Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

As a mediator who has seen all kinds of good and bad behaviour around Christmas (mostly bad unfortunately) I would tell him to take a hike. Who on earth thinks it is reasonable to take a BF baby away from his mother for that length of time on any day without establishing a secure bond with the baby first. If he wants his baby to have a relationship with his family (which yes, baby does have a right to) he needs to put in the time and effort to make that happen. As someone else has pointed out short, regular visits are the way to go with babies. I would offer his family one short period of access during the holiday period with you present, a morning or afternoon. If they actually want to see baby they will take it, otherwise I would view it as an attempt to coerce and control. Do not feel guilty!

Absolutely no way I would be allowing virtually no contact family (I use that word very loosely here!) to take my baby for hours, Christmas or not.

As you've rightly said, he needs to build a relationship with the child if he wants one. Not just expect hours with them because you had sex so he's a (reluctant) dad.

I'd tell him it's absolutely not happening this Christmas, but he's got 12 months to make next Christmas a possibility.
As for his parents I'd be having zero contact with them. They don't deserve any communication or contact with you after the way they've treated you.

Also worth considering the precedent you are setting for following years. Imagine being a 2 or 3 year old with no Dad. Then suddenly on a day everyone has told you will be magical, you are carted off with intimidating strangers who don't know how to care for you and shove a camera in your face, demanding you smile with Daddy and give Grandma, who you don't remember a kiss. Contact should always be about the child and start small. Tell him if he's so serious he can start building a proper relationship in the new year, with regular small supervised visits.

Children aren't "pay per view" 🙄.

He's not on the birth certificate? Excellent. Change your number. Or block him. Block his parents too. Give him an email address he can contact you on. See how much effort he'll actually put in to spending time with the baby when he has to work at it even a tiny bit.
Take note of the times he has actually seen the baby, the times you have offered and the times he's let you down on

So you do all of the day to day care (which is very hard work, however lovely the baby is). Him and his parents then get to play happy families by ‘borrowing’ the baby to play with on a child’s most magical day of the year!

I think in these situations, it’s wise to consider first and foremost ‘is this in the child’s best interests?’ And a long round trip spent with virtual strangers in an unfamiliar environment with no mummy and no breasts doesn’t sound like much fun! Also your child is at that age they start to get anxious around unfamiliar people..
Your suggestion that they visit you is a great one.

Op, I can tell you are a decent and loving mother.
My ds dad was an alcoholic and died when they were 6&9. They grew up without that "fatherly" love. It broke my heart. Try, for a while, to create that bond with your child and dads/family. BUT, only for so long and on your terms!! It would be detrimental to your child's emotional development to continue a dead end relationship.
Good luck hun x

Sorry, whaaaat?! I think we have found the Mother of Ex!

So you are actually suggesting after; 10mo of minimal or sporadic contact, refusal to attend the birth registrar to be on bc, and the other litany of insults father of DC and his family have delivered to OP and her child she now owes them Christmas with their baby? Although they campaigned against baby ever being born? Despite the fact that Mum is all he/ she has known… and then you suggest that she decline the minimal £ to feed and clothe their child?

Are you drunk/ on substances?!

YANBU OP. It's a ridiculous request when the baby is breastfed. He's just too young. And not used to his father.

Any family worth being part of would want to see this baby regularly and be concerned about the baby's wellbeing.

Demanding a long visit away from the mother 'cos Christmas' is a red flag family wise.

agreement in place what days he has the child and what days you have the child....and how does that work with a breastfeeding baby, mate?

Don't be so ridiculous!

A 10 month old baby knows fuck all about Christmas and everything about being separated for too many hours from his breastfeeding mother.

I bloody hope you're not a grandmother, because that's a bad attitude and no grandchild deserves that.

How about the absent father spends a bit if time with his child in the child's home?

Oh piss off.

Utterly useless men always view their rights as about getting Christmas and birthdays and such like with the child they otherwise ignore and let down (because it’s not a special occasion where they can get attention by pretending to be super dad). Christmas Day is not an appropriate time for the first time the child has ever don’t time away from his mother.🙄

She should accept maintenance off him because it is his legal responsibility to pay for the child.

MRAs and ‘family lawyers’ (who don’t use the terminology solicitors in the uk do) are always full of dreadful ‘advice’ on these kind of threads.

This man hasn’t even bothered to apply for PR. He’s not going to take the OP to court about contact. He’s just treating the baby as a photo opportunity to show off to his family on Christmas Day. He’ll be unreliable and inconsistent as soon as it’s over.

No way! I don't think the baby would be happy at all. It sounds like they hardly know their dad.

If he isn't bothered about getting to know DC and building up to spending a few hours alone then no, he doesn't get to take the baby to show him off for a few hours at Christmas. Maybe take a picture for insta to show how good a dad he is 🙄

Also I bf until DS was 13 months at 10 months I still fed him when ever he wanted

OMG OP - you are being more than fair, you have NOTHiNG to feel guilty about. Men often want to trot their kids out at “important” moments to make themselves look good but a baby is not a Christmas accessory.

You’re being so grown up and reasonable by offering to have them over and making the effort to offer them contact. Whatever they do (within reason) I think that’s a brilliant thing to do - and that it will ultimately provide you with the logistical as well as the moral upper hand, but it’s a long road to get there.

You might find it useful to read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? I think it’ll really help you navigate the guilt trips and stand firm in your own self belief.

Have a happy first Christmas with your little one 🎄

And don’t ever accept any maintenance money from them.

He is the baby’s father. If you ever want him to be a parent to that child then you have to compromise and allow him to spend time with baby. Christmas is exactly the time when you should let the child become a member of his wider family.

Aww, I know your torn.
Your breastfeeding, baby's 10 months, end of. You've given them option to come spend time with him. You would just be a nervous wreck if you agreed for him to go. Tell him he/his family needs to see him on a regular basis (with you there) for them to be trusted with your precious boy. That's it!
Good luck k x

Also let's pre-empt what happens when you stop breastfeeding. Because it is an added factor here, but it would not be appropriate to send a FF baby off either, they would still be bonded to their mum. Unless this bloke steps up hugely, you can't send your baby/toddler off with him, it's just not fair on the child, regardless of breastfeeding or not.

There’s so many reasons why this is clearly a preposterous idea. How incredibly selfish of them to want your baby for a special day of the year. The baby they didn’t even want born.

no fucking way

OK then insert the appropriate duration but the point remains. Tell.him what he can have rather than refusing what he asked for

OP can't insist the Dad pays maintenance but refuse absolutely all contact so has to allow something. So the point is just offer the amount Of time finds acceptable

YANBU

No way this would work since you are breastfeeding. Unless you went too and I'm sure you have your own family to spend the day with.

You've given them plenty of chances to see the baby and they didn't.

Hard no.

He had to be bullied into contributing maintenance for HIS child, barely sees him while you do ALL the heavy slogging with the baby, and he wants to whisk it away for christmas to see his family.

Again, hard no.

Ignore the “irreversible damage” comment. It will cause your child irreversible damage if they have to know these toxic people. Don’t ever have any contact with them again.

In THIS case, though, there are very explicit, child-centered, reasons why it is a bad idea.
A person needs to establish a relationship with their child and never put that child into a scenario that isn't centered and focused on what is best for that child.

So far, the only thing I notice is it would be best if OP only allows supervised (by an outside party) visitation until the "parent" shows they know how to act in the best interests of the child.

OP--Don't let your ex make you feel guilty OR bully you, no matter how hard he tries. Your FIRST responsibility is to that precious little child and there is NOTHING that your ex has shown that puts him into the category of caring about your child. The fact that they have nothing for your baby to keep them comfortable for a day, car seat, crib, highchair, diapers, clothes, toys, food etc. shows that they just want to TRY and disrupt your life for their amusement.
Be strong and though I hate the saying, "NO", is a complete sentence and the only one you need to tell your ex.