To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

@Tandora but the issue here is she's doing all this to a 3 year old!!!!! That is extreme! So therefore would imply she's got issues...??

I love your SIL, I can imagine it might feel
a bit undermining but I completely agree with all the sentiments. I dressed my child in quite gender neutral clothes until she could choose herself. Often had the opposite, older people thinking she was a boy just because she wasn’t in pink or a dress. The stereotypes are real and the more you can do to counteract the better as the younger generation lead the way with this stuff and it’s good to be on that wavelength. Especially agree with the appearance stuff, as i would hope most modern thinking parents would.

I really wouldn’t worry and it’s certainly not something I’d be confronting your SIL with. She clearly loves your daughter and it’s no harm having her express her own views to your daughter which you deem to be irritating but your SIL obviously deems empowering. I genuinely wouldn’t let it bother me in the slightest.

Thank you , I thought the same. And then OP answered with all sincerity that no she doesn’t appear to be gay , so that doesn’t explain her bad behaviour, but she is / was considered ugly ! 😱

Are her comments about looks etc to make her feel better about never wanting to make an effort with herself? This is how I read how it sounds.

I like to wear make up, I do it for me. It’s ok for a female/girl to know that if it makes them feel good then they can do it. It goes both ways really, wear it, dont, but there’s nothing wrong with make up is all I mean.

Honestly, just ignore her, if this is genuinely just her being her and she’s harmless then I’d ignore. If she’s saying these things to maybe undermine you, then I would say something, only you know the tone of her voice when things are being said.

Yeh the “agenda” SIL is pushing is:

1. being gay is a possibility and an ok option;

2. your hobbies don’t have to be defined by your gender;

3. your value as a person isn’t routed in being conventionally pretty or attractive to men.

The world would be a happier place if we all got behind SIL’s “agenda”,

Pathetic response. But it's one typical of much of the 'trailing' on this site, which interprets any assertion of women's boundaries, or lack of tolerance of being expected to be chief cook and bottle-washer, or daring not to tolerate infidelity on account of the fact that he 'might have depression', as 'man-hating'.

It's predictable as the sun coming up that a post to this tune will appear on every single thread, particularly those detailing abusive behaviour or containing any variation on the theme of feminism.

That's coming from one who views OP's SiL as an evangelical, tedious bore and a gigantic overstepper, irrespective of whether I personally agree with her views.

It's simple, SIL has an issue with gender stereotypes, this could be because she's very woke and influenced by people online who are woke, or she is struggling with her identity and she's worried the same will happen to your DD.

Basically though, it's not her place to be concerned about your daughter because you clearly don't force anything on her anyway.

Tell your SIL it's a bit much!

Your comment is ridiculous 🙄

Yes, there are some incredibly reactionary people on this thread.

It is extraordinary to me that these very mild comments are considered extreme. And the "Is SIL gay?" question is beyond offensive!

I think you’re SIL sounds alright and I might have made the first comment myself 🤷‍♀️ The other stuff might sometimes be a bit ‘off’ in terms of timing, but you need to talk to your SIL about not grumble behind her back!

I’d be annoyed. She’s pushing an agenda. Just let the child be and enjoy her activities. If I’d arranged an afternoon of baking, or anything else, for my daughter and I, I’d find it undermining for someone to turn up and disparage it and suggest she could have gone somewhere else. It is not your SIL’s place. I’d have a word as it’s discouraging your daughter and it’s highly critical. I say this as a professional woman who believes women and girls are equal to males.

You write this dilemma to a website full of the most anal feminist woke extremists and expected to get a fair response? This is the website saturated with 'we hate men because purely because they have a d*ck' females (not allowed to use the term female now apparently).

I cannot stand your sis-in-law. Her comments are dull, not edgy, shows her personal insecurities and I have no clue how you haven't murdered her thus far. Personally I would LTB and never entertain her again. Monotonous twat that she is.

Suppose this. Suppose that. Yawn.

I think your SIL is overstepping the mark. What does yr husband think of her comments. I wonder if she had her own children would she be so pass remarkable about your child? I think u and yr husband should have a chat with her and tell her how you feel. If you don’t address it now she won’t stop.

Yes definitely 😂

Also, make sure she never makes another cupcake and refer to her as "they".

I disagree SILs comments are not damaging. Her pro choice comments should not be aimed at specific things the child has done.. By all means she should point out crap advertising and otherspecific gender generalisations, but she should keep her comments to herself otherwise as it is obvious from the OPs own experiences that she isn't hell bent on raising a 1960s housewife.
We don't all have to be shouting about feminism constantly to promote freedom of choice. It's just undermining the OP and the DD in the examples given.

I think everybody regardless of sex should learn to cook. It's a basic form of looking after yourself. As a child it's fun to join mummy in this.
3yr old is a bit young to stand for 90mins in the cold but of course she should be given the choice.
My mum would have me in tears everyday when trying to get me into a dress for school. I preferred trousers as easier to climb trees etc. At 7yrs I wanted to be a boy and cried because I couldn't change. At 14yr I discovered boys in a different way and was so glad sexual transition hadn't been available then as they would have put me on hormone therapy before then and i wouldnt have had my DC. Your being a great mum and don't let anyone tell you different.

SIL is completely right. You are training your daughter to be a slave to the patriarchy and feel worried if she doesn’t conform to her female gender.

If it was a MIL who was undermining the OP and refusing to acknowledge an achievement that their grandchild was proud of, would you be saying the same thing?

Why do you think it isn't 'coincidental'? How much time do you actually spend around small kids? I am not a mother, but I work part time in daycare and I can tell you that kids of both sexes like all kinds of things, dressing up, sports, play of all kinds. It was the SIL politicising that and trying to make a big self important statement about it, unlike the OP who was just getting on with parenting her child.

But you're their mother. You get to say that at times that are appropriate.

This is unwanted intervention from OP's relative, poorly timed (the small niece was excited and proud of her baking)and undermining the parent. Would you appreciate that?

Haha, Yes b&b does arguably have a problematic ending, but the moral/ lesson of the story is that it is shallow to value external beauty , which is only skin deep / an illusion, and that true beauty is found within. Sounfs like you might benefit from reflecting on this?

There are several points to note:

1. not everyone is able to conform to social standards of attractiveness, it’s disgusting to make someone feel their value is routed in their looks.

2. much greater emphasis is placed on the importance / value of being attractive for women and girls. (Please don’t gaslight us all by trying to claim other wise).

3. OP offered her DD two choices of clothing - both dresses - then tried to compel her to comply by telling her if she put on the dress she would “look pretty”. Through this simple exchange she communicated many things to her DD: a) girls wear dresses b) looking “pretty” = wearing a dress c) pretty is associated with girls , as girls wear dresses d) being pretty is a valuable and aspiration goal of female personhood.

These messages are pervasive, they are powerful and they are toxic to the mental health and wellbeing of women and girls everywhere.