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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for wanting to divorce husband after 6 months.

119 replies

Happysadmom · 17/12/2023 06:58

I found out in June that my husband cheated on me; sex with 5 different women multiple times and women over social media. He spent thousands of dollars on sex sites and sending women money for “content,” or “have a nice lunch.” All the while complaining whenever I asked to be taken on a date. He had sex with one woman while we were married and the other times were while I was pregnant with our son and dating. Mind you he did this unprotected so he put me and baby at risk. I found out by finally getting into his computer and saw he had been taking pictures and videos of what he was doing. It was quite traumatizing and I get invasive images in my head still. Now going to therapy which is helping. I’ve asked him to go to therapy and he keeps saying he will but it’s been a month since he promised. He promised to stop smoking cigarettes and he’s still doing that. A couple weeks ago I found out he reached out to a woman that he had a sexual past with. We go to counseling through our church and I feel like they are just validating him saying he’s “trying” and that I need to be more forgiving. This man verbally abused me throughout the years of him cheating behind my back and I’m having a hard time getting past all that.
I love him and he can be kind and caring but there is also this side of him that really sucks and is abusive. I keep putting my foot down on boundaries and gave him a list of all the things I want if we are to move forward and he has not upheld the list and keeps disrespecting my boundaries.
So I’m asking AIBU for giving him 6 months to get his crap together and now that the 6 months is up I want to divorce him? Should I give him more time?
I found out I was pregnant days after I found out he had been cheating so it’s just another complexity.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 17/12/2023 18:21

Your church 'counsellor' can sod off - total misogynistic crap that a man can just break all boundaries of agreed marriage and be abusive but you just have to 'forgive' him. It doesn't sound like any of his positive characteristics make up for this and he clearly has zero respect for you.

BlochAndRoll · 17/12/2023 18:17

Your job is to teach your DC how to be decent adults - leave this marriage... ❤️

Potentialmadcatlady · 17/12/2023 18:06

Ps my exh did take me to court, repeatedly .. but my solicitor and barrister were amazing supportive women and I moved forward slowly but surely… one day you will waken up and be able to breathe properly for the first time in ages.
you can do this

Potentialmadcatlady · 17/12/2023 18:04

Oh I hear you and I totally understand.. my circumstances were similar .. you can do this.. you can get help and you can get free…
I rang benefits office and they were able to talk me through what they could do to help and paid me two weekly into my own account so kids had food… I also spoke solicitor for free for first appt ( do they still do that?) that got things moving.. my Mum gave me weekly food parcels which helped a lot..

Original poster
Happysadmom · 17/12/2023 16:21

@iljafjpr we married in April and I found out in June. Part of why I’m so mad is if I had known who I was marrying I wouldn’t have done it because now I feel so stuck.

I started going to a separate church which he doesn’t like but I feel way more comfortable. Opened a separate bank account which really made him upset. He’s moved all the money out of the account before and left me with $2 so I wasn’t going to risk that again.

I am an evangelical christian so no not catholic and a new one at that so I’m still learning. Soooooo many churches but I definitely believe adultery is grounds for divorce. The husband I think should be man enough to divorce the wife knowing what he did but I don’t see that happening.

I definitely need resources because I don’t even know where to start in kicking him out of the house etc. He uses scare tactics and is going to take me to court which I’m dreading. I realizing staying isn’t an option and I thankfully have an awesome mom that is willing to move in and help me with bills and maintaining the home.

I appreciate everyone’s comments, it’s like a big dose of reality. It’s easy to get isolated in this situation so thank you all. This has been very helpful.

OP posts:
iljafjpr · 17/12/2023 13:08

He was cheating before you got married and you knew about it and married him anyway?
Were you under pressure from your church to do this?
The church sounds like a big problem here. What kind of church is it?
You should not have married someone you knew was cheating and verbally abusing you. But I can absolutely understand the pressure if you're part of a church community which puts pressure on people to be married if they have children.

You should not be going to counselling at this church. It will be very biased counselling geared to keep the marriage together at all costs. Depending on what kind of church it is, it could also be biased towards the man.
No one should go to joint counselling with an abuser.
You should get your own separate counselling and absolutely NOT through any kind of church.
If you keep going to this joint counselling you will end up staying with him when you absolutely shouldn't. I suspect that something similar happened before you married him and you married him when you shouldn't have done.

If you are Catholic (which I somehow doubt, it doesn't sound like it), you would have a very good case for getting this marriage annulled under canon law because it is very clear from his behaviour before and after the marriage took place that he had no intention of honoring his marriage vows. It's a complex subject but I think you'd have a shot at it.

You should go to a solicitor as soon as possible to find out what your rights are and how a split would work.
If you need support and advice you can contact Women's Aid.
You can also ask on here - there are a lot of women who, sadly, have had experience of this sort of thing - and someone will suggest resources you can use to help you.

2jacqi · 17/12/2023 11:57

@Happysadmom that is some church you go to!!!

bonzaitree · 17/12/2023 11:32

Get riddd!

ElGrump · 17/12/2023 11:27

You should have left the day you discovered it all. You are worth more!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/12/2023 11:22

I'd find a new church too

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/12/2023 11:21

The church should be more focused on why he keeps committing a deadly sin than why you don't want to keep putting up with it

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/12/2023 11:21

Ps you can be a Christian and forgive him
But that does NOT mean you need to stay married to someone who repeatedly pisses all over his marriage vows I think you might even be able to annul this marriage

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/12/2023 11:20

olympicsrock · 17/12/2023 07:01

This is a very clear Leave THe Bastard ( LTB) from me. Sorry that you are going through this.

Agreed - there is no way on earth this is normal and you'll be happier single or dating literally anyone else in the world

10HailMarys · 17/12/2023 11:19

We go to counseling through our church and I feel like they are just validating him saying he’s “trying” and that I need to be more forgiving

Don’t go to counselling a) with him or b) through your church.

Counselling as a couple isn’t appropriate where one partner has been abusive (which yours has) and counselling through church is always going to be focused on ‘forgiveness’ and keeping a marriage together rather than focused on your actual welfare.

And yes, of course you should leave him. He’s an awful, awful person.

Tinkerbyebye · 17/12/2023 11:09

YABU giving him any time. Leave now he is never ever going to change

and find a new church

InSpainTheRain · 17/12/2023 10:55

Just dump him and run. He is actually awful and the fact that you have to even question if you are being unreasonable is worrying. Get your self esteem back and leave the jerk.

MegaClutterSlut · 17/12/2023 10:46

You should've left him 6 months ago. I could not forgive this, he's disgusting

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2023 10:40

@Happysadmom

You would be unreasonable to give him six MINUTES.

Rightsraptor · 17/12/2023 10:33

You don't say where you are, OP, but in England and Wales at least you can't actually start divorce proceedings until you've been married for one year.

Obviously you can leave him during the first year and I'd suggest that you do.

hellsBells246 · 17/12/2023 10:14

Don't go to counselling via your church. Find a good independent counsellor who has your best interests at heart.

And LTB.

Then go to a STD clinic and get checked out.

He's cheated on you multiple times when you were pg, without using contraception. There is no way back from this.

He has not kept his marriage vows. Why should you forgive him?? I wouldn't.

Sloth66 · 17/12/2023 10:14

Make plans to end this mockery of a marriage as soon as possible. And to find another church that isn’t excusing his disgusting behavior . I hope 2024 is a better year and you find the happier life that you deserve.

Elphamouche · 17/12/2023 10:11

He doesn’t need time. You need to leave!

MissJoGrant · 17/12/2023 10:09

AperolWhore · 17/12/2023 07:02

I think you know the answer to this, he sounds like a vile scum of a man and I wouldn’t hesitate to divorce him, taking everything in the process.

Do you have evidence of what he has done? You need pictures, copies etc

If OP lives in the UK then she doesn't need any evidence of anything. She can separate immediately and then divorce.

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 17/12/2023 10:08

What exactly do the church think he is "trying" at? Forget what other people are saying you should do. They aren't the ones who have to put up with him. You have to put you and your child first

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/12/2023 10:00

This isn't one little mistake that he is trying his best to fix. This is who he is, it's a pattern of behaviour, it's part of his personality and he WILL do it again.

You need to forgive - yourself, for making a mistake in marrying someone who shouldn't be married to anyone.

It is much better for your child to have separated parents rather than two parents who hate each other and a miserable mother. You don't want them growing up to think this is how relationships work.

You gave the marriage and him a second chance and he has thrown it in your face. Do not make this mistake again