Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

I would wonder whether or not part of him/them knows its not possible and is saying he/his mum can do the old "we tried so hard 😪 I told you she was impossible and kept the baby from us!" to the family/friends when anyone with braincells knows its an impossible ask of an ineffective and absent father.

I believed my STBXH about his threats to take me to court.

I sobbed in my solicitor’s office as I explained the problem. She was brilliant. Totally reassuring.

She very clearly explained that men like him rarely follow through with their threats of court. And even if he did, I have nothing to fear from a court order.

His response to her emails very clearly showed that she was right. It is all bluster and he just wants to control me.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to make an appointment with a solicitor. The initial assessment appointment may even be free and will give you the reassurance you need.

You need to ensure you have the correct information so that he can’t scare you and use that to control you.

Honestly see a solicitor. It will reassure you.

my STBXH has the means to take me to court. But he won’t. Because the court will insist on a set schedule in the child’s best interests.

The court isn’t going to say that he gets to decide on a daily or weekly basis whether he feels like seeing the child and tell me to make DS available. That’s what my ex wants.

A CAO would also strip him of any power to influence and control my life. He’d have set contact times and he couldn’t prevent me from doing anything during my time. What he wants is to be able to demand to see DS in 2 hours time and then throw a tantrum about me ‘denying him access’ if I say no.

Solicitors have seen men like this so many times. They shout about their rights and make demands. They threaten to go to court. But the reality of the view the court will take and the loss of control it will bring means they don’t do it.

STBXH sometimes shouts about 50-50. Except he tried to do 50-50 with his older kids. It fell apart in less than 3 months. And that was with me picking up the slack/helping with school runs etc. He has gradually dropped contact to one midweek and EOW with Friday night for himself. Hes often away on the midweek so that doesn’t always happen.

There is absolutely no way he can manage 50-50 with our DS, especially not alongside that contact arrangement. His other children live an attend school 15 miles away from where I live (and DS goes to nursery/will go to school). He can’t do the school runs required for all three children. He knows a court will recognise this. He doesn’t actually want 50-50 because he’d have to do things.

It’s all just empty threats! And he self-identifies as a martyr. He wants to create a fictional narrative of how his nasty ex denies him access.

See a solicitor. Get some advice.

I think whether courts appear to be very bad is in the case of abusive, useless men who have existing relationships with their dc. They seem to think these should be continued even when the men are, at best, unreliable and flakey and, at worst, genuinely abusive.

Situations like this are different and in both real life and on MN I have seen many similar cases where the man threatens court but does nothing or, if he does actually take it to court, he gets laughed out the room.

He does not have parental responsibility.
He has limited contact with baby
He refuses any kind of set schedule to see baby
He has zero experience of being with baby without your presence

Basically, a court would absolutely tell him he can and should have contact. But no court is going to insist he takes the baby away for an entire day by himself at this point.

Encourage court. He would be told he has to stick to a contact schedule. He won't.

'I'd like to take my ex to court because she refuses to drive my 10 month old baby 4 hours on Christmas Day to my Mummies house where I'll be spending the day' Has she refused access? 'No, she invited us all around but I want to go to my Mummies at Christmas' 'Would you like regular contact?' 'No, I'm too busy to make regular time for my baby' 'Would you like parental responsibility?' 'No, I told her to abort so baby is her responsibility 'OK, Mr Manchild, if you pay me £450 I'll happily explain that court would recommend regular short contact that builds up and that you'd need to go to mediation before you can take her to court'.

Keep everything, op. Texts, emails, letters, social media messages, answerphone messages - everything. Keep a journal of his interactions with you. Who said what and how it made you feel.

I wouldn't interact with his parents (who wanted you to terminate the baby, expect you to apologise for keeping and don't want to be around you). Just with the baby's father.

Offer contact on your terms - scheduled, at a place convenient to you, in a neutral public space etc. Always be seen to be open to sensible arrangements and be able to prove you are.

Don't go alone to meet them all. It's easy for three to bully and undermine one.

Continue to decline all attempts to get you to let them take the baby for Christmas. They're not a toy or a pet. At this age, separation can be distressing especially as your baby doesn't really know the father's side of the family.

You and your child are a unit. They don't get one without the other.

Let him take you to court, @confusedex2.

You have nothing to fear. He will get a nasty surprise.

But make sure you keep copies of all communications between you so you can show the court that you have been more than willing to facilitate contact but he wants everything on his terms.

Read what @InefficientProcess says.

Let him take you to court. Don't see it as a threat, rather as a wake up call for him. He'll soon realise he has shot himself in the foot when he loses the flexibility you allow him and some of that power he holds over you.

Which is why you offer him to come on Xmas day and then that's that. No court would expect you to drive 2 hrs to facilitate access. The NRP usually has to make the effort

You don't want your Christmas Day plans interrupted by having to travel there.

And you are the baby's only caregiver, the only person with parental responsibility, which means they see the baby on your terms or not at all.

Who gives a shit what they want?

My STBXH regularly threatens to take me to court over ‘his access’ to DS. (The use of the phrase access to rather than contact with is telling!)

He does it every time I don’t just give in to his (last minute) demands.

My solicitor wrote to him and asked him to propose a regular contact schedule in DS’s best interests. He refused to. He went on and on about how it must be flexible etc, etc. (flexible around his wants, not anyone else, of course).

My solicitor has advised me that he is very clearly not going to take me to court. A court will make a fixed order that he would be expected to stick to. He doesn’t want that. He just likes to make threats and throw his weight around to try to control me and get his own way.

She also wrote to him explaining that his behaviour constitutes harassment and he should stop or I will contact the police and pursue a court order about this.

The OP’s ex hasn’t even bothered to organise PR. He’s not going to take @confusedex2 to court. He just likes to scare her with threats about it. But he won’t do it because a court order diminishes his power and sets expectations for him to fulfil - in ways that his failure can be documented against.

Stop allowing him to contact you all the time. Make a special contact arrangements email or use a co-parenting app. Only contact him that way. Ignore him otherwise.

So you have to disrupt your plans and force the baby to endure a 4+ hour journey because they don't want to inconvenience themselves? 🙄🙄🙄

He can threaten you with court all he likes. You aren't withholding access.

Quite probably he would be granted some access. He would need to go to court though. And once that access is given he needs to stick to it, otherwise you can go back to court.

i also don’t believe anyone would drive 4 hours on Xmas day, spend 2 hours at his parents and drive 4 hours back without any issue. On this basis I wouldn’t allow him.

Yes, of course anyone can say they are anybody, but that particular poster has been posting for years on the Legal board and generally seemed to be taken seriously. Clearly I am not the only person who has been successfully misled.

Did you know that I am, in fact, an internationally famous pop star?

Or maybe I am a gastroenterologist. Or a senior police officer. Or maybe I’m a nursery practitioner.

Anyone can say they are whatever they like on the internet.

It’s not his right, it’s a child, until an established relationship is settled, I wouldn’t be putting my baby under the duress of a 4 hour round trip either. Say no
offer what you have, offer to pop out for a walk when they are there, or to friends etc but why put a baby through that drive!

Firstly, you need to remind yourself that nobody can MAKE you feel anything. You need to reframe the way you think about things and change your response to their entitlement.

Wait til Christmas Day. Send them a photo of a random baby from the internet with a Christmas hat and a message reminding them of the options they were offered that DID work for you and the kids.

I would explain than your child is not a prop to be used for their Instagram photos in an attempt to give the impression that they are a loving and involved family.

Then point out the lack of interest and input from DF and his family stating that they need to investigate what would happen if the kids travelled without car seats before trying to manipulate you with statements involving terms like “Irreversible Damage.” If EX was interested in being a parent they would HAVE a fucking car seat of their own. (Don’t mention taking yours. That’s not an option.) They would also have toys, feeding equipment, changing equipment and somewhere for them to sleep. There is much more “irreversible damage” from uninterested family members.

Then wait until the “poor me” messages start on Christmas Day and they share “heartbroken” photos of the baby in the Christmas hat.

On Boxing Day, respond to these messages saying “If you are as involved in the care of my child, why did you reject every single practical suggestion I offered up for you to see them? Also, if you are as involved and care as much as you want everyone to believe, how come you didn’t recognise that the photo you shared is a random kid from the Internet, and not your own child/grandchild? You haven’t even been involved enough to recognise your own kid.

This.

Eerrm excuse me - BREASTFEEDING. That one word is all you need.

@confusedex2 If they want to see the baby on Christmas Day, they can drive to you. Under no circumstances should you take the baby on a 4-hour round trip visit to people who show you zero respect, zero consideration and zero kindness.

Tell your ex that the only place you and your DC will be on Christmas Day is your house and he can plan accordingly, within a time frame you set and with prior permission, so no surprises on that day.

I really wish you had people around you to help you deal with these idjits. It must be tiring and frustrating to deal with these wankers on your own.

Women. Guilt. It's what holds back in life. Well not me any more, I am happy to have reached the age where I'm a selfish cow and I don't care.

I wonder which relatives will be at the parents house that your ex and his parents want to show your baby off to like a performing monkey?

They do realise a child/grandchild is for life not just for Christmas?;talk about being a Disney dad.

Frankly at 10 months your baby hasn't a clue it's Christmas anyway,it's just another day to them.

I think a real come to Jesus talk is required in the new year regarding a proper pre arranged contact schedule built up over the course of the next 12 months to allow for time for the natural weaning off the breast.

Don't dance around to this man's tune. He's so unreasonable it's laughable. His parents are a complete disgrace. Just say no and keep saying no. In fact, I would never let him have the child at Christmas because of the way he behaved when you were pregnant and the way he's behaved since. You are basically the child's only parent. He doesn't get to say that he has Christmas Day with his child when he does bugger all the rest of the time.