Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
DragonMama3 · 18/12/2023 18:06

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

He's rather melodramatic.

jeaux90 · 18/12/2023 18:05

titchy · 18/12/2023 17:32

"So let me get this straight. Despite me offering opportunities for both you and your parents to build a relationship with Baby, you and they would prefer that you removed Baby from their main food source for 8 hours, and consider this to be in Baby's best interests yes?"

This. Say this. Your baby is not a prop.

Pemba · 18/12/2023 18:04

What is wrong with his parents? Wow.

OP don't you dare feel guilty.

Tina221 · 18/12/2023 18:03

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

Hi op, please don’t let him make you feel guilty. You have offered his parents to come over which is really nice of you. Tbh they haven’t made much effort at all so definitely don’t feel guilty about having Christmas with the baby x

FictionalCharacter · 18/12/2023 18:02

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:17

They've said the reason they don't see the baby is they don't want to be around me. They think I owe them an apology for the "stress" I put them through when I was pregnant (they didn't want me to have the baby).
I never had anything to do with them when I was pregnant I spoke to them twice and they never tried to be involved. I'm in my 30s not a child and so is their son.

I get they don't want to see me but I've also been trying to get their son to build up a relationship with DC then he could take the baby on his own but he hasn't done this.

The thought of my baby being confused or upset on Xmas makes me so sad.

If they really cared and really wanted to see DC they'd come here wouldn't they?

Just stop with all this angst and misplaced guilt. He has no right to take your baby off to his parents’ against your wishes. His parents have no access rights whatsoever. You know there are 100 reasons why this is a terrible idea. Put your foot down, be strong.

Say no, you are not going to do that. Repeat as necessary. Don’t say sorry, explain or give excuses, or sound upset. Be calm. Use the broken record technique:
No, I’m not going to do that.
but but wah wah moan moan
No, I’m not going to do that.

Your answer is no. If you’re firm now, it will be less difficult next time he demands something outrageous.

TheGoogleMum · 18/12/2023 17:59

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:54

Bit of a drip feed but they did say I could go too.

On the condition that I first say sorry to them Confused

A. I don't want to go.

B. I won't say sorry... for what? Having my DC?

Show quote history

Yeah I still think YANBU, I agree apologise for what? The baby they so badly want to see?

WhatTheFuk · 18/12/2023 17:57

Stop engaging with him. It's not up to you to encourage a grown man to see his child. Enjoy your baby and let him take responsibility for himself. The guilt is not yours to feel.

Sothisiit · 18/12/2023 17:56

He has every right to build a relationship with his child but a 1/2 day on Christmas day is not the correct starting point for a BF baby.
He needs to show he is reliable and has the parental skills first.
I think you have been reasonable to try and allow visitation for him and his parents.
As with pets it could also be said that.....
"A child is for life not just for Christmas"

Nanny0gg · 18/12/2023 17:56

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

Nope. No way. Not a chance

He doesn't get to play Disney Dad for the Insta likes at you and your baby's expense

I you're claiming CM

Original poster
confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:54

Daisybuttercup12345 · 18/12/2023 17:51

Why are you even considering this?
The answer is NO. Unless you go too or they come to you.
End of story.

Bit of a drip feed but they did say I could go too.

On the condition that I first say sorry to them Confused

A. I don't want to go.

B. I won't say sorry... for what? Having my DC?

OP posts:
wispadelight · 18/12/2023 17:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WowOK · 18/12/2023 17:52

Absolutely not. It is not in the best interests of the baby. The baby and dad need to build a relationship before he takes him for any extended period of time. He needs to have regular contact first. He can start with 2 hours twice a week and be consistent and build up. If he can maintain it then this time next year he might be able to do a day trip to his parents.

Don't feel guilty. You have offered them your hospitality. If they chose not to take it then that's on them. They either want to see the child or they don't.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 18/12/2023 17:51

Why are you even considering this?
The answer is NO. Unless you go too or they come to you.
End of story.

WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 17:51

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 17:47

And that's how family lawyers like me make their money. Because contact in these kind of situations is refused for no good child-focused reason.

Show quote history

Sorry, can you be clearer? You fight for parents to see children as and when they want with no interest in consistency for the child? Take me to court, arrest me, that’s not happening to my kids.

Original poster
confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:49

@Collaborate he doesn't live local either. He's just moved... an hour in the opposite direction to me. His parents are two hours the other way.

He used to have his own place, but he's moved and lives with housemates now who are in their early twenties. I suppose it's not ideal for him to have baby there on his own anyway but I'm not sure what a court would say.

I'm not stopping him seeing DC on Xmas day I've offered a compromise?

OP posts:
cheddercherry · 18/12/2023 17:48

No it doesn’t even make any sort of sense a baby that young won’t want to be away from you (more so when surrounded by literal strangers) and your breastfeeding so you can’t be away from them anyway? The baby doesn’t know these people so you’re not denying them anything except their mother if you let them go.

You've been more than reasonable even trying to accommodate them and offer solutions and have nothing to feel guilty about.

MadeForThis · 18/12/2023 17:48

Contact has been offered. In the babies home where it is in his best interests to be.

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 17:47

WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 17:43

I don’t agree at all. He doesn’t get to turn up on key/fun days and play Daddy and while being AWOL for the rest of the year.

Edited
Show quote history

And that's how family lawyers like me make their money. Because contact in these kind of situations is refused for no good child-focused reason.

Yahyahs22 · 18/12/2023 17:47

I advocate for fathers rights and I shouted "hell NO" at my phone.

Aprilx · 18/12/2023 17:46

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:17

They've said the reason they don't see the baby is they don't want to be around me. They think I owe them an apology for the "stress" I put them through when I was pregnant (they didn't want me to have the baby).
I never had anything to do with them when I was pregnant I spoke to them twice and they never tried to be involved. I'm in my 30s not a child and so is their son.

I get they don't want to see me but I've also been trying to get their son to build up a relationship with DC then he could take the baby on his own but he hasn't done this.

The thought of my baby being confused or upset on Xmas makes me so sad.

If they really cared and really wanted to see DC they'd come here wouldn't they?

They would make an effort more generally. Don’t invite them to yours on Christmas Day, it will only ruin your day. They have done nothing to deserve seeing him on Christmas Day and just want it for the Christmas Day Facebook (or whatever) photos.

TheGoogleMum · 18/12/2023 17:45

He's underestimating how hard he'll find it and how upset baby will probably get without you. I think you saying they can visit is the compromise and if thats no good thats their problem. They don't have to like you but they can make an effort if they want to see their grandchild that much surely?

Gowlett · 18/12/2023 17:44

Explain that the baby has a bad belly / is crying all the time / will only have BF (all of which are likely scenarios) so his dreams of having a gorgeous bundle of fluffy baby would actually be a nightmare. Bring out the nappies, everything. All of the paraphernalia. Start talking about the car seat. The journey. The very specific poop / sleep routine. He’ll change his mind… And his parents will be relieved to enjoy their dinner / relax in front of the telly (especially his mother, who will be handed the baby). Having to mind a small baby would actually blow his tiny mind. Especially on Christmas Day!

35965a · 18/12/2023 17:43

If he’s not on the birth certificate he can’t do shit

WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 17:43

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 17:41

I think YWBU not to let him see the child on his own for a couple of hours maybe. I presume father lives local to you and it's his parents who live 2 hours away.

A 2 hour return journey is too much for such a young child given the stage contact has reached.

I don’t agree at all. He doesn’t get to turn up on key/fun days and play Daddy and while being AWOL for the rest of the year.

WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 17:42

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

Tell him your baby isn’t a prop, she’s a person.

Swipe left for the next trending thread