Adult children not accepting my boundaries?

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!

This is from 2023!

Not helpful in any way …. Just diggy

I hope they have stayed away so that your home is your sanctuary, OP.

You’re not wrong to implement boundaries, whatever age your children are. Actions have consequences and the more they understand that and see you advocating for yourself and implementing boundaries, the more chance they have of having healthy relationships and behaving appropriately in the work place and in society.

I don’t think you should be all to blame, you were one parent, the dads can also pay for counselling. Their children too

They've had a lifetime of learning the family culture.
If you make changes you need to lead and bring them with you, you can't pull a rabbit out of the hat and expect miracles.

So talk to them about how things were, how you understand the effects on them, why you those life choices were made at the time and the consequences of it on everyone. Tell them you are trying to create a better future than the past and that you are learning better ways of conducting relationships and life, that you want them to join you in little changes that will provide a better family environment so everyone can live peacefully, which you recognise has been missing but you would like them to share with you.
Help them see that where you're going is a together that learns from the mistakes of past and sells not to repeat it, but to provide a place where everyone can be heard and try to support each other.

They're your kids, so though you were young damaged and foolish, to them you were the all powerful adult, a fixed entity and a known quantity.
Do they even know you are trying to make personal changes, improve your boundaries (this will need to be tactfully done given how much damage your previous lack of boundaries will have caused... So it will seem incredibly hypocritical if you don't introduce the changes carefully) and expect them to go along with this?

To instigate these changes without causing resentment will need you to talk and listen, explain, be respectful as well as expect respect and give them time to ask questions, challenge the changes and adjust.

If you do it well, you will hopefully improve the family culture without damaging your relationships.

Yeah but that’s not the question.

The question is whether she was ok to tell adults at 4am to stop playing noise and smoking weed which surely, we can all agree on.

I’m sure the OP will spend the rest of her life regretting her previous decisions without a bunch of keyboard warriors piling on. She wasn’t asking for anyone’s input on what she should or shouldn’t have done decades ago.

I think in this case ‘boundary’ is the appropriate word.

You can have a boundary even when you aren’t in a position to set rules for other people, and ‘wish’ implies an element of uncertainty.

The OP can set a boundary, but can’t control how others react, and if she has a history of difficult relationships, that is an important distinction to understand.

@Nowdontmakeamess

How refreshing. I totally agree with you. Women are not always vicitims and it is possible to have mental health and other issues without subjecting your children to abusive men.

they ought to respect you

It’s not victim blaming to point out that the reason they don’t respect her or have a good relationship with her is because there is probably a lot of anger and resentment that their mother didn’t protect them when they were young and put them in situations where they were abused or witnessed abuse in their own home.

All this ‘women are the victims’ talk ignores the fact that they are responsible for their children’s safety and makes it seem as though nothing could be done to prevent it. If more women prioritised their children and didn’t even contemplate new relationships while they are young there would be far less abused and traumatised children in the world.

So at 4am you laid down the boundary. They didn't listen to begin with, but after 30 mins you yelled and they left. So you've enforced the boundary, and they have responded. Job done. Don't apologise, Don't back down. Now they know you mean business.

In terms of the history/what they suffered from their father/stepfather, of course this will have a bearing on your relationship. You need to take responsibility for your actions but that doesn't mean you need to accept them playing loud music in the middle of the night or taking drugs in your house.

Please stop using the word boundaries you clearly don't even have the excuse of being Gen z if you have adult children. It's pretentious and irritating just say houserukes or wishes or literally anything else.

Seems like you’re kids have learnt how to abuse you.

OP this is a totally normal part of boundary setting, especially at the beginning when other people aren’t used to you having rules you enforce.

Your kids expected things to go one way and when they didn’t they were caught by surprise, because you don’t normally put your foot down and they expected they could do as they pleased even though you’d said no. When that turned out not to be the case they initially got defensive and left because they aren’t used to having a line there that they can’t just cross over. They’ll get used to it.

They’ll get used to you having rules (the more consistent you can be about those rules the better for everyone). They’ll get used to you meaning what you say when you ask them to do something. They may not spend as much time at home - some of the things you want and some of the things they want may be incompatible. But that’s okay (assuming they’re adults). They can have their boundaries too. Part of the point of having boundaries is so that people can find ways to get along together that work for all of them and that can mean spending less time together.

Also I think the OP maybe being hard on herself dragging all history into this. This behaviour sounds a bit like my brother in his early 20s, he was never abused, he was just a spoiled brat / indulged youngest. Parents finally put down boundaries in his mid 20s and he’s lovely now.

Some people just behave like arseholes until you incentivise them to behave otherwise so even without the DV they may have been like this @VioletLemon

@beastlyslumber and others.

it’s all beside the point.

should she allow noise and weed at 2am because her kids were abused? No.

Should she be allowed some boundaries? Yes.

All the rest of the history around culpability in DV scenarios is way off topic, not what the OP was asking mumsnet to opine on, and something it will take that family a generation and loads of therapy to deal with. A bunch of keyboard warriors without the detail or context are only ever, ever going to make that worse.

Maybe its time for a bit of honesty you need to tell them all you didn't leave their abusive fathers for them to step into their shoes and treat you like they did.

This ^^

Your DC are adults now and have been for a good few years yet they all behave like the men that you tried to protect them from and show you no respect, from that point you should find it laughable when you hear them bleating about a shite upbringing while they're following that very same pattern.

After years of doing pretty much as they please they're not suddenly going to listen when you start asking for respect though.

There comes an age when you own up to responsibility and decide which path to take and they've decide that the path will be the same as their fathers.

Maybe its time for a bit of honesty you need to tell them all you didn't leave their abusive fathers for them to step into their shoes and treat you like they did.

IMO you certainly didn't do anything wrong in asking them to be respectful at such an unearthly hour, it's their lack of understanding that made them leave not you personally.

You aren’t wrong to set boundaries, but your expectations of how they react to them might be unrealistic.

That is the best definition of a boundary I have seen in a long time. 😃

OP, of course you aren't wrong to set boundaries. With hindsight, you could have and should have said that they weren't to bring people back without prior agreement with you, must not smoke weed or anything else in your house and must not play loud music at stupid o'clock in the morning.

Just make sure now that they realise those are the rules. If they don't like them and aren't prepared to abide by them then they don't come to your house. Your house, your rules!

I wouldn't have anyone doing drugs or smoking in my house at all. Nor playing loud music at antisocial hours. I'd throw them out if they tried to push it, or argue with me.

THIS
Its just basic decency and respect.

Yes, OP was a victim of abuse. Her children were also the victims of that abuse and of OP's failure to protect them from that abuse.

We don't know the circumstances and how long OP stayed with those men or what she did to get away from them. We do know that no matter how much or how little she did, her kids are going to have felt the impact of her lack of protection of them. And of course it's easier to blame their mum than their abusive fathers, even if she did everything she could.

It's not victim blaming. No one is saying she's responsible for the abuse she experienced. But it's more complicated than just being a victim. Unfortunately, it's a complex and traumatic situation which has damaged her relationship with her now adult children.

I’m not blaming - I’m stating facts - they will have suffered by having abusive men in their lives, especially at home.

And whilst it’s always the abuser’s fault there are certainly bad choices made by survivors that do not help.

And a child in an abusive home doesn’t care much that their mother is also a victim - they just know they are living with the consequences and can’t change them.

Im still angry with my mother for the chaos of our life. I understand it was complicated and not easy but she made choices which affect lives now 30 odd years later.

Do any of your sons still live with you? If so, I think it's time they got somewhere else to live.

After all you've been through I think your home needs to be your safe and happy place. Your sons can visit but at the first sign of disrespect they should leave. I wouldn't let them bring friends to my house, wouldn't let them smoke weed in my house, and wouldn't let them stay the night.