To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

I’m with your sister in law on this one.

You’re both right and neither of you is wrong. I like your SIL.

I understand that SIL may be coming on a bit strong, but I think it's really sad that you think her stance is "damaging." She is trying to empower your daughter, and to recognise that women are often disadvantaged still.
If we tell our daughters that they can be whatever they want to be, and that they don't have to look a certain way for the sake of others (totally fine if they want to do it for themselves) then they'll probably grow up more confident in themselves.

IMHO . . . I think that the sister-in-law is being a pain in the ass. She isn't offering alternatives, she's undermining the mother's parenting. I think she will be disappointed if her niece ends up dating boys and wearing dresses. It's the same old "cis is so boring" crap that kids are being bombarded with daily. If she ends up dating a girl, the aunt is definitely not going to say "or, you could also date boys". It's not about options, it's about which options, it's about favored options. That is not the same as letting the little girl decide for herself. She had a great time baking with her mother - why did that need to be undermined?

@CurlewKate Is there anything actually wrong with a 3-year-old enjoying baking, wearing dresses and putting on makeup though? Will it prevent her from becoming an engineer like her Mum?

My DD is studying engineering and plays on a sports team. She also likes to do her hair and makeup when she goes out. 🤷

Societal expectations are still prevalent. There might be more awareness but it doesn't change the fact that men are still more likely to be scientists and women are still more likely to be makeup artists, it certainly isn't a coincidence that it conforms with societal norms.

@VanityDiesHard "Virtue signalling bores like the SIL don't need to shout about these issues, they should watch and observe what the children in their life are actually like and enjoy doing."

And ENTIRELY coincidentally, the child concerned likes wearing pretty dresses, baking and putting on make-up. What are the chances, eh?🤣

Where do you think this pressure is coming from? I keep hearing about it, but outside of specific subcultures (ie the pageant set) I just don't think it is is quite as prevalent as made out. I am 40 so was a child in the 80s/90s, and I didn't feel 'pressured' into liking girly things, I liked what I liked, and that was 30-35 years ago! There is even more awareness now that women can be scientists and men can be makeup artists, etc. Virtue signalling bores like the SIL don't need to shout about these issues, they should watch and observe what the children in their life are actually like and enjoy doing.

She sounds awesome. The world needs more aunties like her. 💪 She’s building her up.

@VanityDiesHard "maintain that the SIL sounds like some feminazi stereotype"

Oh, behave!🤣

It's the societal pressure placed on girls, the same pressure isn't placed on boys when it comes to looks like it is with girls.

Huh? Surely in Beauty and the Beast the Beast is transformed? Are you talking about Shrek? Anyway, those stories are fiction and I am talking about real life, where being put together and smart counts for a lot. There is another thread on AIBU atm about whether wealth equals good looks, and the consensus seems to be that while you can't buy beauty, you can buy 'good looks' just by paying attention to grooming and self presentation.

Maternity leave is available when women have just given birth for up to a year. You don't need to be a SAHM for that.

Of course they are conditioned to be carers. Studies show that adults treat boy babies and girl babies differently, it starts from day dot.

I don’t even know where to start with this.
i suggest watching the hunchback of notredame? Beauty and the beast?

You don't know that for certain, do you? I mean, I agree that OP might have used the word 'handsome' instead of pretty for a male child, but I have heard parents of all children encourage them to dress up and look attractive, not just 'clean'. That only becomes a problem IMO when it veers into toddlers and tiaras territory. I maintain that the SIL sounds like some feminazi stereotype and I'm not surprised that the OP is sick of her.

Women who want to be sahm generally do it because they just gave birth to them and might be breastfeeding, and there is a biological drive for many mammals to stay close to their young.

It isn’t that they are conditioned to be carers- babies aren’t just a thing that needs taking care of, they are people’s family!

That’s not to say that women who don’t feel like that or can’t stay at home are any less mothers, they just have a different situation or feelings.

The fact you expect women to put collective ‘good’ above their own wants and needs in order to qualify as making feminist decisions shows that you expect more from women than you do men.

Why are you comfortable saying that women who don’t sacrifice themselves for the greater good are making less feminist choices? Why does sacrifice of self = feminism?

Also, did you have a response to my question about your heteronormative comments earlier?

Because it's only expected for girls to look pretty and only girls are encouraged to do basic things like getting dressed to look pretty.

OP has said she wanted her daughter to look clean and smart, it's only because her daughter is a girl that she used pretty instead.

What's wrong with wanting to look pretty, though? Does anyone really want to look ugly?

My sense is that the bleating and preaching comes from the OP, trying to get a 3 year old to get dressed by telling her she’ll look ‘so pretty’.

No, are you? She is definitely pushing her views. Do you really think it is normal, when shown someone's work (in this case, baking) to tell them ' you know you don't have to do that because you are a girl/boy, you could be doing x activity instead'? Because I don't. I think it is weird and rude.

Nowhere in the post was it said the SIL doesn’t also model her feminist behaviour.

i brought both my daughters up saying things like the OPs SIL, and both my teenage girls are doing fine 😌

This 🙄

@VanityDiesHard "That said, there is nothing in the OP to suggest that the SIL is correct in her views, she is clearly a very rigid person"

How bizarre! She appears to have been making suggestions, not imposing her views! Are you reading a different post?

Why? Role models do just that, they model behaviour, not just bleat and preach.

Because the aunt is saying these things when the child has made her choice and is therefore undermining the child's right to choose.