Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

This says it all to be honest, first off you are a million percent not being unreasonable, your baby barely knows them, you’re breastfeeding and they clearly don’t respect you.

Please never apologise to them OP. They need to get over themselves and realise there is a child in the middle of all this. It sounds like they just want the your baby for Christmas Day “oh look at what a happy family we are” photos, because if they generally cared they’d have put any feelings about you aside to dote on their child/grandchild. Whether they want to see you or not, they’re going to have to your the child’s mother. You’re a hundred percent right that if they did really care nothing would stop them seeing them.

Please don’t feel bad OP your doing the best thing for your baby.

No, you are the good person.
You are totally focused in your baby’s best interests.

Your ex wanted you to abort, denied paternity and tells you repeatedly that you are on your own.

His parents wanted you to abort and have demanded you apologise to them…for what I’m not too sure. And now expect you to allow that baby they didn’t want to be taken away by virtual strangers so they can play happy families….

They are the bad guys through and through.

Stop any communication other than through email so you have a paper trail. Keep any txts of you offering to have them to visit. And see a solicitor in the new year. You have told him no. No further arguments or comments. And don’t offer any visits. They turned that down so you have made your arrangements that can’t be broken.

Have a lovely Christmas with your baby.

You really need to reframe things in your own head if you can. Yes, he will absolutely paint you as the bad guy. That is true and there is nothing you can do about that.

BUT... we are all often painted as the bad guy in all kinds of situations and we have to accept that actually, we are doing what is best for us/our family etc. Eg, DS thinks I am the bad guy because I insist that he empties the dishwasher and goes to bed at a vaguely normal time. That's okay, because I know that I am not the bad guy.

ExBIL thinks that I am the bad guy because he thinks he "asked for help" in his relationship with SIL and I did not give it and in fact, encouraged SIL to end things. But 1. he didn't ask for help (whole story there) and 2. I did encourage her to leave him because he was financially and emotionally abusive. I'm okay with being the bad guy to him.

You cannot please all of the people all of the time. As a parent, this becomes even more true because you have to advocate for your child. Whether that's in the context of extended family and friends, their health, their education etc. DS' SENCO may well have thought I was the "bad guy" when I sent my strongly worded email of complaint - but I know that that email went after I'd had 3 conversations about what WOULD happen, and when none of it DID happen, I'd sent 3 polite emails asking for clarification. My final email was me putting my foot down.

Ex: 'You're not being fair; I'm going to go to court over this."

OP: "Fantastic. I really do think a set in stone visitation schedule will be better for the baby and your relationship with the baby."

Absolutely no way would I let him take baby.

OP, being "the bad guy" is:

• Protecting your very young baby from being in a four hour return journey with someone who has never had any real involvement with the baby;
• Keeping your DC safe from a "partner" who will not know the rules around a small child in a moving vehicle, plus he has no clue of all the equipment his child needs or the care they need;
• him and his family really only wanting your baby for "show and tell" and to just piss you off;
• having the audacity of deciding to keep your baby instead of the abortion his family and decided you should have
• him making no compromises about access to his child, and, and, and...

If this is you being the bad guy then embrace it OP and use your fire to not only fight your own fight, but for your child also. You know you're good person trying to do the best she can and you have the facts of this situation recorded as an audit trail in case you need it. I think you'll both be fine.

Stay strong. 🌹

You’re absolutely not the bad person, you’re doing what is best for you & baby ❤️

you got this x

You've done the right thing and you have nothing to feel bad about OP. He should be ashamed of his behaviour. I had to be similarly firm and with my ex husband. Left me just before Christmas for OW and demanded to have our SEN 2 year old for Xmas day because "he needs to be with his new family". They just wanted to roll him out to show off and make it seem that what they did to us was normal and OK. I told him to fuck right off. He lost interest very quickly. Focus on what is best for your child, not your ex and his shitty family.

I do feel guilty. I obviously want my baby to have a family.

You don't want your baby to have this family though. It's not always the case that any family is better than no family, sadly. They clearly aren't thinking at all of what the baby needs (regular, frequent, predictable contact to build a secure relationship), they only care about what they want (to enjoy the nice bits, like Christmas, and not do any of the hard work - it made me laugh when they said they'd be heartbroken if they didn't get to give the baby presents, what nonsense).

Raise your boundaries, OP. Be less accommodating of your ex's demands. All you need to do is make the baby available for reasonable, regular contact, you don't have to jump every time he says so.

I know no matter what I do I'll be the bad person, and I feel like I'm struggling to enjoy Christmas now.

youre going to need to toughen up on this, he’s going to ring rings round you and get you in a state like this every year otherwise.

you do what’s best for baby - end of
tjats what you’ve done so be proud

OP you have been more than accomodating. I know you've already said no but this is what I'd do if communication regarding it is still open.

For starters only ever talk over text or email so you have receipts...

I would send a message simply stating:
'Hi, I'm firming up plans for Christmas and just wanted to check one last time that you and your family don't want to come and see us over the Christmas period?
I'd be happy to host you on another day (such as boxing day or during Twixmas) if your family don't want to travel on Christmas day itself. It's just too much travel in one day for us to come to X place. I think it would be a shame for you not to see baby at all whilst you're off work.
Your family is also invited, I would love baby to have a relationship with them however I won't be apologising to them for having their grandson. If they can get along with that I'd be happy to host them or maybe if they don't want to be at the house you could all gofor a walk to X and have lunch in the cafe.'

Show your accomodating, let them refuse and you get evidence of it. Don't feel guilty, you've been more than nice given past experiences with them.

Don’t feel sick. It’s not reasonable to take a baby away from its mum for 6+ hours on Christmas Day.
If it was important they would prioritise coming to you.

Fuck that. They’re not ‘family’ and have never acted like it. Being relatives and family are very different things. They want you to apologise for what? Having a child and doing the best you can for them?! The dad sounds like utter trash as do his parents; they all sound toxic and abusive and they’re so lucky you’re even treating them with so much grace instead of going full non-contact. You have nothing to feel guilty about- your instinct about them is correct. Protect your child.

YANBU at all.

Baby is BF so it’s always much harder to separate from Mum, I know not all babies will accept a bottle (mine didn’t). A 4 hour round trip is also very long with a baby and more importantly, your baby barely knows them so may feel unsettled.

You provided an alternative so they can either accept that or fuck off.

It's OK to be the bad guy sometimes as a parent. Your job is to protect your child from things that will harm them.

He says I am denying my baby their family.

This part makes me chuckle. Yes, you're doing precisely that, because it's a crap family!

It's not your job to be objective, that's for a judge. It's your job to be brutally subjective in the name of protecting your baby. And you're doing that brilliantly.

Guilt-trippers are so pathetic and transparent it becomes comedic watching them get more and more frothy while doing exactly fuck all to be an actual parent.

You won’t be a bad person.

He’ll try to manipulate you into thinking you are. But that’s not the same thing.

Set boundaries. Limit his routes to you (so he can’t get inside your head). And get some legal advice so you know he’s talking shite.

I am really sorry about how this is impacting on you OP. You are not the bad person here so please try not to let these people make you feel that you are. You deserve your first Christmas with your baby to be a happy one & I wish you all the best.

To reiterate my advice earlier on in the thread, I really would recommend changing your phone number and then getting a separate, basic PAYG phone which you can use to communicate with him.

That way he won't be able to contact you on your main phone number and you can just use the other phone when you actually need to communicate with him and switch it off for a bit if he starts to harass you or get abusive and you need to put him in time out.

Mr Manchild hahaahahah funny as

Don’t worry about court you have all the messages about you offering and refsuimg.
You also have the proof he choose just recently to move away from his new child

Also that’s you aren’t refusing access just that he what’s you abs a baby to work around him ( who moved away ) and his parents . Also the fact he didn’t bother at the start and he is not stable because he didn’t what the bay is hos words .
keep it all for court of need be .
Im the mean time get ok with your life and enjoy your baby. 😊

Also they sound so manipulative. Why don't they say to you, please could we arrange something at a time that suits you? The baby doesn't know Xmas presents are given on Xmas day. They can just give them another day.

Say no. You know the baby they don't.

Tough luck they don't like being around you. You're the mum and the baby is too young to be with them. They don't sound kind or responsible.

I'd consider it when the baby is older but not now. They just want a certain family Xmas. Tough.