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AIBU?

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Original poster

Adult children not accepting my boundaries?

90 replies

VioletLemon · 27/12/2023 11:43

Just this really, any insight very much appreciated. Due to a few things, being a young parent, MH illness, abusive relationships I have somewhat tried to over compensate for feeling everything my DC struggled with in life was my fault. I thought this directly and indirectly. So I have not been v good at boundaries. They are all lovely and thriving but I perceive often hearing from them that I was to blame for their own difficulties. I have always assumed they were right. It's been very hard to process that the actions of 2 abusive partners isn't somehow factored in. Even though they were badly let down by those men. I accept it was my doing, getting involved, being so needy in the first place and ultimately ending both marriages for our safety. I feel the men are kind of treated with kid gloves and I am punished for now having boundaries. I'm in therapy and for first time as adults I put down a boundary, the DC all dramatically left. It seemed in protest. Basically they had brought 2 friends home at 2am to my house on Christmas eve and played v loud music and the house had a weed smell too. At 4am I said it needed to stop, they didn't listen. I snapped and shouted (after being nice for half an hour) and they all left. They were supposed to stay here. I feel so wronged and let down. Maybe it sounds ridiculous. I have a MH illness and if I have no tolerance when exhausted or pushed. I avoid all situations that are triggers and try to be as stable as I can. One of my DC is pretty entitled and to argue with me about the noise and then threaten to leave just feels so infantile. Was I wrong to push for this boundary after inviting my adult dc to stay for Christmas?

OP posts:
BrimfulOfMash · 27/12/2023 14:25

It sounds very upsetting OP.

Have they been in contact since? They stayed away for the whole of Christmas?

It sounds if you are right and the years of placating have left them with skewed boundaries. Which may well be something of an explanation but it doesn’t make it OK.

Any decent adult of their ages would have realised when asked at 4am that the request was more than reasonable. Yes, they are pushing back against newly applied boundaries but to treat you with such contempt? Heading towards abusive behaviour.

I think I would speak to them calmly. Tell them you love them unconditionally, and that you recognise that things were not ideal in their childhood, and are happy for them to talk to you about that. But you have a reasonable right to ask for an end to loud music at 4am without being treated with contempt.

Say you welcome moving forward from this and all supporting each other as a family.

Rocksonabeach · 27/12/2023 14:23

No noise after 11 pm with or without friends.
no drugs.
no friends invited back unless pre agreed

Ilovelurchers · 27/12/2023 14:22

The victim blaming on this thread is fucking disgusting. All of you joining in with it ought to be utterly ashamed of yourself. The abuse the men carried out is their responsibility, entirely.

The OP did not cause the men to abuse her. People do not go around with a label on their head conveniently identifying them as abusers. No doubt she did not know they would become abusive when she moved in with them. Like countless women through time. Like many women who use these boards.

OP, sounds like you moved on from both abusive relationships. Well done - that is brilliant. If you have experienced abuse in the past it can be harder to assert yourself, so well done on asking your kids to stop behaving in ways that made you feel unhappy in your own home.

Many young adults smoke weed and party against their parents wishes, whether or not they have abusive fathers. Your kids may also well be suffering problems from the abuse in their childhoods, as I am sure you know.

For that, you AND they deserve nothing but our sympathy. Nonetheless they ought to respect you, and not smoke drugs in your house against your wishes.

Take care of yourself and please don't be put off posting on here again. Normally it's not full of ridiculous victim-blaming horrors trying to ape each others' pathetic, thoughtless and cruel opinions. Usually you will find sympathy and understanding that being abused is not your fault.

Seas164 · 27/12/2023 14:18

Cherry2010 · 27/12/2023 14:12

Experience in DA within my own family has led me to feel some women just repeat destructive behaviour and drag kids through it. I feel for the kids, whatever their ages.

You might also know that children that have experience with DA can grow into mothers who carry on the cycle unless supported to make change. Compassion would be key here, especially from someone with experience.

WinterDeWinter · 27/12/2023 14:17

I don't think anyone is blaming the OP for the abuse - they're just acknowledging that the children have suffered because she didn't protect them from abusive men. Two things are true at the same time - the OP was abused (possibly susceptible because of her own childhood ), and the children suffered because she didn't protect them.

It's not blame - it's looking it all in the eye. No-one benefits when we refuse to do that. Acknowledgement of one's own impact on others is a part of rebuilding and repair which can't be skipped.

ETA: OP, I hope I don't sound like I'm attacking you - really don't want to do that, I'm sure you've had a terrible time. I just feel strongly that the only way to heal and move forward is to be very honest with ourselves and each other.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 27/12/2023 14:14

I sounds like you have only just starting setting boundaries - so as your children are all adults i think you can't be surprised if you get some push back now that you're trying to be assertive.
It sounds like they've been spoilt all their lives from you in terms of letting them do more or less as they please??
No blame from me on that - you had to do what you could to escape the abusive men and then bring up the children presumably on your own a lot of the time?? -But also you can't expect your adult children to change their perception of you overnight.

Perhaps once everyone has calmed down you can discuss with them that you are now in therapy for all the damage over the years and they can expect some changes in your behaviour.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/12/2023 14:13

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@Cherry2010

are you seriously suggesting OP should allow her adult offspring to bring randoms and drugs into HER home late Christmas Eve?! Really? If so, I would recommend you get some therapy to help you stop being such a Martyr.

Cherry2010 · 27/12/2023 14:12

Experience in DA within my own family has led me to feel some women just repeat destructive behaviour and drag kids through it. I feel for the kids, whatever their ages.

dapsnotplimsolls · 27/12/2023 14:12

Have you had any contact with them since this happened? Do they have any contact with their Dads? As others have said, you need to talk to them when everyone's a bit calmer and explain what will happen from now on.

Goingtothinkofone · 27/12/2023 14:11

YANBU.

Also this scenario is basically the plot of ‘manchester by the sea’ so you should be happy they didn’t burn the house down 🫠

Sorry if christmas was ruined. There will be more christmases, with better boundaries. In calmer moments explain the boundary and that it’s never too late to put in place some rules.

PiggieWig · 27/12/2023 14:10

Two separate issues here. Yes, they will have undoubtedly suffered as a result of the abusive relationships - but you also walked away to protect them. You did the right thing but you will all need support to move on from that.

That does not excuse your young adults acting like knobs from time to time. Totally ok to tell them to pack it in. I have done the same in similar circumstances. And if they don’t like it they can go elsewhere.

The 4am row won’t have caused irreparable damage, once you’ve all calmed down and slept it off.

NeedToChangeName · 27/12/2023 14:07

I'm quite shocked how many posters are blaming OP for "choosing" abusive partners. Clearly, a lot of ignorance still around re domestic abuse. I'll say it again for those at the back -

(1) OP was a victim in this situation

(2) the blame rests with the perpetrator, not the victim(s)

Unusualactualname · 27/12/2023 14:07

I don't think there are many boundaries that would accommodate the behaviour you describe in your OP, OP/

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 27/12/2023 14:07

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Because none of us is perfect? What a mean thing to say! Did you note the ages of the 'children' - one over 30, other two approaching it. Time to accept they have crappy fathers and give their mum a break.

willingtolearn · 27/12/2023 14:06

I suppose it depends on how they view you personally.

Are you someone they respect?

If not, trying to 'set boundaries' when they view you as someone who has not previously had boundaries is going to be difficult.

They may well feel resentful that it's all a bit late for you to start laying down the rules to them, when they have been damaged by your previous lack of ability to do this.

Cherry2010 · 27/12/2023 14:04

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Original poster
VioletLemon · 27/12/2023 14:03

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2023 11:56

I couldn’t follow all of that but generally speaking:

  1. if you brought abusive men into the home they will have undoubtedly suffered significantly

  2. of course they shouldn’t be disturbing your peace and bringing unwanted guests in the middle of the night.

Thank you, this is really helpful. No, they very much aren't children. 31,27,25. The men are father to eldest and other is father to the youngest 2. Been divorced for a long time but spent that long time trying to placate for the upheaval instead of enforcing boundaries for all of us. It feels quite shocking to hear adult children behaving in a gaslighting type of way because basically I am demanding to sleep. I suppose it's the shock that's making me feel so stupid about it all.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 27/12/2023 14:03

Adult children tend to blame their mum for everything, for the things they did or failed to do when they were children, but also for their own faults (if I'd been properly brought up, I would be a better person).

LlynTegid · 27/12/2023 14:02

I'm glad you do not accept illegal drugs in your house.

NonPlayerCharacter · 27/12/2023 13:59

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2023 11:56

I couldn’t follow all of that but generally speaking:

  1. if you brought abusive men into the home they will have undoubtedly suffered significantly

  2. of course they shouldn’t be disturbing your peace and bringing unwanted guests in the middle of the night.

Yes, basically.

Gillypie23 · 27/12/2023 13:52

Your kids probably have issues caused by their childhood for which you're responsible. However their now adults and should treat your home with respect.

NeedToChangeName · 27/12/2023 13:50

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2023 11:56

I couldn’t follow all of that but generally speaking:

  1. if you brought abusive men into the home they will have undoubtedly suffered significantly

  2. of course they shouldn’t be disturbing your peace and bringing unwanted guests in the middle of the night.

@Merryoldgoat

Yes, I'm sure they suffered significantly being in the same house as abusive men, but the blame / fault for that rests with the abusers, not OP

Blaming women for "choosing" an abusive partner / "failing to protect" is an approach that's fallen out of favour, thankfully

Seas164 · 27/12/2023 13:29

You feel wronged and let down. I'd say they feel wronged and let down too. There's a lot to unpick here and you will all need to put a lot of work and effort into doing that, well done for making a start.

Try not to get distracted by recent events, this is part of a much bigger and deeper picture.

heartofglass23 · 27/12/2023 13:28

Little sh**s

F*ck 'em

Fingeronthebutton · 27/12/2023 13:26

Butchyrestingface · 27/12/2023 11:58

Think this pretty much covers it.

Show quote history

You must accept that your behaviour has consequences. Very difficult, I know: but it’s a fact of life.
Im sure your children heard much worse when growing up.
You have every right to remove someone from your house, but no rights to blame your children for the behaviour they learnt from your abusive partners.