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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
Jengagill · 19/12/2023 19:25

Absolutely not

Hart92 · 19/12/2023 19:20

Nope! Regardless of the fact he has had sporadic contact so has no 'right' over special occasions. You're still breastfeeding and it's 2 hours away. 10 month old shouldn't be in a car for 2 hours without a break/ feed anyway. Just no on all counts. Stand your ground!

Sjh15 · 19/12/2023 19:19

Nope nope nope. Sounds like that babies dad is practically a stranger and baby won’t be familiar with the house. If they can’t be bothered to turn up to things you invite them to then it’s on them that they don’t have that sort of relationship where they can have baby without you there yet

Joyjoy90 · 19/12/2023 19:18

What is wrong with these people? I'm sorry you're entangled with them, they sound like arseholes. Given the people involved here I would get some written custody arrangements in place so they are fair and enforceable. And keep meticulous records of everything.

Original poster
confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 19:02

LeggyLegsEleven · 19/12/2023 14:58

Was he going to pick you up on Christmas Day? So driving for 8 hours?

Not me, just baby.

It's not happening though, I've told him.

OP posts:
DragonMama3 · 19/12/2023 19:00

Quality not quantity op

wronginalltherightways · 19/12/2023 17:14

He's actively using the 'I and my family didn't want you to have the baby' line every time you mention they're being unreasonable, essentially.

Stand firm with your No.

Enjoy your baby's first Christmas.

LeggyLegsEleven · 19/12/2023 14:58

Was he going to pick you up on Christmas Day? So driving for 8 hours?

CarpetSlipper · 19/12/2023 14:42

He’s not on the birth certificate and neither he or his parents wanted the baby and if you ask for any support you get told you chose to do it on your own?
Tell them all to fuck off, your child will be better off without them.

InefficientProcess · 19/12/2023 14:35

Stop listening to him.

Create a new email account just for contacting him. Check it twice a week. Only communicate with him through it.

He’s not going to take you to court about contact. If he really cared about seeing his child, he’d have made arrangements to do so during his time off.

Instead he is demanding to have a trophy to show off on Christmas Day.

Maybe it’s not driven by his family. It may be that he feels his image with his extended family will be tarnished if he doesn’t show off the prop baby - they might all recognise that he’s an absolutely useless father who barely sees his child.

samqueens · 19/12/2023 14:34

OP - as everyone here has said you are NOT being unreasonable, quite the opposite.

really recommend you download the Lundy Bancroft book on Apple Books/kindle app as your Christmas present to yourself, I promise it will help.

In general when trying to navigate this difficult situation on your own over the weeks/months/years ahead this is the perspective that really helped me…

“If my child came to me as an adult and questioned my choice in X situation, would I feel happy to explain it to her truthfully - do I think it would still seem reasonable in that scenario?”

For example

Child: Granny says she didn’t get to see my on my first Christmas because you wouldn’t let dad bring me to her house and you stopped them giving me presents.

You: I invited your grandparents and your dad to visit on your first Christmas Day and spend time with you, but they didn’t take up the offer. You were a young baby, fully breastfed and I felt that being with me was non-negotiable at that time.

Seems pretty reasonable to me!

I found this thinking very useful and hope it can help you too from time to time. It’s not about always making the ‘right’ decision - there isn’t always a right/wrong. It’s about growing confidence in your own position and making sure that your choices are based on a reasoned and fair approach which help form a basis for a strong and trusting relationship between you and your LO, rather than just “your dad’s a twat so it’s fine for me to do x, y, z” (as true as that may often be).

Don’t let them get in your head. Good luck 💐

FictionalCharacter · 19/12/2023 14:28

Easipeelerie · 19/12/2023 12:45

When you’re tempted to doubt yourself, remember that he and they are being entirely unreasonable and you are being entirely reasonable. Try to ignore your feelings and focus on the facts.

Exactly this. And again: stop taking what he says seriously. You know you're right and he's wrong. Have more confidence in yourself.

SavBlancTonight · 19/12/2023 14:01

If I dare say anything I just get "I knew I'd be doing it alone"

Just throw this back at him then...

Him: "You're ruining Christmas and the baby deserves to know its grandparents."
You "But I'm doing it alone" or "You keep telling me I'm doing it alone so that also means I get to make all the decisions and do it in a way that works for me."

I am logging off MN for today as there are just too many wanker men being written about on here and it makes me sad.

Sauvblanctime · 19/12/2023 13:42

confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 12:38

I have said no, but I guess what I was asking is if I was being unreasonable, as they are making me feel I am.

Just for more context, my ex is off work this week and next. He lives an hour away from me anyway, but he's actually gone down to his parents for this week and next.

I would have thought with his time off he may have wanted to spend some more time with our DC. I know he lives an hour away but if he really wanted to he could have popped down every day while he was off work for a few hours, he knows I'd never say no unless I had other plans.

But he's at his parents enjoying Christmas nights out with his mates, pantomime with his family etc.

Maybe this is normal and it is me.

If I dare say anything I just get "I knew I'd be doing it alone"

You’ve just answered your own question

are YBU not letting him take his baby 4 hours round trip away to see people he doesn’t know

dad has two weeks off and has made NO PLANS to see baby in this time.

YANNNNNNNNNNBU

he is BVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVUAACF

don’t feel guilty or question yourself again.

x

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 19/12/2023 13:06

YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.

it sounds like they've been doing a great job of getting in your head and making you think you are. please listen to what the vast majority of posters are telling you here. your ex and his parents are selfish, inconsiderate and do not have your baby's best interests at heart. tbh, your child would probably be better off having less 'family' in their life rather than these uncaring assholes.

if you are keen to deal with your ex for ever more (well the next two decades at least), and give him a chance to step up as a parent, then follow the good advice you've been given here - all communication in writing, offer regular slots for visits/ supervised contact - and don't hope for more. i don't think this guy will magically change into a wonderful child-centred parent, and i'm glad he's your ex now.

Leavethebathalone · 19/12/2023 13:01

But make sure you keep a record of those messages incase he ever does take you to court. Messages showing he doesn't want active involvement and also ones showing you offer contact. I highly doubt he ever would though.

Leavethebathalone · 19/12/2023 13:00

confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 12:38

I have said no, but I guess what I was asking is if I was being unreasonable, as they are making me feel I am.

Just for more context, my ex is off work this week and next. He lives an hour away from me anyway, but he's actually gone down to his parents for this week and next.

I would have thought with his time off he may have wanted to spend some more time with our DC. I know he lives an hour away but if he really wanted to he could have popped down every day while he was off work for a few hours, he knows I'd never say no unless I had other plans.

But he's at his parents enjoying Christmas nights out with his mates, pantomime with his family etc.

Maybe this is normal and it is me.

If I dare say anything I just get "I knew I'd be doing it alone"

He can't have it both ways, he's either an involved parent or not. It it be so damaging for your DC as he grows up to be told, 'not my problem, I told Mum to abort you'.

thisisasurvivor · 19/12/2023 12:53

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:17

They've said the reason they don't see the baby is they don't want to be around me. They think I owe them an apology for the "stress" I put them through when I was pregnant (they didn't want me to have the baby).
I never had anything to do with them when I was pregnant I spoke to them twice and they never tried to be involved. I'm in my 30s not a child and so is their son.

I get they don't want to see me but I've also been trying to get their son to build up a relationship with DC then he could take the baby on his own but he hasn't done this.

The thought of my baby being confused or upset on Xmas makes me so sad.

If they really cared and really wanted to see DC they'd come here wouldn't they?

Can you block them all and ask for these requests to go through a solicitor

Send your solicitors details?

They are very abusive
This is not ok op xxxxxxxxx

Starlightstarbright2 · 19/12/2023 12:45

I am glad you said no .

i would say him and family are welcome to visit Boxing Day but you expect to be respected in your own home .

He isn’t really interested just block out the white noise ..

there was no reason to forward the text other than to try make you feel bad .. so simply grey rock this stufff.

if he wants to be involved let him to the chase to see baby you have enough to do - if they want to see the baby they travel . It isn’t up to you to do everything

Easipeelerie · 19/12/2023 12:45

When you’re tempted to doubt yourself, remember that he and they are being entirely unreasonable and you are being entirely reasonable. Try to ignore your feelings and focus on the facts.

SunRainStorm · 19/12/2023 12:44

Oh wow- fuck that whole horrible family.

You're on your own, you get no support- so you call the shots.

Don't question your decision for one moment, you did the right thing by DC.

Stay strong OP. Your baby is lucky to have you.

MargotBamborough · 19/12/2023 12:43

confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 12:38

I have said no, but I guess what I was asking is if I was being unreasonable, as they are making me feel I am.

Just for more context, my ex is off work this week and next. He lives an hour away from me anyway, but he's actually gone down to his parents for this week and next.

I would have thought with his time off he may have wanted to spend some more time with our DC. I know he lives an hour away but if he really wanted to he could have popped down every day while he was off work for a few hours, he knows I'd never say no unless I had other plans.

But he's at his parents enjoying Christmas nights out with his mates, pantomime with his family etc.

Maybe this is normal and it is me.

If I dare say anything I just get "I knew I'd be doing it alone"

You are not being even the slightest bit unreasonable.

Ask yourself this.

What is in your baby's best interests on Christmas Day?

Doing a four hour round trip in the car to spend two hours being passed around between people he has pretty much no relationship and completely messing up his routine?

Or staying at home with his mum?

The only person whose welfare you are responsible for is your baby.

Don't compromise your baby's welfare, even for one day, for the sake of these people.

Is your ex paying maintenance?

Original poster
confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 12:38

I have said no, but I guess what I was asking is if I was being unreasonable, as they are making me feel I am.

Just for more context, my ex is off work this week and next. He lives an hour away from me anyway, but he's actually gone down to his parents for this week and next.

I would have thought with his time off he may have wanted to spend some more time with our DC. I know he lives an hour away but if he really wanted to he could have popped down every day while he was off work for a few hours, he knows I'd never say no unless I had other plans.

But he's at his parents enjoying Christmas nights out with his mates, pantomime with his family etc.

Maybe this is normal and it is me.

If I dare say anything I just get "I knew I'd be doing it alone"

OP posts:
Rachaelrachael · 19/12/2023 12:29

This is giving me the rage!!
OP just say no!
I wouldn't do a 4 hour round trip on Christmas day to visit anyone, never mind these idiots who do not care about you or your baby.
This is your first Christmas with your lovely baby, why are you even giving this any head space?

Just say NO, leave the door open for them to visit you, then turn your phone off. Done.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 19/12/2023 12:25

Imo just send them stock pics of 'A 'baby... They care not a jot..