To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

Be careful with the ''debate'' regarding your DIL and her baby, that happened but with my own mother as I went back to work when DS was 12 weeks and declined her looking after DS so he went to nursery and that ''debate'' changed our relationship forever.

So true. My step mum frequently talks about how amazing her son's wives are for giving up work and how amazing her son's are for earning enough to facilitate this.

She can't seem to comprehend that I work because I want to not because we can't afford for me to give up work. I also get criticised for going on international work trips, funny how she never criticises my DH for doing the same.

It means I don't particularly like her.

Yanbu op. I have a 13mo too and it's just relentless! My dd is started to walk so you have to tail her all the time. And then she is sooo clingy. I am sick of it. Utterly sick of it. I hated the baby stage too with my older dc. I am enjoying him so much now that he's older and I realised It's the baby stage that I absolutely despise and loathe. I'm a sahm and enjoy it and I wouldn't want to change it but that's more for my older dc. I did consider putting my dd in nursery but a bit older. Go back to work if it would make you happier. A happier mum makes a happier baby.
We have decided to hire a nanny to take over a few hours a day. Good for everyone else who enjoys having a Velcro baby, it's not for me so we have done what's best for both of us.

Thankfully it’s no longer the 1950’s are both parents can have successful careers and raise their children.

Working parents do bring up their children though. Financially providing is an important part of raising children for a start but nursery workers, childminders, nannies etc care for children during working hours. They don't provide for them financially, they don't think about their future, as you said they don't love them in the same way that a parent does and they don't hold them in the night when they are ill because they don't raise them.

Be careful with the ''debate'' regarding your DIL and her baby, that happened but with my own mother as I went back to work when DS was 12 weeks and declined her looking after DS so he went to nursery and that ''debate'' changed our relationship forever.

Being a SAHP doesn’t mean you love or care for your DC’s more than working parents. Financially neither DH or I need to work but have chosen to progress our careers - they interest us and we both went through years of study. Neither of the DT’s have children yet but I hope they continue with the interesting careers they both have.

@ElaineMBenes

The biggest influence on a child's future outcomes is poverty. Living in poverty will have a much greater negative impact on a child.

Exactly. Poverty or affluence is a far greater swing factor on a child’s outcomes than whether or not its mother works. Studies consistently show this.

Which is why making women who have to work to give their children a chance at a better outcome feel they are failing them by doing so is ill informed, toxic nonsense.

I get that for most parents two incomes are essential so there is Hobsons Choice in regard to childcare. I myself was in a very fortunate position as I was married to a very high earner (now retired) who supported me and the children and I loved being a SAMH. We also had au pairs and help with domestic stuff but as other posters have said I think the mother (and father) are in the most part always going to be the best people to bring up their child as parents, in the most part, love this children whereas paid professionals for all their competence don’t. You can see in @ToddlerMama27 post the love she has for her 2 year old son but that’s not to say children of working parents are any worse or better brought up. Its funny as this is a big debate in our house right now as we have our first GC – 7 weeks old and our DiL is going back to work in the New Year 3 days on reduced hours. I did ‘volunteer’ to look after GD but over-committed and now it’ll only be one day so 2 days she will be in a nursery but I don’t think DiL should do it and think GD is far too young to be left but that’s just me, anyway Happy New Year everyone.

What if she doesn't enjoy it? A child can sense a parent's mood and resentment. Maybe the dad could give up his job instead?

How patronising!

If she chooses to work she is still taking care of her child. Being a SAHP isn't for everyone no matter how much effort you put in. And that's okay.

There are also excellent childcare providers and staff out there.

I think you need to step up and take responsibility for taking care of your child, as you don't need to work. If you give it 110% you might find your really enjoy it, and it is will be so much better for your child. Not all staff working in child care are great, some are mediocre at best.

@Cinderellanellabella

I have acknowledge the pros and cons, you are proving my point by refusing to do the same.

I'm not refusing to do the same. I'm acknowledging that people on both sides of this debate have very entrenched views with a great deal of emotion.

However the bare facts are that there is no evidence whatsoever that childcare damages children en masse (excluding bad childcare). I have read fairly extensively around this (precisely because I was worried about it).

And yet still women (invariably women who can afford not to have to work) pile onto these threads with weepy stories about the dreadfully sad looking children in nurseries and how they "could never" do this. It's all first hand anecdata, conjecture: someone went to a nursery and saw a child crying etc. It's completely unscientific.

Well: I have to work. I have to do this because my child would starve if I didn't. And this is why I've read about it to establish whether there is evidence that childcare damages children. And, excepting unusual outlier situations, it doesn't.

So I find it very hard to stomach women who are in enormously privileged positions making women like me feel bad and say things like "I could never do that to my kids" based on old wives tales and confirmation bias.

I've never argued that all women should work if they don't want to. I can understand wanting to stay at home and if you can afford it and want to then by all means stay at home. But do those of us who don't have that choice the decency of not posting lip-quavering, doom laden posts which are designed to make us feel panic about what happens to our children when we are out working to support them.

If this panicky stuff were in any way grounded in truth I would take it on the chin and think about how to mitigate it. The problem is it's not grounded in truth. At all. And it's highly offensive to those of us who need to work that these hoary old scare stories keep being wheeled out despite having been debunked.

However, I feel those supporting the opposite side will refuse to even acknowledge that attending nursery full time from a young age could also have a detrimental impact.

I'm very familiar with the research on this particular topic.
The key is the quality of childcare being used which is also linked to the socioeconomic status of the family as good quality childcare tends to be more expensive.

The research shows that for very young children in good quality childcare provision the impact is neutral. It's not particularly beneficial but it's also not having a detrimental impact on them or their development. For older children (2+) there are benefits in attending good quality children particularly in relation language development and social skills.

The biggest influence on a child's future outcomes is poverty. Living in poverty will have a much greater negative impact on a child.

I'm not lecturing anyone, I'm just bringing my perspective and experience to the discussion, as I am entitled to do. I have acknowledge the pros and cons, you are proving my point by refusing to do the same. I have spent many years working with and supporting children, as well as studying early years and child development, so your argument that I talk with no knowledge of the subject is false. As I said, families need to weigh up the pros and cons and decide what is best. That is not lecturing. * *

@Cinderellanellabella

However, I feel those supporting the opposite side will refuse to even acknowledge that attending nursery full time from a young age could also have a detrimental impact

You are right that people tend to be quite blinkered on one side or the other in these discussions. It’s an emotive discussion.

I think the reason why many working parents find this very upsetting is because lots of people trot out this argument that attending nursery from a young age “could” have a detrimental impact. With emphasis on the “could” or “may” because in fact there is no hard evidence for this claim despite large scale studies being done and with many decades of children in childcare. There’s just no evidence that (good) childcare does harm children.

Yet though it’s very clear that there’s no evidence of any such damage people routinely wheel this argument out as a way to make working mums feel they are failing their kids.

When you are a parent who has to work to support your child it really sucks to hear strangers with the luxury of choice using poor science as an excuse to make you feel bad about the way you parent your children when you are doing absolutely everything.

By the way I fully support the right of mums to work or not work according to what they want. But being lectured by people who have the choice to sit around criticising others about the “detrimental effect” is something I just am not going to swallow.

Working in nurseries and seeing how tired and sad some of the kids were. Some loved it but some never settled no matter what and the parents were fobbed off about how miserable the child was every day. These kids couldn’t talk so just had a miserable life in my opinion. Also the way some places were and the way kids were treated. I wasn’t going to allow my children to set foir in a setting before they could talk.

I can’t imagine not being a SAHM as I can’t imagine leaving my child for any reason other than an emergency

how on earth do you put food on the table? The food dairy? Working to provide a roof etc is part of parenting. Surely, not being able to house and feed your child is an emergency 🤔

I can’t imagine not being a SAHM as I can’t imagine leaving my child for any reason other than an emergency

Yeah some of us need to work to support our kids. I’d say that qualifies as an emergency.

I think that, unfortunately, when it comes to this issue a lot of people will dig their heels in and refuse to see the perspective from other sides. I am a SAHM and love it and it works well for our family. However, I acknowledge and recognise the argument that if a lot of women opt to give up work after having a child then it could lead to inequality in the workplace. I also acknowledge that a lot of women would be left vulnerable if they give up work. I am fortunate to have a substantial amount of my own savings and a proportion of the family income is set aside for me to top up those savings and my own pension, not every women would be in a fortunate position to do this. However, I feel those supporting the opposite side will refuse to even acknowledge that attending nursery full time from a young age could also have a detrimental impact. However, I say this as a person who previously worked for over 10 years in Early Years, so I am definitely not against nurseries. My point is that there are pros and cons to both, you have to weigh these up for yourself and decide upon what is best for your family.

This. And what happens if your marriage or relationship goes tits up, as most do. You are totally vulnerable.

But why do you have to be SAHM? Go to work. Much better from your own financial security perspective as well. Stop being a martyr to it, life’s too short.

Yes, this is exactly how I felt with my four children.

@ToddlerMama27 thanks for your msg!

I can’t imagine not being a SAHM as I can’t imagine leaving my child for any reason other than an emergency 🤷‍♀️

Actually had to leave my child to earn money to feed my baby. Thanks

OP do not think about it a second longer. Get yourself back to work. you will be back to your normal self in no time.

@Bamboozles What a shame you're not enjoying your precious baby. These are the best of times! You are the in a very privileged position. One year olds are so entertaining. What did you do at work that is so exhilarating? Most jobs are repetitive too

What an absolutely condescending post. I’m sorry that you have only experienced boring, repetitive work, but that’s on you.

As I said above, I worked full-time (and more) AND looked after ours full-time together with DH who also worked full-time, doable by working opposite shifts/days, thus saving the high daycare fees. I can assure you that 1yo’s are FAR more repetitive than my job at the time and honestly very dull in comparison. Whilst I loved my kids very much I found it mind crushingly dull and the only way I could do it was knowing that I was able to run out the door at some point and do something that wasn’t. If I hadn’t had that, I honestly could not have done it. It also made me appreciate why so many of my mothers/grandmothers generation literally lived on things like Valium and Bex due to the sheer relentless of child rearing with no escape.

I’m hoping that your ‘fix’ to this is not that only people with dull, repetitive jobs should have kids?

So don’t use a nursery? It’s not rocket science. Other forms of childcare are available.