To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

What happens to the careers of the parents if they take years out to stay at home.

Not everyone has a career. Most people have jobs. Either way, they'll be there when you're ready to go back. They really will.

In your case why didn’t you return to work and your DH stay at home?

DH earns more than me. I would have found it harder to leave DC.

Often the father ‘claims’ to have the important job which has no flexibility to cover nursery/school drop offs and collection or take time off to look after their DC’s when too ill to go to nursery or school.

Strangely few fathers appear to get on board with the career sacrifices and economic dependence involved in this.

It might be best for you but it wouldn't be best for me.

A SAHM who doesn't want to be a SAHM isn't best for anyone.

That would have meant one of us sacrificing our career. Typically that person is the woman due to the gender pay gap.
Therefore this would mean women being disproportionately underrepresented in the labour market and there being even more of a skills shortage in female dominated industries such as education and health.

Not to mention the fact that many families red two incomes just to make ends meet.

How does this works practically?

Thankfully I’ve never had a guilt for our choices- happy, healthy and successful DC’s and parents.

Children don’t live at nursery, it’s only the working day. Parents still bring them up and make all the decisions about them.

What happens to the careers of the parents if they take years out to stay at home. In your case why didn’t you return to work and your DH stay at home?

And none of mine even remember being at nursery, they know they went there and have seen the photos but have no recollection. Same as if I’d have given up my career and had days out and endless group activities.

Curious so I asked my 17 year old ds what he remembers of nursery which he attended mostly ft since 1 year old. He said only slivers, like on the last day he found out there was a workshop and was disappointed he did not have a chance to play there. He remembered the balloons in the garden of the nursery. I asked him if he remembered that when he was 4 I was at home with him full time for 6 months. He did not remember that or the activities I took him to. He does not remember the aupairs that looked after him.

I think he had a reasonably happy pre-school years between nursery and his aupair and parents. No trauma as far as I can see. Doubt I would be able to do a better job being a SAHM, not that I would have wanted to.

However, my working throughout my career means his uni fees will be paid for, he will graduate without student debt and have a healthy downpayment for his first property. He definitely will remember this and the independent education he got.

These are the long term decisions that dh and I make as parents, not just who provides care to them as pre-schoolers, though that is an important factor in the mix. It is a balancing act, no one way is the right way.

I think it's best for the child to have a SAHP at least until they go to preschool.

And best for me.

Then part time through primary school.

I was a SAhM out of necessity, my hospital shifts and his working away lots was never going to work. I got bored eventually, and felt guilty, but getting a PT job that I could juggle myself was the best thing I did.

That's lovely. Definitely a sign of a good nursery as you say too.

DS's nursery is the same. Most have been there for years, including his keyworker.

I go by my son's behaviour too. He always reacts positively on drop offs, all smiles and waves.

DS was the same. He still talks about the turkey curry they used to make him 😂 I've never been able to get it quite right!!

He occasionally asks to walk home past the nursery so he can chat to the staff. Most of them are still there which is a sign of good nursery.

My son's keyworker babysits for us occasionally and has become an extended family member. Nothing but good things to say about nursery.

I go by my son's behaviour too. He always reacts positively on drop offs, all smiles and waves.

• confident not confused

The nursery we used did have cameras and many of the staff working there live locally so have become friends over the years.
Therefore I'm very confused in the quality of care that my son received.

And yes, parenting is so much more than the physical hours spent at home. My job as a parent isn't to be next to my son 24/7. It involves providing a home, food, clothes and a wide range of opportunities for him. It involves making decisions on childcare, education and extra curricular activities.
It involves creating a home environment where everyone's needs are met, including the parents.

Unfortunately people don't know what they don't know.

Parenting is far more than physical time spent with your children.

Exactly. Which is why it's incredibly short sighted when people say that working parents don't raise their children.

Parenting a child and raising them is about much more than physical time spent with them.

Challenging your frankly ridiculous comments doesn't mean that someone feels guilty.

Nursery care for my child, they don't parent him.

Do teachers parent children too or just nursery workers/childminders?

"not all care in a nursery"..

It's disingenuous to change my words. Also it's something you wouldn't ever know unless you have the nursery with cameras and /or someone who works there

Parenting is far more than physical time spent with your children?..

And some is absolutely outstanding! It's disingenuous to suggest that using a nursery automatically means poor quality childcare.

Parenting is far more than physical time spent with your children. You can't say that someone is a better parent just because they spend more hours at home with them. What if that time isn't spent interacting with the child? That's too simplistic an argument.

Parenting is far more nuanced.

Of course working parents love their child equally and part time working parents.
But there is a difference in being there to care for your child as many hours as you can? Being there for as many days and hours as you can as they grow and develop surley counts for something?

I agree with young that not all care in a nursery is that great.

Caregiving isn't the same as parenting.

I have siblings 15 and 18 years younger than me, and 41 cousins I grew up with, most of whom were much younger than me. When I had my own children I knew exactly how to take care of them so that side of things wasn't stressful. Feeding, changing, cleaning, playing with, that's the stuff nursery/nanny/childminders do. I didn't parent my little siblings, I just helped with the caregiving. I could give my little siblings back to my parents when they got too difficult; they couldn't just walk away.

But the parenting was stressful and difficult. Making the decisions, being responsible for how my children turn out, making sure they have everything they need - that is the stuff that parents don't outsource when they work outside of the home. A childminder doesn't get to make the important decisions about their mindees. They'll follow the instructions given to them by the parents. Parents don't stop being parents when they're out at work.

Since when is using childcare 'paying someone to be a parent'?
It isn't........

Who feels any guilt? I certainly don't. We made decisions that were right for our family. DS is nearly 10 and still talks fondly of his 'first school' and is still friends with many of the children he met there. He's a confident, happy boy - I can't ask for more than that.

Maybe try being less judgmental?

I don't accept that paying someone else to be the parent is as good as being the parent yourself. No-one knows the child better than the actual parent. Sorry I can't assuage your guilt.

That's exactly the same with my mother. My sister is a SAHM and she is always talking about what a good mother she is and how hard her husband works 'to provide'. She's never called me a good mother or complimented me about how hard I work to provide.

She doesn't like it when I call out her sexism. She claims that she's 'just traditional', like it isn't the same thing. 🙄