To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

before he was born - the imagining of all those baby groups and doing homework made crafts from nature and endless just joy and love and not wanting to send them off anywhere else.

once he was born - the desire to make sure I was always there for hospital and medical stuff, to make sure he wasn't even in hospital alone during the day, that we weren't struggling to attend appointments etc.

once he was 4 I started to consider work and got pregnant with twins.

once they were born - sheer practicality

Out of all of my friends, acquaintances and in laws, the only 3 sahms I have known have been a 15 year old whose Mum looked after them both, a friend who was married to a controlling DH from a different culture are wouldn't allow her to work and one with a very rich partner.

Apart from that we've all gone back to work after maternity leave and have continued to work. Xx

@SouthLondonMum22 Yes I think that's right. We lived in London when I was a SAMH in the 1990's and 2000's and pretty much all of my friends were SAHMs but by the same token a lot of the mothers who sent their children to our children's school had high level/high paid professional jobs/careers and we (the SAMHS) were definitely in the minority hence my post earlier about being asked when I was going back to work. But there's no doubt about it you can be in a bubble. we moved frequently in and around London and I always became friendly with other SAHMS.

I'm in London too and the only people I know who don't at least use a nursery part time, have family to help with childcare but they are a minority.

It does sound like you're in a SAHM bubble but like I think it was you who said before, I think it makes sense as a SAHM that you know so many SAHM's.

None of your friends or colleagues went back to work after maternity leave?

Nothing is restrictive though, @HappyBusman. It's London, so hardly a 'tiny echo chamber.' Nearly everyone is what you wouod describe as 'highly educated.' I have a postgrad degree, as do many women I know. I'm not sure what that has to do with the decision to be with your own children. Nobody is forcing them, it's just what many women actively want to prioritise. And they can, so they do. That's it really.

You sound as if you live life in some tiny echo chamber with bizarrely restrictive gendered practices. The people I know (and I’ve moved around the world a fair bit, so friends, family acquaintances are pretty widely scattered across different countries) who have become SAHPs have done so either because of a difficulty or unforeseen event (children with SN, redundancy/ unemployment, illness) and/ or for a time-specific period (temporarily trailing spouse with no work visa, difficulty in finding work having followed spouse’s job). I say ‘people’ because three of those I’m thinking of are male. All highly educated — many of these people I know from my postgraduate days in the UK, so all have at least one postgrad degree, often more.

Yes I agree with this, this was like me.... except perhaps the 'educated women' part lol😆

Thinking about it, I don't know anybody at all who used a nursery for a baby, either full time or part time. This is locally or friends who live outside London. I have a few friends who left the baby with a nanny in their own home, but that was after about 8/9 months at the earliest. Nobody ever mentioned nurseries for babies at all. It's like it wasn't even on the radar. It's not something that even occurred to me at any point.

True - I did the after school club collecting and met some other parents there but they were also collecting after work. I got to know some of them there as DT’s always wanted to stay a little longer to finish up the game or activity they were doing. Many of our weekends centred around school and sporting events - met more parents there.

That makes sense.

I went back at 3 months so it was very unlikely for me to get to know any SAHM's, other than like I said, the ones I know of because I work with their DH's.

I suppose if you go back to work at 6 months, you wouldn't know any SAHMs because they would be invisible to you. But if you are a SAHM yourself, it feels as though almost everyone else is, because this is what you see out and about in the day and who you socialise your kids with; who you see at activities and at the schools etc.

Some of the men I work with are married to SAHMs and my sister is a SAHM back in our hometown which is up North so not as expensive as London, she wouldn't be able to be a SAHM here. Like I said as well, growing up my mum was a SAHM, she never returned to work.

Other than my sister, I don't know personally know any SAHM's. Most mothers I do know seem to go back to work but part time, not full time.

Same here - I don’t know any SAHM’s. My DM and DMil both worked full time as did my DSis and DSil. We checked out nurseries where we lived (SW3) as soon as I got pregnant and was on the waiting list for our favourite one. A major panic when it turned out to be twins and needed to reserve two nursery places. My friends also all returned to full time jobs as soon as their maternity leave ended.

@WhiteNoise91 I agree 100% sent with this post

Sometimes what's lost in our modern age of social media and constant pulls on our time is the wonder of children - and this is not an SAHM v working mother argument but I feel privileged to have been a SAMH and I'm grateful finances allowed that to be the case. I loved everything about being a mother - being pregnant, babies (although I agree with the OP they are hard work and extremely tiring) but it improves as they get older and young children are a lot more interesting. Once they can walk and talk and develop their little personalities (and they can also understand simple instructions🙄) they are an absolute delight. That was my favourite time, getting down on the carpet and playing games with them, taking them out, teaching them to swim, taking them for walks or to the park. I used to keep a little book of their sayings and sometimes send them to women's magazines. One time one of our daughters went on a school trip to a zoo, when she returned I asked what she had seen there.
"Animals" - came the reply.😆

All parents have fun stories about their children - or at least should have.

I look on those days with a great deal of nostalgia and when they were older I would taking them to loads of places in and around London. People used to say me, "how do you manage with 3 then 4 children by yourself?" but the truth was they were always as good as gold.

children will never wish their parents worked more, but they’ll always wish mum and dad were at home more.

Enough said.

@sunray5 it's interesting how areas differ.
Where I live there are very few SAHMs. There are two nurseries, one in the village and one in the outskirts and they're owed by the same people. Pretty much everyone uses these nurseries and you need your put your name down when pregnant. They're both absolutely outstanding.
The kids then all go to the same primary school.

"Well,I certainly have. I do wonder whether you have, though!"

I am one and have been over many years and I have known / know probably hundreds of SAHMs over 20 years since we moved here. It's not a religious area. In this area and many others like it, probably most mums SAH, at least, for the preschool years. Many have nannies as well. I can't really think of anyone who used nurseries under the age of about 2. Nobody is really aware of where these full-time nurseries are. Certainly, I never heard it mentioned. People tend to put them in a playgroup for 3 mornings a week from the term they turn 3. The playgroup doesn't take them earlier. A good proportion remain SAHMs well into the teen years - this is usually larger families. They may develop new business interests on the side as the years progress, but it varies. Many of the dads work fairly flexi as well, increasingly so as the years have passed.

The areas I've lived in with the highest proportion of SAHMs have been religious conservative areas (Muslim and Jewish) that were relatively low income with large families but have set roles for men vs women.

The HNW people I know mostly both work (husband in finance, wife in law, etc). So YMMV, obviously.

@sunray5 "I do wonder if some people on here have ever met a SAHM."

Well,I certainly have. I do wonder whether you have, though!

I would make a terrible SAHM. I enjoy my job, and I like knowing that if something happened to DH then I won't have been out of the workforce and unable to support myself. Instead, I work flexible hours job and only have my 16m in nursery from 8-4. I still get some time with him in the morning and a few hours before bed, plus all weekend. It helps me to be the best version of myself honestly, but everyone is different.

Can you try making some mum friends with similar-aged babies and maybe rotate care for a few hours a week/a few times a week? That would give you some time to yourself.

No there isn't one type of SAHM, but SAHM / SAHD will be more prevalent in families where there are at least several children because there is a tipping point where juggling everyone and everything can get too much. Also, it stands to reason that having a very high income partner / husband / wife and a general context of financial security or underlying wealth (eg investments, other passive income, property) within a family unit makes the SAHP set up far more viable. Which is why there is a noticeably high preponderance of SAHMs in areas with a more wealthy demographic eg. Central or SW London or certain parts of Surrey, to name just a couple.

Less than 6% of the population of the UK attend private school. The group of people you describe rich enough to have 3-4 kids in private school and a cleaner and house help are very rare indeed, so I can only guess you move on rarefied circles and believe for whatever reason that this is typical when statistically speaking it is not.

The SAHMs I know have chosen to do so for various reasons. Some are very religious and conservative and believe women are best suited at home with their children, some have children with additional needs who require a lot of support, some simply prefer it and make it work on a single income but aren't wealthy by any means. I don't think there is one type of SAHM.

Lol at this portrayal of SAHMs as downtrodden in shabby clothes, chained to the ironing board. I know the pp was talking with nostalgia about the 70s or something... but it's 2024! I don't know a single SAHM that doesn't have cleaners, if not a housekeeper or au pair. They mostly send the ironing out. Hardly in shabby clothes either - they look fab on the whole. Most of them have 3 or 4 kids though - and that's quite enough. It's very different to having one or two, or twins who do everything at the same stage. Try having a baby at home, a toddler, one in reception and one in Year 2 etc and extrapolate that forwards - homework, school issues, dramas, exams, etc etc etc. You're all over the place. Plus they tend to have kids in very selective independent schools and put a lot of energy into supporting education, music, drama, sports or whatever it is they're into. Hardly shuffling round doing ironing all day. I do wonder if some people on here have ever met a SAHM. And of course they're educated women - very much so in most cases. They know precisely what they're doing and why it makes sense. It's hardly a woebegone life of no aspiration or choices. It's hilarious reading what some people imagine.

I found it much easier at this age due to naps. Make sure little one has one nap a day when you're at home and make sure you just chill or do something you want to do in that nap time. Once the naps stop I literally can't hear myself think anymore, it's constant full on, so defo get them signed up for nursery for when that starts 🫠

It’s unfortunate you didn’t work in some of the amazing nurseries - DT’s had a 1:2 ratio - the same that the DT’s would have got from me if I’d stayed at home. I don’t know any children in a nursery being brought up by the system. I have doubts that you actually worked in any nurseries if that is your view. Do you homeschool your DC’s?
Being a mother is the most important aspect - for both stay at home and working parents. Why would you think differently?