle class professional families if you like whose parents (or in our case me!) didn't invest the time and they have gone completely off the rails. As I think I said despite me being a SAHM we have had some issues with our youngest son who gave up on Uni and is at home but he's now more settled and at college.

This is the same for me when our children were young - I really enjoyed it which totally surprised a lot of women.

I actually thing there are a lot of mother's like you who would like to be SAHM but can't afford to be and feel that was one of the reasons some mother's were less than complimentary about me being a SAHM when our children were young.