To think some romance scam victims are simply stupid?

Scammers are very clever. We had a family member "invest" in a company which turned out to be some sort of scam and then the scammers also sent emails offering to recover money paid out to the scammers.

Sometimes they don’t have to be clever. I read of many who felt hard done by after giving lots of cash to an Arab Prince. They thought they were being smart by not falling for the Nigerian scam but fell for this on the basis the person was not from Nigeria (???) and was a ‘real’ person because they Googled and he was a real live prince. They didn’t question why a real Arab Prince would be contacting some random in Bristol to assist with a current cashflow problem, on the basis it would be sorted imminently and then they would repay ten-fold. It just didn’t strike them that this would be unlikely to the point of impossible. Instead they felt outraged and one seemingly couldn’t even get it through that it wasn’t really that Arab prince and they were calling him out on it insisting he repay them. It was excruciating.

A lady I used to work with was talking to an 'American soldier based in Africa' and needed money for whatever reasons. She knew it was a scam but did consider sending the money, thankfully for her she was skint anyway so couldn't but we all told her it was a scam and she was still talking to this person and thinking of sending money 🤯

Indeed. A number of the women on the programme admitted to lying to the police & their bank when they were told it was a scam. Including today's edition. She lied to the police after the bank asked them to intervene and went on the send another £30,000 to the scammer. What on earth went through her mind?

I have an elderly family member who has fallen for a romance scam to the point of marriage.
Met online, sent money monthly for a year or so before paying for wedding ceremonies in their home country and the UK, along with funding all flights and visa costs. Bank has warned it follows the patterns of a scam multiple times. They are very obviously biding their time until family member dies (FM is mid-70s they are early 40s, separate beds, Facebook comments from friends saying well done on finding "a rich one", etc.), as they have quite a lot of savings. Have encouraged family member to alienate themselves and outright tell family to distance themselves as all money is to go to the scammer when they pass.
OTOH, family member is a nasty, abusive excuse of a person, so numerous warnings is more than they deserved.

God yeah, totally stupid!

I have nothing but sympathy for (say) a slightly confused older person who gets panicked and railroaded into giving access to their bank account.

I've rather less for someone who thinks Brad Pitt has fallen in love with them online and even more bafflingly, needs their money. The same applies to very ordinary men who open their wallets because they are in a "relationship" with someone of supermodel level looks. In the absence of a MH issue, it does speak of a considerable ego/level of self delusion to think that these are possibilities, IMO.

Honestly I know you thought you were being smug and clever there, but it came across the opposite. Engage in a conversation, but trying to big yourself up by putting others down, just looks cringe worthy.

I mean, you even see this sort of stuff on Mumsnet!

I’ll never forget the woman whose husband got drunk and slept all day all through their all-inclusive holiday and she befriended a young hotel worker who helped her out and played with her kids while her husband slept. They stayed in touch after she flew home and then he asked her to send him money because his phone broke so she did?!

Very young men do not just randomly develop a soft spot for married middle aged women with children… I would have been suspicious from the start!

Yep and ultimately we all end up paying for it if the bank refunds them!

Those of us with a more nuanced, sympathetic and, I'd say, intelligent view of how people can get manipulated.

Calling people in these situations stupid feels like punching down. A lot of times they're lonely and desperate to be loved to the point of delusion.

Yes, we know it's stupid to send money to a stranger who is probably catfishing but it does a lack of empathy to not complete why people do this

Cults are very different, they often target the intelligent, so they can demonstrate this jewel and keep the cult going to other members. Romance scammers do not go after the intelligent. They play a numbers game and see who bites. Then keep the love bombing up. They play on vulnerability, desperation, vanity, loneliness.

Indeed. I've seen a number of TV programmes in which people's banks tried to intervene, brought in the police, etc. And then I've been astonished that they expect the bank to refund the money they send despite the bank's attempts.

God no don't engage.

The people who send these messages are trafficked into "working" (more akin to slavery or at least indenture) for really dodgy international criminal networks with very very bad people in charge. You can't do anything about it and best to steer well clear.

I’m one of those who voted YABU. I don’t think it’s fair to say victims are stupid, for reasons others have said on here (we don’t call victims of other types of abusive or exploitative relationships “stupid”:
we understand that it’s a complex series of factors that make people vulnerable and also that it’s the fault of the abuser not the victim).

But also, it was said for a long time that people who get caught up in cults are stupid. However, research has shown that people who do are often more intelligent than normal, not less, and it’s certain emotional vulnerabilities plus very clever grooming from the cult that draws them in. The parallels with romance grooming/scams seems obvious to me.

Honestly you don’t want to engage. I get it a lot on insta, handsome looking men , often in the military in the us it seems, following me, wanting to start a conversation.i just block.

i got one on Facebook the other day, I checked out his profile before I declined , he had so many friends, at least a couple of hundred. And not one was male. Not one. Every single friend was a woman.

what stunned me, is these women obviously accepted the friend request. And I’d bet good money, real good money, not one of them knew who this man was.

I dunno. I guess everyone has their weaknesses. The kind of weaknesses that scammers use to set their marks on targets though, these are exactly the kind of weaknesses that we all need to be a bit more mindful of in general. Isolation, physical illness, mental illness, learning disabilities, imperfect socialisation - they're all slow burn things that aren't too difficult to accommodate in society : I mean, we aren't talking about people who are dangerous or who negatively impact others, mostly it's a question of having a bit more patience and giving people a bit more time and the benefit of the doubt. Possibly if we were all more set up to do that then they wouldn't be so vulnerable to this particular kind of crime.

Of course they are, but being stupid isn't a crime and makes people very vulnerable- they still deserve to be protected.

Oh I would have to reply to a few just to waste their time. Would be fun

Who are the 7% of people who think YABU? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely . It’s a numbers game. When on holiday, I’ve had young local men come up to me, tell me I’m beautiful etc.ask to meet me for a drink. If I was vulnerable, lonely, desperate, it would be very easy to say yes.

To believe that they were actually interested in me. That maybe they did think I was beautiful. To go and believe the love bombing. To get sucked in. To go along with the demands, to keep the love bombing coming, to not want to believe you’re that person, the one they make tv programs about. The one who fell for the scam. That he didn’t think you were beautiful. He doesn’t love you. It was all for money, a visa, with easy sex thrown in.

the reality is harsh. That he didn’t think that, just you were a vain lonely older woman who was desperate. A mark.

Fortunately I’m happily married, so in girls trips it’s easy for me to raise an eye brow, say no and turn away. But I can see if I was very lonely, no one interested, that maybe just maybe someone telling me I am beautiful, that I am special, that they’d do anything to be with me. Maybe I’d want to believe that they really thought that.

you’d hope they stopped believing that when it came to handing the cash over, but by then they are in too deep and desperately want it. Convinced themselves it is real love. And the bank account opens.

There is definitely a certain type of person who can be easily manipulated, my parents had some friends when I was younger who were always on to some get rich quick scheme and were always on the bones of their arse.

I read on here about the “shark cage theory” and it makes so much sense.

I am a middle aged woman who doesn't turn heads in my usual UK streets.

If it started happened with men half my age just because I happened to be abroad, well I'd think something was up!

I am often contacted by these fake accounts on Instagram - all claiming to be on peace-keeping missions in Syria. One took on the identity of an actual, high-profile, American military officer that my Husband had met and worked with IRL. I had great fun toying with this account before dropping the bombshell that I knew it was fake - with proof!

I don’t think anyone has mentioned on here that anyone can be “hooked” into love and it is usually a while before any money is asked for, by which time the person is in love and has started to trust whatever the partner is saying.

even if you've never met them in person???