Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Saggypants · 23/04/2024 22:07

Have you been preoccupied the last few months @GillianCarole ? Christmas has come and gone Grin

GillianCarole · 23/04/2024 19:38

Tell them to take a short walk off a high cliff. Why do they want to see the baby when they didn't want you to have a baby? They want you to apologise for having the baby?!

The baby doesn't know them, barely knows your ex, so not acceptable for them to have baby for several hours without you. Don't feel guilty - they are at fault. Your ex is a piece of work, hasn't a proven track record and didn't even support baby until you took action.

ClimbEveryLadder · 29/12/2023 18:53

Glad you had a lovely day and that making your boundaries clear with your ex worked well. Tbh it was better for your ex as well as his plan would have been stressful for him as well as your little one

Sauvblanctime · 29/12/2023 13:53

Glad you had a fab day! And that dad made the effort ❤️

Nomagicflute · 29/12/2023 13:46

Well done. That's great.

Flatandhappy · 29/12/2023 04:52

I’m glad you had a lovely Christmas x

SunRainStorm · 29/12/2023 01:57

Glad to hear it OP. You deserved a nice day.

Keep protecting your boundaries and your peace. It will be a marathon not a sprint with that family.

JFDIYOLO · 29/12/2023 00:55

Well done! And the vile parents missed out on seeing their grandchild entirely because of their own behaviour and attitude to you.

Larob · 28/12/2023 23:44

Good outcome. You’ll both remember though, hopefully he realises it was worth it and will make more effort for future. Continue to hold your boundaries while accommodating quality time for you and him with your little one xx

samqueens · 28/12/2023 22:05

I’m really glad you had a lovely Christmas, that you held firm and that your DD’s dad eventually bothered putting in the effort to see her too. Good for you for letting him do it while also sticking to your own terms. Happy new year 🎉

Original poster
confusedex2 · 28/12/2023 21:59

Hi, just wanted to say I hope you all had a lovely Christmas!

To update, I had a lovely day with my little one, a relaxing morning playing with toys and eating rubbish... I had Xmas dinner with my friend who is also a single parent so that was really nice!

My ex did make the trip up in the evening to see the little one for a couple of hours which I accommodated. At least he made the effort! The parents didn't come of course.

He did ask me again on Xmas day again if I was "sure" about not coming... I said yes. He then asked if it was too late for him to come over.

So he didn't relent to the final minute. But my little on had a nice day and had a nice couple of hours playing with Dad so that's what matters I guess. Not that they will remember.

I'm glad I posted here as it gave me the confidence to stick to what I knew was best for me and LO. Thank you all for the advice.

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 28/12/2023 08:38

And also I know it's over with now but there was nothing stopping them from travelling to see the baby. You have invited them and they said no so they're the ones stopping themselves from seeing the little one on Xmas day

Looneytune253 · 28/12/2023 08:36

confusedex2 · 20/12/2023 21:47

I think you're all right and they are batsh*t.

I think I've been gaslit so much that I've almost started to believe it could be me that's the issue.

The pregnancy was also so difficult I feel it's changed me and I also have PND which this stress doesn't help.

He's spoke about wanting 50/50 since I applied for maintenance but I don't think he'd move close enough to make it work. He'd do me a favour if he stepped up though and became a responsible father as nursery will be costing me a bomb.

Call his bluff now and ask him which days he would have the little one if he wants 50/50. Would save you at least a day or two of nursery costs if those are his days. Even more if you can work all of the days he wants (I'm presuming here he'll ask for weekend days). Once he realises you're serious he'll likely back off. If not then at least you know where you are and might be able to save a bit of money

Rachaelrachael · 27/12/2023 22:19

How did things pan out OP? I hope you had a lovely Christmas

Nanaof1 · 24/12/2023 03:03

SunRainStorm · 22/12/2023 23:45

This is actually Mumsnet at its best. A new mum was doubting herself, clearly being bullied in real life and came here for a sense check.

Over 500 people took the time to tell her she's doing a great job, her instincts are spot on, and to back herself.

👏 👏 👏

Show quote history

When MN is good, it is very, very good, but when it is bad it is horrid. 😉

Branwells77 · 23/12/2023 11:31

@Leavethebathalone Mr Manchild 😂 would be in for a big shock your post made me giggle mainly because your spot on 😂

Dutch1e · 23/12/2023 08:49

SunRainStorm · 22/12/2023 23:45

This is actually Mumsnet at its best. A new mum was doubting herself, clearly being bullied in real life and came here for a sense check.

Over 500 people took the time to tell her she's doing a great job, her instincts are spot on, and to back herself.

👏 👏 👏

Show quote history

Well said!

SunRainStorm · 22/12/2023 23:45

moomoomoo27 · 22/12/2023 16:25

This is going to be the only AIBU thread ever where literally everyone agrees.

This is actually Mumsnet at its best. A new mum was doubting herself, clearly being bullied in real life and came here for a sense check.

Over 500 people took the time to tell her she's doing a great job, her instincts are spot on, and to back herself.

👏 👏 👏

Jojo8519 · 22/12/2023 23:19

Definitely not being unfair, I’d go as far as to say that if you did allow this to happen, you’d be a bad mum. It’s not natural for a BF baby to be away from its mother for long, certainly not two hours away. You are completely right in your stance! Hold on to your mum senses. Just remember, you’d feel more guilty letting your baby miss you and not have a booby when needed than you will for not letting them take YOUR child, that you care for day in and day out! They can come to you, if not then it’s not about spending time with baby. It’s Christmas, you only get so many… before they’re grown. Stand your ground OP, mum knows best! And merry Christmas x

SapphireSeptember · 22/12/2023 23:00

Bunch of arseholes! So they didn't want you to have your baby in the first place, and now suddenly they want to have your baby for Christmas? Fuck that! Also your ex was cheating on you while you were pregnant? Really scummy behaviour there.

Nomagicflute · 22/12/2023 18:10

confusedex2 · 20/12/2023 11:38

I just feel sick about the whole thing tbh.

I know no matter what I do I'll be the bad person, and I feel like I'm struggling to enjoy Christmas now.

Thank you all for the really good advice.

It sounds tough. But remember you're not the bad person. Maybe to them but they're wrong. Better to be the bad person to them than to your baby or yourself.

Sorry they put you in this position though, really not nice.

moomoomoo27 · 22/12/2023 16:25

This is going to be the only AIBU thread ever where literally everyone agrees.

Beabarb · 22/12/2023 14:45

This is the way.

ftp · 22/12/2023 13:45

Baby it too young to know about Christmas, so it is not for him/her, but probably for grandmother, not even for his father. Say NO. Travelling out in the cold and damp away from you is not on at all.

DC's birthday is soon, so perhaps suggest that they could visit for that, as the weather will be better, and possibly you will not be feeding then (whether that is your plan or not, you could say it)

Which of them is not going to have a drink to do the driving safely?

Fraaahnces · 22/12/2023 13:11

@Beabarb - no. “I’m sorry you wanted me to have an abortion and now distrust the very fleeting interest you have chosen to show my baby. I’m sorry that you think this tiny, living, defenceless human being is a prop to be used on social media to make it look like your son is a good father and you are good grandparents. I’m sorry that I thought you were all better people but I will never be sorry that I followed my own heart and had my baby.”