Christmas slave for the in-laws

Have you never hosted Christmas before? This is pretty standard stuff sadly!!

You don't think the teenagers could've helped with dishes after spending 5 hours on their arses in the back seat watching Tiktoks?

I wouldn't expect anyone who's in a car for 10 hours to be doing meal prep, tidying or doing dishes tbh.

But they should contribute financially and not be waited on.

Although maybe not quite this I also think there's more going on here.

Likely SIL doesn't want to stay over at PIL because the kids will be bored and she'll have to make small talk for days, or there's some historic feud. Or she just doesn't enjoy their company. However they feel they should "make the effort" so decide to get it over with in one day. PIL have a history of tiptoeing around BIL and SIL and not expecting them to do anything once they've graced them with their presence. Probably don't want to risk pissing SIL off any further. You just got caught in the crossfire.

I can see both sides.

After a five hour drive of course they will be too exhausted to do loads but you can preempt this by setting out tasks in advance.

From the beginning as soon as they announced they were coming you should have made the starter and dessert their contribution, and leave them to organise it in the kitchen - leaving only the main course for you and dh. Put the wine on ice on the table and at the end summon everyone including dc to help clear and clean.

Next time find your voice and tell others to help!

You offered to cook but surely you must have been offering drinks etc to be involved in that? Stop serving people. Your PILs could have sorted drinks if it's their house, that couldn't be too difficult or just tell BIL/SIL to help themselves. Don't offer then complain when people accept your offer.

The hard and fast rule in our house is that the cook doesn’t clean. That’s the rule for every meal (unless you’re just cooking for yourself). Make it the rule in your house - at least at Christmas. My DP and I both the food - cooked and served, family guest set the table, kids cleared up. People help themselves to drinks. Dont be a martyr about it. Just ask.

It sounds to me tlike this was a transitional
Christnas arrangement where Pils were technically hosting and in charge of inviting bil family while you and dh took over the work. Even if you’re doing it the same way next year there will be a natural evolution of you two becoming the actual hosts, that requires you to communicate with guests rather than leaving it to pils.

Once the conversation has been had about where Christmas is being held, then you get in touch directly with bil’s family. It’s going to be a different dynamic if you or dh are asking if they’re coming/when they’re arriving/whether they’re staying over. The trick is probably to communicate in a normal way instead of letting the weird family dynamics stand. Normal is not allowing unanswered texts to dominate -

• I need to order food this weekend, let me know if you’re coming
• hi, just ringing to check about Christmas cos you must have missed my text
• hi sil , have you guys decided what you’re doing?

Ask them to bring desserts and drinks so you’re not carrying the cost or all the work. If they’re still rude enough to come at the last minute with no notice, I’d just serve up tiny portions for one year.

If they’re staying, leave a set of sheets on the beds for them to make up.

“Help yourself to drinks. Actually could you pour me one while you’re at it”

The thing is that none of this is rude or confrontational - it’s just normal. Be relentlessly normal.

This. It's far easier to manage the situation by being tactfully assertive in the moment than bending over backwards to drive people around all to avoid asking someone to wash up after dinner.

I think you have two options.

A) as suggested, invite the PIL to your house, pick them up and drop them off, overnight included if they’ll stay.

B) go to PIL but your DH contacts his DB no later than last week of November, asks him if he plans on coming, needs a response by December 1st, and if he comes, tells him what his responsibilities will be regarding food prep/clean up and contributing food and drinks.

I think its easier to ask for help clearing up and serving drinks then trying to get them to cook after a 5 hour drive or get you Pil to question them about plans.

Just keep your voice light and friendly ' Oh can you give me a hand to serve John'

'Right im knackered after all that cooking, at least the cooks dont have to clear up as well,'

'Can you wash and dry John and Linda, Ive got my hands full sorting out the leftovers'. etc etc

If they refuse to get up and help they just show themselves to be arseholes in front of everyone. When they ask for another drink or snack just say 'I think the crisps are in the top cupboard and bowls in the corner cupboard'

'Ice in the freezer and if you want a nice glass there in the cabinet' etc etc

Meet them half way in a country pub and all eat out?

Next year you ask ahead if they’re coming and if they are ask them what they can contribute, what parts they’ll bring to cook and serve.

sorry you went through that. My Xmas’s with inlaws were v similar and so we no longer go there 🤣

Just talk to your BIL, ask him what the plan is next year. Agree to split expense and workload. Presumably you and your DH aren’t terrified off him too?

That would be my guess too. It sounds like she is being cornered into something she resents.

Your p’n’law are 1hr away I would just pick them up and host at your’s

You make a booking somewhere closer to PIL’s that serve Christmas lunch for yourselves and them. Hang the expense and don’t include BIL & family, let them make their own arrangements.

If your PIL seem terrified of asking BIL what their plans are, surely you ask BIL so that you can plan for them!

I'm confused because SIL & BIL have no power to force anyone to wait on them hand and foot.

This. They are who they are, you can’t control that. If there is to be a next time, you have to decide not to be a Christmas dinner martyr.

This year I did almost all food prep the day before, and when it was time to eat I arranged it all on a side table and let everyone help themselves.

Afterwards I sat down in prime position on the sofa and got people to bring me drinks for the rest of the day.

Best host day ever!

I’m going to disagree about a few things. Whilst I think the ILs were very rude, I see zero point in regressing to childish arguments (you treated DW like a slave blah blah… it won’t land, believe me).

1. they drove ten hours to be there, which whilst being unecessary WAS a massive commitment and shit way to spend the day. I agree with pp that SIL was so pissed off with having to do it that she probably felt just as put out at the extra effort as you
2. tbf, I have had five ppl land on me a couple of days ahead of Christmas and it really wasn’t five times more efffort. Yes it was an effort and we had to buy a bit more but it wasn’t materially more than we were already doing
3. the way around this is to plan ahead next year. Decide where you’re hosting and then stick to it with a plan eg… if they’re coming, put them in charge of buying and pouring drinks etc. also - I don’t see why you can’t ask the teenagers to help with stuff like the dishwasher.

I think everyone was a bit shit here and will have different views on what actually happened. I also wonder if you guys are put out that they’re the “favourites”

I’d say the way to start a conversation is for your DH to say to his DB… what was going on behind that, why did you drive ten hours and only decide two days before. It’s not normal… there must have been a fall out somewhere on their side?

I mean, the obvious advice OP is: speak up.

Not sure what else there is to suggest.

Others have said it. Don’t wait on them hand and foot. Get them to help prep and/or serve food. Ask them to sort drinks. Tell them to wash up.

What other advice is there, really?

If you don’t feel comfortable doing that - and you obviously don’t, or you would have just done it - expect more of the same.

How stunningly rude of them. I expect to wait on guests when throwing a dinner party or similar, but family holiday celebrations are different. That's not entertaining, it's family gathering. Your BIL and SIL made it clear they do know the difference by announcing the 5 of them would be coming on Christmas 2 days in advance - that would be horrifyingly rude as non-family.

I agree with others that driving both ways to pick up & drop off your PIL so you can move the whole thing to your turf seems ideal. Either way, it's clear that this family is pants at communication and your BIL & SIL will absolutely take advantage of that, so it's time for you and DH to become very direct people. Set a clear deadline for when you need to know who will be attending, assign tasks, and just stop waiting on them. Reduce the amount of labor for there to be conflict over by arranging to purchase the main protein/desserts (labor-intensive parts of the meal that often benefit from professional cooking) from somewhere nice and ask BIL/SIL to split the cost if they'll be attending.

I think that a quick email to BIL from DH is not out of order… Maybe “Next time you will have to confirm a week earlier, contribute financially and help prepare the food and clean up or cater for yourselves. You owe @SweetBonanza a special thank you for adjusting the menu, shopping on hell day, preparing the food, serving you all and cleaning up afterwards. You treated her like she was a maid and neither of us are prepared to allow that to happen again.” They should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.

I thought this.

It's just like my brother. My parents wouldn't dare upset him as he's the favourite and as such he expects this from everyone and treats women like service humans.

I don't see my family at Christmas because of him because parents have to be available for him and I can't fecking stand him and won't have him suck the joy out of my children's Christmas or model to my children those gender roles.

I think next year you host pil at yours. If bil invites himself you say no. But in fairness he should host next year. Think of the parents like children of divorce take it in turns.