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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I leave this relationship?

63 replies

mutin · 17/12/2023 09:26

Both fifties, both divorced and work full time. My teens are with me full time. We see each other each weekend, normally sat evening till sun am.
He works and lives 90 mins away.
We are both free each weekend except for every second saturday which he spends with his daughter.
The issue is that while he lives 90 mins away, he goes to his parents every weekend in another part of the country.
He has no life where he lives and work. He rents there in a house share. He doesn't have any hobbies or pastimes in general but literally works and sleep in one part of the country .. (thinkEdinburgh and then at weekends goes to Glasgow. I'm in between both places.)
I don't go to his generally as it's a house share and don't go to his parents either for same reasons.
He comes to mine, we eat, sleep and have breakfast and then he is gone again. I'm not really feeling it anymore but he is lovely company mostly.
He doesn't own his own home and spends masses of time with his family. He also doesn't really socialise but I do.
It feels dead in the water. Having no home of his own , going back to his parents and family every weekend is kind of giving me the ick. He has no ambition or intention to change for the foreseeable future.
He will not !3 moving in with me as I don't want that for myself and my kids.
Sex is amazing though.

OP posts:
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MyPeppyCat · 05/06/2025 09:12

mutin · 17/12/2023 11:35

He will message them with a lot of self pity and how he will miss them
And is devastated but will respect mums choice etc. lots of self putting nonsense which my youngest will really affect.

(Made a comment then realised how old this thread is, so deleted comment.)

Despair1 · 07/07/2024 20:01

mutin · 17/12/2023 10:40

I feel guilty for feeling so shallow but the truth is , he has nothing to offer me.
I feel like a provide a service for him.. a place to stay, food, Netflix and sex. I shouldnt feel like this, should I ?

Sums the situation up perfectly. U don't want to be the one doing all the giving, he has nothing to offer u

throwawayimplantchat · 22/12/2023 09:33

I'm glad you've ended the relationship and sorry that he's being as awful about it as predicted.

Once the dust has settled, you really need to think about why you continued seeing him despite the below.

He's been very inappropriate in the past contacting my family and children. He has their number in event of emergency for lifts if needed, as their father has no relationship with them. They will block him.

Continuing to date a man who makes this kind of inappropriate and unwanted contact was a poor decision and one that is a bit concerning.

Hopefully this relationship has at least been a learning curve and in future you'll know to listen to your gut when it comes to red flags.

schmuzz · 21/12/2023 06:12

mutin · 19/12/2023 14:08

Thanks for your reply.
He is relentless and can be inappropriate ... calling to the door, threatening self harm, contacting my family etc.
I'm so weak and so sick right now, I've no reserves for him. I have deleted him and on mute.

Mate call the police if he does this.

Newestname002 · 19/12/2023 16:41

BTW Do you have his shared house address? Or his parents' address? If he threatens suicide ask the police to do a welfare check at his address - don't get sucked into what he threatens to do with himself. 🌹

Newestname002 · 19/12/2023 16:39

mutin · 19/12/2023 14:08

Thanks for your reply.
He is relentless and can be inappropriate ... calling to the door, threatening self harm, contacting my family etc.
I'm so weak and so sick right now, I've no reserves for him. I have deleted him and on mute.

OP If you haven't already, do tell your children clearly but in an appropriate way, that you are no longer in a relationship with this man and never will be again. Tell them he's not accepting your wishes and may very well contact them - that they should block him. That they should never open your front door - install a chain in the inside of the door which they should use every time. Or to check from the closed window who's at the door.

Talk to your friends and parents ASAP and tell them exactly what's happening so he can't get them onside.

Write to him once and tell him he's to stay away from you, your home and children. That if he continues to harass you, you will contact the police.

If he has keys to your home, change your locks/barrels of your locks ASAP. Don't rely on him returning your keys if he has any.

He's certainly showing you his true colours - stay strong and stay safe. 🌹

ZorbaTheHoarder · 19/12/2023 15:14

You owe him nothing, OP!
If he comes back to your house, just tell him he is no longer welcome and that if he persists, you will call the police.

Forget about the presents he has dumped at your place - he is just trying to guilt-trip you into staying with him.

Your life will improve immeasurably once he is out of it!

Stay strong and good luck to you!

GabriellaMontez · 19/12/2023 15:06

Have your teens blocked him too?

How weird that his children expect Christmas presents. You're so much better off without this odd chap and his equally odd family.

Olika · 19/12/2023 14:58

Keep him blocked and don't listen to anything he says. Stay strong!

PurpleOrchid42 · 19/12/2023 14:18

mutin · 19/12/2023 14:08

Thanks for your reply.
He is relentless and can be inappropriate ... calling to the door, threatening self harm, contacting my family etc.
I'm so weak and so sick right now, I've no reserves for him. I have deleted him and on mute.

He sounds dreadful. And I have to wonder... have you met his children? All this rushing off to his family on weekend and living in a house share during the week... seems like excuses not to see you, because he potentially has another relationship, possibly even a family, elsewhere? That's what sprung to mind.

Original poster
mutin · 19/12/2023 14:08

Thanks for your reply.
He is relentless and can be inappropriate ... calling to the door, threatening self harm, contacting my family etc.
I'm so weak and so sick right now, I've no reserves for him. I have deleted him and on mute.

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 19/12/2023 14:00

You’ve no ties to this man whatsoever so absolutely no need to keep in contact with him.

Do not respond in any way, let him rage into a void.

Delete and block him on everything if you have to.

Original poster
mutin · 19/12/2023 13:52

As predicted, he went mad when he finally accepted that I was deadly serious about t being over.
He guilt tripped me about Christmas, his children who expect a gift ( who I have no relationship with ) said that I only wanted a Christmas present ( he had mine bought) believes that because I hadn't bought his that it was all pre meditated( I have no money until Friday)
Basic guilt tripping.
Then he sent all the presents for me and kids to my home so now I feel like a cheapskate.
This is only the beginning of this shit, as expected, and I've a knot in my tummy.
I guess his ideal meal ticket to a secure retirement has been shattered so he will persevere. Wish me strength please.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 17/12/2023 18:55

mutin · 17/12/2023 14:43

He's been very inappropriate in the past contacting my family and children. He has their number in event of emergency for lifts if needed, as their father has no relationship with them.
They will block him.

Bit puzzled by the phrasing but it's probably just a mistake

you mean they have his number in case they need to call him for a lift?

i know what you mean about the family criticism thing.

tbh I wonder where his money goes.

HerMammy · 17/12/2023 17:34

@mutin
There are no plus points here about this man, unless he has a golden cock!!
Every second Saturday? that's not a relationship, in the sea with him.

SpringboksSocks · 17/12/2023 16:47

mutin · 17/12/2023 14:30

I've definitely lost respect for him and in return for staying at his parents every weekend, he is always doing jobs or organising their lives and helping out his siblings every weekend so he isn't even free, even if he wanted. It's all very enmeshed when I think about it .
His kids can't stay overnight with him as he is at his parents and he won't take them to his house share to spend his weekend with them.

This would be the biggest red flag for me. His own kids can’t stay overnight with him because he hasn’t sorted out for himself a proper place to live (and yet he stays with you and your kids every week). I dread to think what message that’s giving his DC 😢

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2023 16:35

mutin · 17/12/2023 14:43

He's been very inappropriate in the past contacting my family and children. He has their number in event of emergency for lifts if needed, as their father has no relationship with them.
They will block him.

He's been very inappropriate in the past contacting my family and children.

And yet you're still with him. Come the fuck on, op. What on earth are you doing? It's bad enough that you allow this shitbag in your life, but you've essentially condoned him being horrible to your own kids by staying with him. If you were my mother, I would be really, really disgusted by this.

Original poster
mutin · 17/12/2023 16:28

The family enmeshment has been an issue from the beginning. He can speak badly and often does about everyone's families and kids but woe betide if anyone criticised the behaviours of his family. He is a Peter Pan character when I really reflect. He thrives when fussed over yet he will eat my food and sleep in my bed but won't clean up or generally contribute to the basic running of the house while he is there. In retrospect, I waited on him.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 17/12/2023 15:27

I would have no respect for a man in his 50s who doesn't own his own property and has no intention to. I would enjoy the sex and happily kick him out the door afterwards, no way would he ever move in, what a cheek implying you could have asked.

GrumpyOldCrone · 17/12/2023 14:45

Of all the red flags, and there are many, the family enmeshment is probably the one I’d be most concerned about. Even if he got a flat of his own and a stable job, he’ll never break free from that kind of longstanding obligation.

Edited to add: Actually the inappropriate messaging is worse. Bloody hell, your children deserve better!

Tina221 · 17/12/2023 14:44

I think most of the pp’s have said to dump him and I agree. He doesn’t sound great at all. If you think he’ll message your children I would explain what’s happening and block him on their phones.

Original poster
mutin · 17/12/2023 14:43

He's been very inappropriate in the past contacting my family and children. He has their number in event of emergency for lifts if needed, as their father has no relationship with them.
They will block him.

OP posts:
shininglight16 · 17/12/2023 14:35

mutin · 17/12/2023 13:25

So many interesting points@iljafjpr .
Before he moved in with his mate, we had a row and out of the blue , when I stated that I thought it was pathetic that he was free loading essentially and didn't have a house for his kids to visit , he said that at least his friend offered ie I didn't...
He moves jobs frequently citing bullying etc.
He has had periods of unemployment and sick leave .. a few weeks at a time for colds basically.
He needs a minder maybe.
My kids here all the time probably irritates him as he doesn't have my total attention hence the reason possibly for coming in the evening and leaving in the morning.
Food for thought. Indeed .

OP, so many red flags there. He keeps changing jobs citing bullying, taking sick leave all the time, freeloading, blaming you for not allowing him to stay at yours rent free, etc. How can you not see that he's taking the piss? Why drop your standards so low? I say dump him now please and save your energy and time for someone better.

Original poster
mutin · 17/12/2023 14:30

I've definitely lost respect for him and in return for staying at his parents every weekend, he is always doing jobs or organising their lives and helping out his siblings every weekend so he isn't even free, even if he wanted. It's all very enmeshed when I think about it .
His kids can't stay overnight with him as he is at his parents and he won't take them to his house share to spend his weekend with them.

OP posts:
GilesRupert · 17/12/2023 14:23

Why has he got your children's numbers?