Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

I would be keeping them as far away as possible and giving access on my terms only.

Some advice:
if he wants 50/50 let him go to court for access.

otherwise he will say he wants 50/50, he’ll drop support payments, you’ll arrange childcare accordingly then he will dick you about changing days, full of excuses as to why x y and z “doesn’t work for him” and drop you in it as you won’t have proper childcare and you’ll have to chose between your child’s welfare or jeopardising your job.
the alternative scenario is he takes 50/50 and by some miracle sticks to it and but he does this by dumping your child with his bonkers mother who provides the “childcare” and spends her days spouting poisonous bile about you to your child.

He’s a prick and so are they. Thank god your baby is 10months and clueless about the lot of them. I’d not be wanting any of them in my child’s life as god knows what rubbish they’ll spout when baby is a child.

Be strong, keep your boundaries for the physical, mental and emotional well-being of you and your child and hopefully they’ll fuck off out of both your lives soon. No one needs such toxic, mean, nasty and selfish people in their lives.

So they think because they didn't want you to have your baby they don't have to step up, but they do get to take the special moments from you? Fuck that!

I was separated before I gave birth. My ex wasn't in the room, and nor did he make a fuss about that. He was in the hospital though, so he came in to meet him as soon as I was covered up. Ten months is when he did start having overnights, but he'd been to see our son every single weekend except one (away for work) and had built up time away from me from a 20 minute walk the first time to a full 12 hour day at his.

Baby was only six months at first christmas, but he didn't even ask to take him - I went with baby Xmas eve to see ex's family and then ex came to mine a few hours Xmas day. He's got his 24th-26th this year.
Sorry if that sounds like I'm criticising, I'm not meaning to, I am just trying to say it can work well but only if dad is putting baby's needs first!!

OP- you need to remind yourself of this thread anytime you have a wobble and try to accommodate them.

by all means let him be part of your baby’s life, but don’t hold your breath.

I suspect the 50% wheeze ( from virtually zero) is part of a cunning plan to avoid paying maintenance. His plan is probably to farm your daughter out to his Mother or another family member.

If he comes asking for 50% remind him it comes with 50% of childcare bills. Also make sure it’s only registered childcare providers ( no overnights with random relatives).

Do not put him on the birth certificate. ( does he have parental responsibility? I wouldn’t think so. Don’t give it to him.)

Insist on suitable accommodation if he asks for overnights.

I strongly believe that kids should be encouraged to have a relationship with both parents, but I am very suspicious of your ex’s motives here. This seems less about your daughter and more about him. Your DC risks being lifted and dropped when it suits him to play happy families- his contact needs to be consistent.

I actually think with a character like this ( and the cheating, the crazy family all add to it) you need try and limit contact with your DC. I think some parents are better having no contact with their kids. He sounds like one of them.

Yes this is great.

It is babies first Christmas so I can understand his father wanting to spend time with him. I can also see how difficult it might be for ex and paternal grandparents to come to yours. They are not strangers but family even if they haven't had much to do with DC. It will be important for DC to have a relationship with his father and family.
I can also understand if you are breastfeeding it would be very difficult for DC to spend time at theirs. Could you let them spend time alone at yours? Maybe with you being in a different room for an hour or so. That way you can be on hand if DC starts to get upset and that might lessen both you and DC worries then?

he really does sound like my dsis ex-not the same situation but involved a child and theyre neve wrong its always her and shes the devil

let him take it to court he cant cherry pick what days he can see dc and rock up when he likes the court wont have that

Tell him if he takes 50% of the burden of caring for his child and 50% of the financial responsibility for his needs, you'll consider letting him have access for 50% of Christmas day next year.

Tell him a baby's not just for Christmas. It's for life.

You've landed your baby with an awful father who seems to have an equally awful family and who seem to have the oddest views -traditional but wanted you to have an abortion, trying to wriggle out of paying maintenance, wanted you to apologise for their son impregnating you and so on, and banging on about stress. What stress given he wasn't there during the pregnancy or birth, he denied paternity and tried to wriggle out of paying and they haven't even taken up the previous opportunities to see the child. If they wanted to build a relationship with your child, they would have taken up opportunities to visit, and treated you with respect as the mother of their grandchild.

You shouldn't double down on this by letting him take the baby on Christmas Day to spend the day with strangers. Besides which, I don't see how a breastfed baby is going to have a happy Christmas hungry and surrounded by strangers. I would certainly not be joining him and his batshit crazy family for Christmas. I think it is a mercy that he is not on the birth certificate.

Oops sorry have to type lying down. Meant to append that to OP update about her being invited provided she apologies. Not a response to you Maria! Sorry!

oh well that slightly better. The apology bit is just petty however.

cannot like this message enough

OP YANBU at all. Your ex and his family sound batshit. Please enjoy Christmas with your little one and don't apologise to those weirdos. 💐

YANBU and should tell them all to fuck off. Thank god he's not on the BC! Once you're back working and earning don't even take his money any more, just block him everywhere. Your DD doesn't need arseholes like him and his parents in her life.

It’s awful they’re putting the guilt trip on you. Relationships work both ways so they would 100% be prepared to see you if they wanted a relationship with the baby. They don’t have to like you (or you them) for everyone to be civil and do what’s right.
I might be inclined to call his bluff and say you’re open to both them visiting you and for them to take the baby for a few hours. BUT baby needs to be returned at feeding times x & y, needs a car seat, nap facility, stroller etc and if he can meet these then a visit for half the day from 9am till 1pm sounds possible. It’s not on you to provide everything you’ve paid for in order for him to be a dad.
if you think they’ll be litigious then make sure to always offer a solution, document every no show, unreturned message, declined offer to visit etc. I can’t believe the entitlement and audacity after they didn’t want you to have the baby and haven’t made an effort

I mean I definitely spent time alone with my paternal grandparents when my parents were out somewhere etc. I just don’t recall any evidence of them ever stipulating to my mother “we’d like to see the children without you present.” But it does seem to happen these days. It would make me twitchy as a mum - even though I’d be fine about it otherwise.

So…
They didn’t want you to have the baby.
Now they want to see the baby on Christmas Day
they want you to apologise to them??
oh my god, no. Just no. They should be apologising to you.

and yes, if they wanted a relationship with their grandchild, they should be putting in the effort and coming to your place to see him.

ohmygod. Please don’t feel guilty. Frankly him and his parents sounds strangely similar (selfish and entitled !).

And don’t feel you have to apologise for still breastfeeding! It’s perfectly normal, natural, whatever, and no one’s business but yours

Absolutely bloody not!!! The cheek!

Exactly. Your thoughts need to be focused on what is right for the baby. They can’t roll DC out like a Christmas decoration because a baby is quite a nice thing to have about the house at Christmas. If they haven’t made time to develop the relationship the rest of the year it’s a no. Actually even in happy family circumstances I find it weird when ILs seem hellbent on detaching DCs from the mother for a few hours/ days. I would also find it weird if maternal grandparents wanted to do the same but generally speaking I haven’t seen this amongst friends or family. It’s usually the paternal grandparents and I … don’t quite get it …

Definitely not being unreasonable.

The cheek! You’ve done 10 months of raising him and they think they can waltz in to have him on Christmas Day! No! You have been very reasonable to suggest they come to you.

The fact he’s not on the BC then he doesn’t even have legal parental responsibility but just so you know, even if he had, a judge would want him to build up time gradually with him before giving him access. I suspect a whole day (which this would effectively be, would be impossible for your baby unless he also takes a bottle?).

I hope you have some loving family and friends supporting you on Christmas Day and in any case, stand firm! You are doing a great job raising your baby on your own. Loads of love!

I haven't read the whole thread but would suggest that if ex's family want to spend time with the grandchild they apparently didn't want, they need to think about times/places where they could travel to do so easily that are near to OP and baby's home.

Sounds as if they have a bit of a cheek asking for apologies from a grandchild's mum and then making unrealistic demands.

Don’t be sad OP, be mad.

Like seriously… light his shit up MAD.

I’m furious on your behalf and I don’t even know you!

Don’t even think about accommodating this bat shittery- it will only get worse if you relent at this stage.

how does he expect to feed a baby who is breast fed? Ask them to come to yours. If they say no - that’s on them. That is the compromise.

If it’s half a day ( because you’ll be wanting to see your baby- even forgetting the breast feeding) he will only have time to drive them there and back!

No need to travel 4 hours with a baby on Xmas day.

My memory re father being on the birth certificate from when my teenagers were born is that, if parents are not married, dad needs to attend the registration too - dp and I were together then but not married, and still are, so I would have always wanted him to be there anyway.

If this is still the case, I'm guessing that OP wouldn't have needed to decide to leave her baby's father off the birth certificate, and that this would have happened if he didn't attend registration.