To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

What on earth have trans issues got to do with this?

I think your SIL is a fabulous role model for your daughter tbh ❤️

I suppose it does depend on your parents, to be fair. My parents are very cosmopolitan so I didn't need a ton of outside influences: if anything, I thought other people's households growing up were kind of dull. That said, there is nothing in the OP to suggest that the SIL is correct in her views, she is clearly a very rigid person and probably would impose her own stereotypical view of life on her own kids, if she ever had them (so refusing to let a daughter play with dolls or wear dresses) Oddly enough, I bet she would not welcome outside interference herself.

I don't expect women to do something they don't want to do, all I said is that it isn't a feminist choice.

We also can't ignore the fact that women are conditioned from birth to be carers just as men are conditioned from birth to be providers. It isn't a coincidence that it's usually women who want to be SAHP's. That's part of the problem.

But She’s her aunt!

I’m so grateful for the different adult role models i had growing up, and wish i had had more.
my parents are alright but their outlook on the world partial and limited, as it is with us all.

Children are not the property of their parents, they are people in their own right and benefit from having different relationships with diff people. Their wellbeing is the business of all who care about them.

also I wasn’t talking about being trans, I was talking about the everyday conditioning that we all experience, that makes eg girls feel like their value is defined by having a particular skinny body shape, etc etc. (just one very basic example),

I'm not going to start talking about that, because people will start talking about trans issues and it will become a complete bin fire. I still think that the SIL is a bore and a busybody, who needs to mind her own business.

I agree with the SiL views, but I think she's a complete pain in the ass. An utter pain in the ass.

Who does she think she is to hastily correct your comments to your dd like that? Also, the way she handles her differences-with YOUR child-is ham fisted and overbearing.

I do hate the phrase woke, however. It's a stupid, meaningless slur.

i think that it is a lot harder to 'condition' a child than the team SIL posters are implying

are you joking? Gender conditioning is everywhere and it causes so many people so much pain. I’m not saying it’s actually particularly successful in making people completely change their core identities or characteristics, but it’s very successful in making people feel uncomfortable in their own skin and restricting their confidence in different activities, ambitions and life choices,. Etc.

I strongly suspect none of the posters who claim to be team SIL would tolerate similar comments from their relatives. I suspect the same @Commonsense22 and I also suspect that if the SIL decides to become a parent in the future, she’ll greatly resent it if the OP makes any comments.

OP, it sounds ridiculously annoying. It's not your SIL's place to "complement" the education you're giving your very young daughter by constantly piping up every time an activity she considers girly is being done. And the clothes intervention was utterly and completely out of line.

If she was really passionate about the cause, rather than being self-righteous and a busy-body, she'd model by example and maybe get ve your dd a football or toy cars for Christmas.
I strongly suspect none of the posters who claim to be team SIL would tolerate similar comments from their relatives.

I would tell her the comments aren't welcome and if she's concerned about the education you're giving your daughter she's free to have a grown up conversation with you but under no circumstance do you want her making these types of comments in response to parenting decisions you have made. It is not her role.

There are possibly still some pressures, yes, but there is also a great awareness of the need to not conform to stereotypes. Plus, there is more acknowledgement now that beauty and fashion is an art form in itself, it isn't just a tool for catching men (which is what SIL assumed that it was)

@SouthLondonMum22 The answer to child care = women isn’t to expect women who want to be at home with their kids to stop it and do something they like less- the answer is to drive home the idea that it’s it’s vital and valuable work, therefore it doesn’t involve a loss of ego for men if they do childcare.

Expecting women to do something they don’t want to and doesn’t make them happy, in order to try and make it better for other women is playing into the stereotype that women exist to sacrifice their wants and needs to the betterment of everyone else.

No one would expect this level of collective thinking from men- they are allowed to do what suits them best.

@VanityDiesHard I'm interested that you think the message is outdated and I don't understand. Do you think that there aren't still societal/commercial pressures on children to conform to gender stereotypes?

@CurlewKate It matters because in one example she undermined the instruction that OP had given her daughter, and in another she ignored her niece's achievement in order to make a point that she didn't need to. The child had already been offered football.
And the last example was a really not so subtle dig at OP allowing her three year old to play with makeup. Because it makes no sense at all as a genuine conversation to have with a three year old.

If a MIL had done the same, the sister's cheerleaders on here would be making entirely different posts.

I'd wager that pretty much everyone on earth - male or female - likes to believe that other people find them attractive. There is nothing wrong with telling any child that they are pretty, nice-looking, whatever. As I said before, the problem is when a cohort of children - girls - grow up believing that being attractive is their main value in life.

Nah, I’d be irked by her. Can’t disagree with her but she sounds a bit full on.

But it’s not different lifestyles; more like constant sniping. How come SIL wasn’t at the football with her brother?

For one thing, it isn't the aunt's business. Unless there is abuse, I think that it is inappropriate for outsiders to try to parent: I'm not a fan of 'it takes a village'. For another, the aunt's message is very dated and lacks nuance.

By consistently undermining her?

SIL needs to have a day off.

@saraclara "What on earth makes you think that OP, the engineering graduate, isn't already making it clear to her daughter that there are non-girly options in existence and that they're open to her?"

Great if she does. Why does it matter if the child's aunt does too?

I'm struggling to see how the posters who are so pro the SIL wouldn't find it grating to be constantly undermined. However much we all agree that being gay is ok, and feminist ideals are good, would we not really all prefer to bring our children up how we see fit?

@VanityDiesHard "When the little girl admired her mother in makeup and started playing with it, the SIL went on a rant"

You made that "rant" bit up.

I think that it is a lot harder to 'condition' a child than the team SIL posters are implying. If conditioning were that easy, I would be a carpentery nerd who loved working on cars and building things (my mother's interests) rather than a fashion and cookery nerd. Well, maybe I was conditioned to like the things I like, but my love of them comes from my father, who was a very sharp dresser and also a chef. Neither of my parents would have been impressed if some woke virtue signaller had started rabbiting on about women's empowerment, as they believed in leading by example, not endless talk.

I don't consider myself to be "woke" at all, however I see absolutely nothing wrong with these comments. From the title and the first paragraph I expected to roll my eyes at your SIL but I'm actually left questioning why this would bother you!? I regularly say similar things to my son age 2!